Venting I have decided this will be my "make it" or "break it" year. Anyone the same?

[ppyppyppy]

Long story short - 27 years old F, graduated university late, currently studying for a government job, doing part time work as a teacher that pays terribly but enough to fund my studies while I leech off my low income parents like the POS I am.

I've decided this year is decisive. I either get somewhere stable or I kill myself because I can't handle being a burden for any longer. I'm doing my best to keep a routine and study properly, but it's honestly been a challenge as my mental health has taken a sharp decline in the past few months, with suicidal thoughts taking up a huge chunk of my day. I'm considering therapy to boost productivity & make it a real, genuine attempt to improve, but feel too ashamed to go back after I disappeared from the therapist's office.

I already have a method (SN) and money saved up for a hotel room so I don't traumatize my family by having them find me (I do feel sorry for the workers). I've already told them I have suicidal thoughts so they shouldn't be surprised. My brother called me selfish for saying such a thing to my mother but that it works in my favor because it's just easier if I'm disliked, both for them and for me.

Still, I'm making a last attempt at setting things right before I do it for sure. Is anyone here the same? What are you doing? How are you spending your (possibly) last year? How do you feel about it?

 

[aushunaph]

unbelievably real. im going to hang myself in the woods most likely, but i've attempted so many times that maybe it's my destiny to live if this last time doesn't work. i'll just do what i've always done, listen to music and study so i can get the most out of life while i still have it. i'm also planning to antagonize my family just so they can finally hear how much i've always hated them, and so they can hate me and my death will be forgotten quickly. i hope you find peace

 

[meddle]

just wanted to say: there is nothing wrong about going back to the therapist you once visited. or maybe you could find a new one, if you dont want to see the old one anymore?

 

[carfemtanyl]

well you might as well go back to your old therapist before you kill yourself as death is permanent or you could try to look for a different therapist

your situation should be "fixable" if you know what I mean

 

[ppyppyppy]

unbelievably real. im going to hang myself in the woods most likely, but i've attempted so many times that maybe it's my destiny to live if this last time doesn't work. i'll just do what i've always done, listen to music and study so i can get the most out of life while i still have it. i'm also planning to antagonize my family just so they can finally hear how much i've always hated them, and so they can hate me and my death will be forgotten quickly. i hope you find peace

I hope you find peace as well. I think there's something comforting in routine, might as well go out following one.

just wanted to say: there is nothing wrong about going back to the therapist you once visited. or maybe you could find a new one, if you dont want to see the old one anymore?

I have problems meeting new people so I'd probably go to the same one. I guess I just don't feel motivated to. A lot of my current suffering has to do with not quitting life earlier and postponing it by finding help and the help muddling my judgement via CBT/meds. I don't want the same thing to happen. Honestly it was all a big delusion to me and my mind has never been clearer.

well you might as well go back to your old therapist before you kill yourself as death is permanent or you could try to look for a different therapist

your situation should be "fixable" if you know what I mean

I know it's fixable. That goes for most people here I think. It's just that a lot of things have been building up for a long time already. I've had these thoughts since I was a child, it was just a matter of time.

 

[pelicanportal]

That was my 2025, my "it has to get better" year. I think and hope your 2026 will get better and you can hang in there a bit.