Venting i have an restrictive eating disorder

[aura.]

i believe i have some kind of restrictive eating disorder, and i don't know why i care.

I am currently 51kg/112lbs and i have not eaten for the past two days. my high score is nearly a week fasting, so this isn't too extreme (for me)

i will do anything to be thin. my ideal weight will be 38kg/83lbs. but i think once i hit that even then i will not be satisfied.

i don't think i can bring myself to ctb until i am absolutely perfect. it feels like i am keeping myself here and i am going insane.

but why do i even care what i look like? why do i care when i wont be around to even see it?

it makes no sense but i cant stop thinking about my body and how it looks every second of every day. i think if i were beautiful and perfect in every way i wouldn't want to ctb but,,, alas,,,, i am not. so i strive for it and then i think, maybe i will finally be able to let go.

though being imperfect isn't the reason i want to ctb, it is a contributing factor. i strive for perfection in every area of my life and if it is not achieved,,, i often give up. but before i can, at long last, give up, for some reason , i need to perfect myself,,,

i am just holding on until i can finally escape my physical body and feel peace at last.

but why can't i go through with ctb unless i do not possess any flaws??? i feel so trapped.

 

[Bodydysmorphia34]

I can understand your pain. I have major bodydysmorphia and an unhealthy relationship with food. Sometimes I kind of like starving myself. But I also suffer from a loss of appetite due to my depression so gaining weight is super difficult for me (I weigh 52 kg at 170 cm, male 23). I know I'm probably too thin for my height but at the same time I'm scared of becoming fat. Perfectionism is a huge deal for me too.

It's hard for me to give you reasonable advice since I have similar issues but you shouldn't try to suppress your hunger and try to develop a healthy eating routine (I know this sounds ironic coming from someone like me but I just want to give you what most people would recommend you).

 

[undecided]

You will always have 'flaws', as long as you continue to lose weight as you are doing now. You are way too thin, and that's not attractive, sexy or healthy. I appreciate that you obviously have an eating disorder. Do you know that you have an eating disorder? If yes, have you sought any help?

 

[aura.]

I can understand your pain. I have major bodydysmorphia and an unhealthy relationship with food. Sometimes I kind of like starving myself. But I also suffer from a loss of appetite due to my depression so gaining weight is super difficult for me (I weigh 52 kg at 170 cm, male 23). I know I'm probably too thin for my height but at the same time I'm scared of becoming fat. Perfectionism is a huge deal for me too.

It's hard for me to give you reasonable advice since I have similar issues but you shouldn't try to suppress your hunger and try to develop a healthy eating routine (I know this sounds ironic coming from someone like me but I just want to give you what most people would recommend you).

me too, i am terrified of weight gain or looking fat. i also get the wanting to stave because of the feeling, it just feels clean to me whenever im fasting or am extremely hungry.

and thank you for the advice, i don't think i will have a very healthy eating routine until i am happy with my weight and look of my body, but maybe then ill try to maintain my weight. thank you

You will always have 'flaws', as long as you continue to lose weight as you are doing now. You are way too thin, and that's not attractive, sexy or healthy. I appreciate that you obviously have an eating disorder. Do you know that you have an eating disorder? If yes, have you sought any help?

i get what you are saying but my mindset towards my body isn't based off of anyone else's view except my own.

and yes, i know i have clear traits of an eating disorder but i don't believe it is serious enough to be a defined term, such as anorexia.

i think of it more as some kind of diet or practice with my self-control than a serious problem.

im not in any risk of dying or anything like that and im still very close to a healthy weight/bmi for my stats. i also don't have a 'fear' of food or anything and half the time find eating particularly easy, though i do always feel guilt after.

and i have never sought help because i dont see it as a danger and simply a sort of 'lifestyle choice'.