ringo99
Arcanist
- Apr 18, 2023
- 416
Took an online test today and according to it I have severe BPD. I know online tests aren't all that reliable but at the very least I have some level of BPD. My entire life makes complete sense now. Why I have no friends, why I experience massive mood swings, why I have severe depression, why I have zero interest in maintaining relationships, why I obsess over trivial nonsense, why I have a panic attack whenever I'm subjected to life changes that most wouldn't bat an eye at and why I don't give a shit about saving for the future. And I can't stop myself even though I know about it.
The signs were there since childhood. I'd fight constantly over trivial stuff and always got into trouble. I never made any friends in school and college and have no interest in making any at work either. I constantly pushed away people who were trying to help me. I am an introvert to this day and can't interact with people without experiencing extreme discomfort.
The cruelest irony in all this is that I come from a family of doctors. My father suffers from severe BPD himself even though he refuses to acknowledge it. So my condition is at least in part genetic. If one of my parents could've taken me to therapy early on I suppose something could've been done to prevent myself from becoming what I am now. None of them bothered to question why my personality and social life were such a mess. Instead they focused on my grades and nothing else. I knew my father was a lost cause. When I confided in my mother her solution was always along the lines of "Just get better".
This test was a red pill moment for me. I'm 36 years old, single, no friends and in a dead end tech job that I'll soon be booted out of and have no savings worth mentioning. I'm in a self destructive spiral that's only getting steeper.
But I'm glad. Why? Because my decision to ctb eventually is fully justified and the only way out of my problems. Bizarrely, I'm a little more at peace with myself knowing that my life was destined to be a hellish nightmare from birth and not totally because of the choices I made
The signs were there since childhood. I'd fight constantly over trivial stuff and always got into trouble. I never made any friends in school and college and have no interest in making any at work either. I constantly pushed away people who were trying to help me. I am an introvert to this day and can't interact with people without experiencing extreme discomfort.
The cruelest irony in all this is that I come from a family of doctors. My father suffers from severe BPD himself even though he refuses to acknowledge it. So my condition is at least in part genetic. If one of my parents could've taken me to therapy early on I suppose something could've been done to prevent myself from becoming what I am now. None of them bothered to question why my personality and social life were such a mess. Instead they focused on my grades and nothing else. I knew my father was a lost cause. When I confided in my mother her solution was always along the lines of "Just get better".
This test was a red pill moment for me. I'm 36 years old, single, no friends and in a dead end tech job that I'll soon be booted out of and have no savings worth mentioning. I'm in a self destructive spiral that's only getting steeper.
But I'm glad. Why? Because my decision to ctb eventually is fully justified and the only way out of my problems. Bizarrely, I'm a little more at peace with myself knowing that my life was destined to be a hellish nightmare from birth and not totally because of the choices I made
