I have bpd and all I want is someone I can't get

[Amandye13]

I wish I found a guy or an older man or even a woman that would want to be and live with me and would understand my issues and would give me proper support. That is literally all I want. Bpd is a developmental trauma and I know I lack the experience of having a 100% safe figure in my life who would help me get through my triggers and help me regulate my emotions. I feel like that is impossible though and everyone says so as well (especially therapists) and everyone wants to help me be more independent, when I want nothing more than a person who I could be clingy with and who I would depend on. I believe that is the missing experience for people with bpd in general and is actually "the cure" for it. Every child finds their autonomy in the safety of depending on a parent and I believe bpd people are stuck in that phase because we never got the proper consistent secure support, mirroring and validation. But I start doubting myself when I am met with so much opposition from people and especially "professionals". And I doubt people who could and would want to care for a bpd person like that even exist. And especially not for me because I also believe I am unattractive and ugly (bdd is actually my dominant issue right now). So whatever. I guess I'm just a toxic person trying to justify my dysfunctional and destructive lifestyle. Or maybe I'm right. But it doesn't matter if no one agrees with me. I'm so sick and tired of all the torture and confusion that I'm experiencing in this life. Death is the only thing that gives me the security that I so desperately need.

 

[TooLate2582]

As a BPD'er, I concur.

 

[_Kaira_]

I am diagnosed with bpd as well. I know exactly how you feel. Anyone I ever come into contact with soon find out I am a toxic and repulsive person. I honestly wish I knew how to control my explosive emotions, as I am bipolar as well. I tend to be too argumentative, as such I push people away with how I act. Most of any relationship I've ever had always ended because of toxicity and me tendency to blow things out of proportion as well as my anger. Honestly just don't know how to control myself. I am also a very jealous person and nearly incapable of trust. Any person I've ever been with really can't handle my toxic tendencies, I don't blame them.

I have severe social anxiety to boot, so it's damn near impossible to get a job...I have tried, but I usually never get callbacks, probably cause I have stutter issues and prone to panic attacks. Medications don't seem to help. Anyone I live with really hate having to provide for me, again I don't blame them. Some days I wonder if I'm truly just wasn't meant to be born. A mistake. At this point, I feel as though I'm a lost cause.

BPD is sadly not even the worst of my mile long list of problems. Truly I really am my own worst enemy.

 

[Amandye13]

I am diagnosed with bpd as well. I know exactly how you feel. Anyone I ever come into contact with soon find out I am a toxic and repulsive person. I honestly wish I knew how to control my explosive emotions, as I am bipolar as well. I tend to be too argumentative, as such I push people away with how I act. Most of any relationship I've ever had always ended because of toxicity and me tendency to blow things out of proportion as well as my anger. Honestly just don't know how to control myself. I am also a very jealous person and nearly incapable of trust. Any person I've ever been with really can't handle my toxic tendencies, I don't blame them.

I have severe social anxiety to boot, so it's damn near impossible to get a job...I have tried, but I usually never get callbacks, probably cause I have stutter issues and prone to panic attacks. Medications don't seem to help. Anyone I live with really hate having to provide for me, again I don't blame them. Some days I wonder if I'm truly just wasn't meant to be born. A mistake. At this point, I feel as though I'm a lost cause.

BPD is sadly not even the worst of my mile long list of problems. Truly I really am my own worst enemy.

It's developmental trauma. And no one knows how to deal with it properly, because no one wants to see an adult as a child. People have it all wrong when it comes to healing mental issues and now we all believe we're toxic scum. They all teach us how to "manage" our problems, it's like telling a person with a broken leg oh you just gotta focus on ypur healthy leg and use that one, or you can manage it by being in a wheelchair or you can use your broken leg so many times until you get used to the pain and you can walk again, oh and here are some painkillers that will make the pain more manageable and if you don't want to do any if that and if you fail to feel better it's your fault and you have a weak will and you just choose to succumb to your broken leg, how toxic. This is how people treat bpd and other disorders all the way to schizophrenia, instead of "mending the leg back together" they try to make the damage more manageable to live with. It's disgusting and I wish to die because of this barbaric mental health system and their barbaric approaches.

 

[Sk1n1M1n]

i have bpd and weirdly enough although is destructive at times it makes me feel "human" again that I do have feelings emotions and I am not robot as with depression I feel that iam on long road with no end in sight, there's no joy, no sadness, no emotions and I can make life very boring and with depression, I change the situation I.e go to uni, keep productive but the depression doesn't budge.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I wish I found a guy or an older man or even a woman that would want to be and live with me and would understand my issues and would give me proper support. That is literally all I want. Bpd is a developmental trauma and I know I lack the experience of having a 100% safe figure in my life who would help me get through my triggers and help me regulate my emotions. I feel like that is impossible though and everyone says so as well (especially therapists) and everyone wants to help me be more independent, when I want nothing more than a person who I could be clingy with and who I would depend on. I believe that is the missing experience for people with bpd in general and is actually "the cure" for it. Every child finds their autonomy in the safety of depending on a parent and I believe bpd people are stuck in that phase because we never got the proper consistent secure support, mirroring and validation. But I start doubting myself when I am met with so much opposition from people and especially "professionals". And I doubt people who could and would want to care for a bpd person like that even exist. And especially not for me because I also believe I am unattractive and ugly (bdd is actually my dominant issue right now). So whatever. I guess I'm just a toxic person trying to justify my dysfunctional and destructive lifestyle. Or maybe I'm right. But it doesn't matter if no one agrees with me. I'm so sick and tired of all the torture and confusion that I'm experiencing in this life. Death is the only thing that gives me the security that I so desperately need.

I know exactly how you feel. Knowing that it is impossible to find such a person in life (we can never return to being children again) is excruciating because whatever others do just isn't enough to fill up that void. Some wounds never heal and nothing we do later in life can fix an unhappy childhood.