Venting I have dreams where my problems disappear.

[H0110W]

I am taking more frequent naps layely and I have the strangest realistic dreams. It may be a phase, a last effort by my deep subconscious to keep me alive, because I dream that things have improved. That people that I've long lost are still friends with me. That I'm going on an adventure, sometimes even with my ex gf and we are still together. That my father understood me and we talk normally again.

That I am no longer so alone.

Then I wake up and I kinda feel good you know, I have this feeling of relief, because my friend is back, all I have to do is call them. Or my girlfriend is here to support me, it never even really ended. That I am going on an adventure in the mountains, I just have to call my friends. And that i was just feeling sad, like anyone else, but it's over now, I just talked to them and...
I realize that it was just a weirdly realistic dream, where I felt a real emotion that somehow escaped from some long lost memory. But the friend in my dream, is long lost. My gf is gone and despises me. I'm not going on an adventure, I'm just going to work, or like right now, I just dozed off instead of having lunchh, so I'll be sleepy all day tomorrow at work, on top of everything else.

And then the suicidal thoughts restart, the loneliness creeps in from all the cracks in my defective brain, and another day begins with this unbearable feeling of sadness, shame, regret. Then, fear joins the party, I fear this will continue forever, this gives me so much mental anguish I don't know how long I'll be able to endure.

And it's all my fault, I did nothing to prevent it. I had my chance to get out of this, many times, and I wasted it every time.

I really need help but I can't talk to anyone, all I can do is open another shitty "venting" thread here. This is all I can do to help myself. Waiting for my planned suicide day is getting harder every day. I live in constant emotional and mental pain, it never stops. I wish someone could help me but there is no one left.

 

[jodes2]

Sorry you feel so alone we're here to listen and support

I had some shitty nightmares last night, woke up absolutely miserable

 

[Hollowman]

I've had dreams like that too, waking up to this nightmare SUCKS!

 

[H0110W]

Sorry you feel so alone we're here to listen and support

I had some shitty nightmares last night, woke up absolutely miserable

I'm grateful for Internet strangers caring about me. Knowing someone relates or even has taken a minute to read how I feel gives me some relief. But it's not enough. I need help, that much is clear now, but I am too far gone, i made too many mistakes, and I have no one to talk to other than doctors. I don't want to be put on pills just to make my situation artificially bearable.

 

[jodes2]

I'm grateful for Internet strangers caring about me. Knowing someone relates or even has taken a minute to read how I feel gives me some relief. But it's not enough. I need help, that much is clear now, but I am too far gone, i made too many mistakes, and I have no one to talk to other than doctors. I don't want to be put on pills just to make my situation artificially bearable.

I know how you feel. But when one doesn't have a way out, artificially bearable is better than nothing!

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be torture and I get that it can be tiring and awful being trapped in a situation of endless suffering. I do believe that for many in this world dreams are better than the cruel, harsh reality of this existence, but I wish you the best.