NeverMatteredAnyway
I matter now.
- Jan 13, 2020
- 148
I know that, before this ear injury thats pushed the pain of my depression and anxiety over into the physical realm, the very original source of my chronic depression and anxiety, and the overall pain of waking up everyday being me with my memories, all starts with my mother and abusive childhood. If not for my overpowering si, playing mind games with me when I finally got away from her "you make too much money now, youre really pretty, you still have a chance someone/people around you will love you, you still have a chance youll have a family, you still have a chance at love and happiness. Kill yourself when theres no more chance"
Repeating the same thing with the same type of person as my parents, always hoping for a different outcome, I myself essentially insured Id never find what I dreamed of. Now Im old, ugly, anyone from my past I have to laugh when I say Im embarrassed at how I havent been able to afford the cost of keeping my face up. The only joy Ive ever felt in life was the attention and money I got from my looks. Shallow, but the truth. Coming from being told I was worthless everyday, I mean everyday, Id do anything when someone appreciated me for something. Its all gone now, theres nothing left to feel good about, and life turned into just making it to work, and home to zone out on movies and sleep. Not much of a life. Dead would be better, but that si just keeps me from it.
The memories of the abuse in childhood and the abuse all the years since, mostly because if the people I chose, are with me as always, from the moment I wake up. Rejection, abandonment. I need help because of the ear thing, I reach out everyday and manage to get my hopes up only to be abandoned again by unanswered calls or emails. The rejection and pain of this life never ends, I was foolish to ever hope it would I guess. Im good at ignoring the emotional pain of my life. I feel it every moment, and I just pretend to be normal at whatever job. I do always get bullied out, I cant keep a job, its always because someone takes my hours or I stand up to someone taking the liberty to verbally abuse me. This time its because someone hurt me at work, and its so bad I cant ignore it, I need help, like the constant reality of my life Im denied. And then fired lol.
But it all started with that !@#$ of a mother of mine. I watch kids with parents who love them. I got NONE of that. None. Without droaning on and on about the woman I wish had gotten eaten by sharks before giving birth to me lol, my question is: what percentage of people want to ctb (ctb means kick the bucket? Why isnt it ktb? Just noticed that) What percentage of us were abused as children? Because I know, I just know that had I been loved I'd be ok. My brain chemistry wouldnt have become contorted into some f'd up just try to stay alive mess, my choices of people would have been healthy and waking up being me every gd day wouldnt be the emotional draining pain I dont choose to endure, but my si prevents me from escaping. How many people ctb because of their childhood?
Repeating the same thing with the same type of person as my parents, always hoping for a different outcome, I myself essentially insured Id never find what I dreamed of. Now Im old, ugly, anyone from my past I have to laugh when I say Im embarrassed at how I havent been able to afford the cost of keeping my face up. The only joy Ive ever felt in life was the attention and money I got from my looks. Shallow, but the truth. Coming from being told I was worthless everyday, I mean everyday, Id do anything when someone appreciated me for something. Its all gone now, theres nothing left to feel good about, and life turned into just making it to work, and home to zone out on movies and sleep. Not much of a life. Dead would be better, but that si just keeps me from it.
The memories of the abuse in childhood and the abuse all the years since, mostly because if the people I chose, are with me as always, from the moment I wake up. Rejection, abandonment. I need help because of the ear thing, I reach out everyday and manage to get my hopes up only to be abandoned again by unanswered calls or emails. The rejection and pain of this life never ends, I was foolish to ever hope it would I guess. Im good at ignoring the emotional pain of my life. I feel it every moment, and I just pretend to be normal at whatever job. I do always get bullied out, I cant keep a job, its always because someone takes my hours or I stand up to someone taking the liberty to verbally abuse me. This time its because someone hurt me at work, and its so bad I cant ignore it, I need help, like the constant reality of my life Im denied. And then fired lol.
But it all started with that !@#$ of a mother of mine. I watch kids with parents who love them. I got NONE of that. None. Without droaning on and on about the woman I wish had gotten eaten by sharks before giving birth to me lol, my question is: what percentage of people want to ctb (ctb means kick the bucket? Why isnt it ktb? Just noticed that) What percentage of us were abused as children? Because I know, I just know that had I been loved I'd be ok. My brain chemistry wouldnt have become contorted into some f'd up just try to stay alive mess, my choices of people would have been healthy and waking up being me every gd day wouldnt be the emotional draining pain I dont choose to endure, but my si prevents me from escaping. How many people ctb because of their childhood?
