I have been suicidal throughout my 20s but i have never acted upon my thoughts

[FireFox]

I am 26 and have been suicidal since the age of 21 despite all this I just can never bring myself to actually kill myself. As a teen I was quite morbid and so many read stories of suicides going wrong and people being permanently disabled from a failed suicide hence why I have an aversion towards certain methods. Throught my 20s I have gotten instruvive thoughts of wanting to hang myself or overdose or down myself but it's never strong enough for me to actually act upon it all I do is just keep riding it out. During this period I was able to graduate university without any problems, have normal relations with people and appear happy. The fear overrides the urges

I have heard people in my life say that people who are genuinely suicidal kill themselves and people who talk about suicidal thoughts or ideation are "attention seekers." For this reason I never considered myself a real suicidal person. By the time I reach 30 I will be finally be successful as I know I don't want to live through another decade and now I have pretty much given up on life to care. I have had the worst year ever since January everything keeps going wrong for me and now I believe life is not worth living nor fighting for. Its not worth it anymore

 

[warriorkot]

you aren't an attention seeker for not going through with suicide, to me you seem like a pretty strong person for sticking around this far. im sorry your life has been so unfair on you and i wish you peacefulness and happiness in whatever you decide to do

 

[Ligand]

I am 26 and have been suicidal since the age of 21 despite all this I just can never bring myself to actually kill myself. As a teen I was quite morbid and so many read stories of suicides going wrong and people being permanently disabled from a failed suicide hence why I have an aversion towards certain methods. Throught my 20s I have gotten instruvive thoughts of wanting to hang myself or overdose or down myself but it's never strong enough for me to actually act upon it all I do is just keep riding it out. During this period I was able to graduate university without any problems, have normal relations with people and appear happy. The fear overrides the urges

I have heard people in my life say that people who are genuinely suicidal kill themselves and people who talk about suicidal thoughts or ideation are "attention seekers." For this reason I never considered myself a real suicidal person. By the time I reach 30 I will be finally be successful as I know I don't want to live through another decade and now I have pretty much given up on life to care. I have had the worst year ever since January everything keeps going wrong for me and now I believe life is not worth living nor fighting for. Its not worth it anymore

Cheers brother I'll drink to that

Edit: I skimmed through your profile a bit and it looks like there's hope for you. I think you've got a lot of good stuff coming around the corner, don't give up yet.

 

[FireFox]

Cheers brother I'll drink to that

Edit: I skimmed through your profile a bit and it looks like there's hope for you. I think you've got a lot of good stuff coming around the corner, don't give up yet.

@Ligand All throughout my life I am someone who has always been determined to make things work out because that is who I am but now I have finally had enough of all this bullshit called life since New Year Day it has been nothing but a year of everything going wrong in my life

I am child of immigrants and in my family's culture family is very an enormous deal especially loyalty and approval. My mother along with other relatives in western countries sends money from to help these relatives overseas who are actually the biggest freeloading pieces of shit and not even grateful for the help they demand from the other relatives. My teens were spent travelling with my family to see these relatives overseas and being in transit in different countries as the country is so poor they haven't even got their own airline. As a teenager I treated being in transit in different countries like an adventure because I hated trips so much and needed something to keep me happy as I was not allowed to be upset about it and forced to put up with it.

I was so happy when the travel ban came during covid19 pandemic because it meant no longer seeing these relatives anymore. Seeing these relatives overseas this year has been pure hell. I have worst relatives in the world and so ashamed these are my blood relatives.

●Workplace- Toxic environment which I got fired from. I was always nice and respectful to everyone at work but my older work colleagues who I thought were my friends gossiped about me at work and humiliated me while all my other work colleagues kept going behind my back to our boss and was never honest with me about anything. My boss cruelly kept putting me down a lot which has damaged my confidence a lot. The mangers let him humilate me. I fought till the very end all on my own despite all the workplace bullshit. I fought alone.

● I feel in love with an older man in his 50s all because he noticed me, gave me attention all my life guys my own age ignored me, treated me awfully always and never wanted to know me. All my life I have been the invisible girl then women it felt soooo great to have a man finally see me, the real me. I was so stupid and it turned out he is nothing but a two faced mainpulative lying piece of shit man child who has caused me enormous pain. In the end I felt like a stupid kid playing an adult game.

the list of everything going wrong this year is never ending, its something out of Netflix. Life is not worth it anymore.

 

[Ligand]

@Ligand All throughout my life I am someone who has always been determined to make things work out because that is who I am but now I have finally had enough of all this bullshit called life since New Year Day it has been nothing but a year of everything going wrong in my life

I am child of immigrants and in my family's culture family is very an enormous deal especially loyalty and approval. My mother along with other relatives in western countries sends money from to help these relatives overseas who are actually the biggest freeloading pieces of shit and not even grateful for the help they demand from the other relatives. My teens were spent travelling with my family to see these relatives overseas and being in transit in different countries as the country is so poor they haven't even got their own airline. As a teenager I treated being in transit in different countries like an adventure because I hated trips so much and needed something to keep me happy as I was not allowed to be upset about it and forced to put up with it.

I was so happy when the travel ban came during covid19 pandemic because it meant no longer seeing these relatives anymore. Seeing these relatives overseas this year has been pure hell. I have worst relatives in the world and so ashamed these are my blood relatives.

●Workplace- Toxic environment which I got fired from. I was always nice and respectful to everyone at work but my older work colleagues who I thought were my friends gossiped about me at work and humiliated me while all my other work colleagues kept going behind my back to our boss and was never honest with me about anything. My boss cruelly kept putting me down a lot which has damaged my confidence a lot. The mangers let him humilate me. I fought till the very end all on my own despite all the workplace bullshit. I fought alone.

● I feel in love with an older man in his 50s all because he noticed me, gave me attention all my life guys my own age ignored me, treated me awfully always and never wanted to know me. All my life I have been the invisible girl then women it felt soooo great to have a man finally see me, the real me. I was so stupid and it turned out he is nothing but a two faced mainpulative lying piece of shit man child who has caused me enormous pain. In the end I felt like a stupid kid playing an adult game.

the list of everything going wrong this year is never ending, its something out of Netflix. Life is not worth it anymore.

That's a lot to deal with a once. Sounds shitty. You have any friends IRL?

 

[FireFox]

That's a lot to deal with a once. Sounds shitty. You have any friends IRL?

@Ligand I used to be friends with women from the r/ForeverAlonewomen community and was active on the groups discord server until the community drove me out. I used to hang out in that community because it was nice meeting women just like me who never had boyfriend and spent their whole lives being single. I have no real friends in real life

On the discord everyone knew how about my struggles and I helped other women with their struggles and responsed always with compassion, I tend to be detailed person generally but I get straight to the point. The moderator in a discord group since day 1 I always felt like she never liked me. This time she was mega super arsehole and responsed "stop writing novel long pages", "rehashing trauma" and "go see a therapist". I only wrote 2-3 shorts paragraphs then shamed me infront of the community yes even bringing up old irrelevant posts. This woman moderator no life of her own she lives her life on moderating reddit and discord server talks about the meals she having at restaurants, her WFH translator job, weekend at home or how loves karaoke. Just like the moderator the women in the FAW are introverted, stay at home when they are not work or college whereas I go out a lot to places, love in depth on philosophy, art, history and politics it was hard at times to bond with the women in that community.

The community I cared about turned against me and moderator banned me from her server. The people in that community worship the moderator

 

[Ligand]

@Ligand I used to be friends with women from the r/ForeverAlonewomen community and was active on the groups discord server until the community drove me out. I used to hang out in that community because it was nice meeting women just like me who never had boyfriend and spent their whole lives being single. I have no real friends in real life

On the discord everyone knew how about my struggles and I helped other women with their struggles and responsed always with compassion, I tend to be detailed person generally but I get straight to the point. The moderator in a discord group since day 1 I always felt like she never liked me. This time she was mega super arsehole and responsed "stop writing novel long pages", "rehashing trauma" and "go see a therapist". I only wrote 2-3 shorts paragraphs then shamed me infront of the community yes even bringing up old irrelevant posts. This woman moderator no life of her own she lives her life on moderating reddit and discord server talks about the meals she having at restaurants, her WFH translator job, weekend at home or how loves karaoke. Just like the moderator the women in the FAW are introverted, stay at home when they are not work or college whereas I go out a lot to places, love in depth on philosophy, art, history and politics it was hard at times to bond with the women in that community.

The community I cared about turned against me and moderator banned me from her server. The people in that community worship the moderator

You said you are very active and go out a lot but you also have no friends, so you go do all of this stuff by yourself?

 

[FireFox]

you aren't an attention seeker for not going through with suicide, to me you seem like a pretty strong person for sticking around this far. im sorry your life has been so unfair on you and i wish you peacefulness and happiness in whatever you decide to do

@warriorkot At least I can say I tried and fought because I really did. I realise now life is not for me it never was. Growing up I always struggled to fit in. As a teen I had to deal with feeling unwanted my large family tree of blood relatives who all knew my mum was struggling as a single mother when she had me and none cared nor helped her even the wealthy ones didn't care. My mum and grandmother always helped everyone in the family. I have had to deal with relatives looking down upon me for not being traditional and following the culture like them. My relatives even gossiped about how werid I am. My mother cares so much about arsehole relatives approval. As a teen I was always builled and fought back against the people bullying me I hated school because of the bullying and struggling to fit in even my own crush was so ashamed of to be seen with me at school because I was werid girl. He humiliated me in front of the entire school.

In adulthood I had to deal with this massive hole of always being rejected by men I loved even my own father rejected me, never belonging and failing to be a functional adult. I just want to sleep forever now

You said you are very active and go out a lot but you also have no friends, so you go do all of this stuff by yourself?

@Ligand Yes. I go to museums, vist parks and attractions in my country all by myself, I organise day trips by myself. Its how I live. Its so lonely because I wish I had a man by my side. It's so hard seeing couples together in public because its love I never had throughout my life and I all I have ever known is men rejecting me.

It's now impossible to make friends at 26. The woman I grew up with are married or have babies with their long term boyfriends or busy with work and then stay at home on weekends going to church or with family. I live in a suburb neighbourhood and see the people I grew up with. Its reminder how I failed to get a man and always getting rejected or treated like shit by guys I like. Sometimes I think I was born to be rejected by men even at birth my father didn't want me. Maybe that was a sign that I am the problem, the sickness and I truly am unlovable. The older man I fell in love with fucked with my head and emotions. It absolutely hurt when he called his long term life long partner his "rock" and how he will never love me like that. He even cruelly said how I am too young for him. The arsehole then proceeds to make life difficult at work for me. He used the workplace management to terrorise me at work my boss participated with him in the humiliation. I really loved him so much I don't think I ever met another man who made me feel special the way he did before he turned against me.

 

[FuneralCry]

Those people are just so ignorant, I cannot stand those delusional people who insult suicidal people and label them as not truly suicidal for still being here despite the fact that suicide really isn't straightforward, it really does seem like suicidal people are treat badly everywhere.