Venting I have all the support one would need, but I still cant convince myself that this is not the way

[BlackNails]

I'm new here so please forgive If I am offending anyone here.
I live a rather comfortable life, nothing exceptional, but I have a roof, a very lax (albeit very low paying) job.
I have people id consider friends with whom I can speak about most things. My family although very manipulative, supports me best they can and care for me I believe.
I see a pshyc and ologyst. Im on meds. Although not anymore, but used to gym hard 5 days a week, drink regular water, take needed supplements.
Physically Im rather healthy. Not overweight, (although body image issues but meh). Id say im not unattractive, although Im so socially akward that kills all possibilities of forming meaningful romantic relationships. For all intensive purposes, I shouldn't be here.

But the thoughts never escape me. I am always tired. I cant function or keep up with my daily duties. Ive resorted to experimenting with drugs to "get better", specially after listening to many podcasts about the benefits of Psilocybin and ketamine. But got trapped in what ive realized is a real benzo and similar addiction state.

I sh, sometimes severely.
I mix pills and drink and play the lotto on life some nights not knowing if ill wake up or not.

I cant seem to "get over it"
I look at the world and I cant agree with how things are, I look at my life and all I see is failure, I look towards the future and its all downhill.

And its been years.

I just dont want to be, but I feel forced to because of those that try there best to help.
But I cant seem to accept the help, dont even know if I want it at this point.
I just keep fantasizing about leaving.

So why can I have what so many of you need. Support, structure, security, and still its not enough for me.
I hate myself even more because I know others in my situation would gain a will for life.
If I could switch bodies with someone I would, just so that those that care for me could have someone worthy of receiving their attention

Fuck idk man.
Im just hopeless

I make my life so much worse than it needs to be. Sabotage anything good in my life. Always trying to hurt myself and ruin my situations.
Never experiencing any hope or joy, just moments of numbing myself by binging YouTube and shitposting on forum websites

I am the only reason my life is bad. I am responsible for everything emotionally negative I experience daily ....

So why cant I be happy when Im the only one in my own way
I don't even know if this is the correct place to vent like this, so apologies if im wrong, feel free to remove the post if need be.
I dont even know what I excpect to come from this, but damn its nice to have found a place where people are just like yea, lets checkout.
No, go outside and touch grass bullshit

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's really understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering as after all existing here certainly is so dreadful, it does sound tiring what you have to go through. To me the thought of leaving this world is the only thing that's appealing.

 

[doublespeed]

I'm new here so please forgive If I am offending anyone here.
I live a rather comfortable life, nothing exceptional, but I have a roof, a very lax (albeit very low paying) job.
I have people id consider friends with whom I can speak about most things. My family although very manipulative, supports me best they can and care for me I believe.
I see a pshyc and ologyst. Im on meds. Although not anymore, but used to gym hard 5 days a week, drink regular water, take needed supplements.
Physically Im rather healthy. Not overweight, (although body image issues but meh). Id say im not unattractive, although Im so socially akward that kills all possibilities of forming meaningful romantic relationships. For all intensive purposes, I shouldn't be here.

But the thoughts never escape me. I am always tired. I cant function or keep up with my daily duties. Ive resorted to experimenting with drugs to "get better", specially after listening to many podcasts about the benefits of Psilocybin and ketamine. But got trapped in what ive realized is a real benzo and similar addiction state.

I sh, sometimes severely.
I mix pills and drink and play the lotto on life some nights not knowing if ill wake up or not.

I cant seem to "get over it"
I look at the world and I cant agree with how things are, I look at my life and all I see is failure, I look towards the future and its all downhill.

And its been years.

I just dont want to be, but I feel forced to because of those that try there best to help.
But I cant seem to accept the help, dont even know if I want it at this point.
I just keep fantasizing about leaving.

So why can I have what so many of you need. Support, structure, security, and still its not enough for me.
I hate myself even more because I know others in my situation would gain a will for life.
If I could switch bodies with someone I would, just so that those that care for me could have someone worthy of receiving their attention

Fuck idk man.
Im just hopeless

I make my life so much worse than it needs to be. Sabotage anything good in my life. Always trying to hurt myself and ruin my situations.
Never experiencing any hope or joy, just moments of numbing myself by binging YouTube and shitposting on forum websites

I am the only reason my life is bad. I am responsible for everything emotionally negative I experience daily ....

So why cant I be happy when Im the only one in my own way
I don't even know if this is the correct place to vent like this, so apologies if im wrong, feel free to remove the post if need be.
I dont even know what I excpect to come from this, but damn its nice to have found a place where people are just like yea, lets checkout.
No, go outside and touch grass bullshit

I relate to this 100%.. I feel really stupid like there is something wrong with my brain because WHY am I creating problems for myself?? It's like I always need something negative going on. One theory I have is that my life is so boring (and i cant appreciate anything positive or fun) so I create all this negativity because at least its SOMETHING, which apparently is better than nothing..

 

[Ambivalent1]

Some guys have all the luck. I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I am the only reason my life is bad. I am responsible for everything emotionally negative I experience daily ....

I believe that many people who feel bad about themselves were taught to feel this way (including me). There are a lot of different kinds of emotional abuse and it can be very subtle. If emotional abuse is the only normal you ever knew, would you recognize it as abuse? I don't want to read into your words but you mentioned your family is very manipulative and to me, that's a red flag. Ofc family is not the only source of unhealthy messages or abuse.

Whatever the case, I'm sorry things feel so bad. Fuck the "touch grass" people, with their easy solutions. Idk how to solve my or anyone else's problems, but I do know that the longer I live, the more factors I uncover that contributed to me being the unstable fuck up I am today.

 

[MeltingBrain]

What did the psychiatrist say ?

 

[BlackNails]

I relate to this 100%.. I feel really stupid like there is something wrong with my brain because WHY am I creating problems for myself?? It's like I always need something negative going on. One theory I have is that my life is so boring (and i cant appreciate anything positive or fun) so I create all this negativity because at least its SOMETHING, which apparently is better than nothing..

I think I relate strongly. Its like even when things go "good" my brain is thinking of all the ways itll go bad or actively deploying small "drones" into the situations so that they will blow up. As if the only "comfort" I can find is when things are bad. So if they are not bad I am uncomfortable. Almost like I hate myself so much I only deserve bad, and If on one else will provide it ill do it myself.

Some guys have all the luck. I was born with glass bones and paper skin. Every morning I break my legs, and every afternoon I break my arms. At night, I lie awake in agony until my heart attacks put me to sleep.

Once again I must apologize that I try and seek sympathy from those in much much worse situations than me.

What did the psychiatrist say ?

First time I saw him he sent me to the "mad house" (inpatient)
Diagnosed me with a bunch of different mental issues. But Im so good at "pretending to be alright" that he thinks im getting better, because I have this strange desire to please everyone in life so I want to be the "good student / patient"

Mentioned weed to him once and got a full session of him berating me for how it'll cause psychosis. So I don't tell him about the harder stuff.
Ive gone down the road with him for over 3 years now, but honestly he thinks things are going great and when I try to verbalize otherwise his response usually is "Well people are not supposed to be happy all the time"

But no, I don't mention anything along the lines of CTB, did it twice and both time I was sent inpatient
I miss being there tbh, I was in a good place, everyone was open about being broken, but I need to be the good son that is recovering because look at all the help we have and are providing him, that if I were to go again, I would just cause even more invisible hatred from those close to me towards me, because "Nothing is wrong with him why must he go"

Im so, so good at making people thinking im fine

TW: Sexual Assault
The same day I was assualted (no I didnt go cops I know its bad not to but ... ) I was able to go home and act like nothing happened and no one asked me anything about why if I was acting "odd" or not

I dont think myself illogical, but I want to leave while there are still some good memories of me, and before I become such a burden that all they remember is that lazy bumb of a brother that did nothing with their life, because I was the "gifted" kid, who had so much potential and everyone told me Id achieve great things ... now Im close to mid 20's and instead of having a life worth bragging about, im here (no offense)