UnnervedCompany
Member
- Jun 21, 2024
- 49
The first part is an intro that isn't related to the thread I just wanna make an introduction. I am extremely new here so if I do something wrong with my posts or my profile please correct me. I came to this site after watching the Tectarul vid and found his claims and assumptions on this website misleading. When reading the forums of this site it does not seem people support suicide as he said but more like leaving people free to do so. This is prolly the only space were suicide and mental illnesses are not shunned and people speak extremely freely of it which is what I like. Also if my profile and immature or unprofessional for this forum tell me please. Hsr and Genshin have been the only saving grace of my life so far.
-Skip introduction here: So regarding the topic I found this person on Genshin I will refer to him by Lan. So Lan and I met in Genshin. I was extremely lonely beforehand. I never had friends that lasted a good while who did not leave me unexpectedly and as well I cannot connect to my family because if they find anything about me such as that I talk to online people, I have feminine interests and I am gay, I might get killed by them. With Lan he came to me on Genshin so I felt that he would be a great friend to make since he might be desperate to know people as well.
With Lan because I met him as such a terrible point in my life I have become extremely emotionally attached to him. I always think about him, constantly worry how he feels of me, I cannot be happy unless I am talking to him. I need him in my life but I feel there are some things holding us from becoming actual great friends. First I get extreme mood swings when talking to him online. I a lot of times repeatedly ask him if he will abandon me, if he finds me annoying, if I mean nothing to him. Usually he responds with things I want to hear but sometimes he makes claims that I do not mean a lot to him as much as he does to me. When he says the positive things such as reassuring me he won't leave me and that he enjoys my company I feel extreme amount of happiness but he also says stuff such as I do not matter much to him, I have zero impact to his life and that I am whiny. A lot of what he says are contradictions. I have never been diagnosed for autism and I do not want to self diagnose myself with it but a lot of how I act kind of makes me think I do have it especially I cannot understand social cues in the slightest. I do not understand Lan at all if he actually cares for me or not. He seems to care even when I played league of legends on my own he told me to concentrate and try my best which feels like something people would only say if they want an individual to be happy in life. But as well I do not know why he says such things as I have zero impact and I barely mean anything to him. I thought if you are friends with someone you would feel upset with their absence or something.
Another problem is that a lot of what I like he does not seem interested in doing. I wanted to buy matching Genshin vision lockets but he said no, I want to watch a movie with him and he said no. I do not understand why is he not trying any effort in becoming friends. All of my suggestions of us doing things together other than talking or playing Genshin gets thrown out of the window by him. I thought that people do activities together to improve on relationships. He as well does not give any suggestions on things we can do together. I also really enjoy gay art, and asmr. It makes me feel whole when I listen to asmr's like cozy cub and scroll through gay art in pintrest. I feel without those things I cannot function and I will become extremly depressed mostly due to me lacking any type of gay representation in my life as well as the extreme longing for romantic love. I also am writing currently a gay story that I want to publish on wattpad. The problem with all this stuff Lan does not seem the slightest bit interested in conversing with me regarding them. Honestly he does not feel any interest in conversing with me at all he never starts conversations and only responds with broken half sentence responses to everything I say.
A lot of what I am saying so far seems that Lan is an awful person for me individually but I cannot help it I have already gotten extremely attached to him so much that I cannot sleep well unless he tells me goodnight. I don't know if I actually love him but I love saying it to him it makes me happy telling him the words I luv u then dropping an UwU at the end to make myself not seem serious. We had a fight that I want to not have us break apart from. I got insecure about my relationship with him and started saying things such as I bring only burden to Lan and he hates me secretly. He started it off with making fun of my insecurities due to it being a regular occurrence but then he started stating things that proved my point that he hates me. He said: "What loss do you bring to my life? I think you're overestimating your impact on my life." When I asked him if he would be upset if we stopped talking he stated "Idk, tbh I don't get sad about those kinds of things, not after everything that has happened to me." When I asked him why has he stopped talking to me yet he stated: "I thought I would feel guilty, but I don't think I will" then followed it off with "So goodbye, have a nice life, hope you can fix your problem."
He has not left yet he talked to me a bit regarding my points of wanting us to continue being friends and building a friendship but he seemed pessimistic regarding the ordeal. I desperately need him in my life I cannot feel anything without him. I do not want to return to the emptiness and constant suicidal inclinations that I felt before meeting him. What do I do now do I keep him in my life. I am terrified of being alone again that is the last thing I want.
-Skip introduction here: So regarding the topic I found this person on Genshin I will refer to him by Lan. So Lan and I met in Genshin. I was extremely lonely beforehand. I never had friends that lasted a good while who did not leave me unexpectedly and as well I cannot connect to my family because if they find anything about me such as that I talk to online people, I have feminine interests and I am gay, I might get killed by them. With Lan he came to me on Genshin so I felt that he would be a great friend to make since he might be desperate to know people as well.
With Lan because I met him as such a terrible point in my life I have become extremely emotionally attached to him. I always think about him, constantly worry how he feels of me, I cannot be happy unless I am talking to him. I need him in my life but I feel there are some things holding us from becoming actual great friends. First I get extreme mood swings when talking to him online. I a lot of times repeatedly ask him if he will abandon me, if he finds me annoying, if I mean nothing to him. Usually he responds with things I want to hear but sometimes he makes claims that I do not mean a lot to him as much as he does to me. When he says the positive things such as reassuring me he won't leave me and that he enjoys my company I feel extreme amount of happiness but he also says stuff such as I do not matter much to him, I have zero impact to his life and that I am whiny. A lot of what he says are contradictions. I have never been diagnosed for autism and I do not want to self diagnose myself with it but a lot of how I act kind of makes me think I do have it especially I cannot understand social cues in the slightest. I do not understand Lan at all if he actually cares for me or not. He seems to care even when I played league of legends on my own he told me to concentrate and try my best which feels like something people would only say if they want an individual to be happy in life. But as well I do not know why he says such things as I have zero impact and I barely mean anything to him. I thought if you are friends with someone you would feel upset with their absence or something.
Another problem is that a lot of what I like he does not seem interested in doing. I wanted to buy matching Genshin vision lockets but he said no, I want to watch a movie with him and he said no. I do not understand why is he not trying any effort in becoming friends. All of my suggestions of us doing things together other than talking or playing Genshin gets thrown out of the window by him. I thought that people do activities together to improve on relationships. He as well does not give any suggestions on things we can do together. I also really enjoy gay art, and asmr. It makes me feel whole when I listen to asmr's like cozy cub and scroll through gay art in pintrest. I feel without those things I cannot function and I will become extremly depressed mostly due to me lacking any type of gay representation in my life as well as the extreme longing for romantic love. I also am writing currently a gay story that I want to publish on wattpad. The problem with all this stuff Lan does not seem the slightest bit interested in conversing with me regarding them. Honestly he does not feel any interest in conversing with me at all he never starts conversations and only responds with broken half sentence responses to everything I say.
A lot of what I am saying so far seems that Lan is an awful person for me individually but I cannot help it I have already gotten extremely attached to him so much that I cannot sleep well unless he tells me goodnight. I don't know if I actually love him but I love saying it to him it makes me happy telling him the words I luv u then dropping an UwU at the end to make myself not seem serious. We had a fight that I want to not have us break apart from. I got insecure about my relationship with him and started saying things such as I bring only burden to Lan and he hates me secretly. He started it off with making fun of my insecurities due to it being a regular occurrence but then he started stating things that proved my point that he hates me. He said: "What loss do you bring to my life? I think you're overestimating your impact on my life." When I asked him if he would be upset if we stopped talking he stated "Idk, tbh I don't get sad about those kinds of things, not after everything that has happened to me." When I asked him why has he stopped talking to me yet he stated: "I thought I would feel guilty, but I don't think I will" then followed it off with "So goodbye, have a nice life, hope you can fix your problem."
He has not left yet he talked to me a bit regarding my points of wanting us to continue being friends and building a friendship but he seemed pessimistic regarding the ordeal. I desperately need him in my life I cannot feel anything without him. I do not want to return to the emptiness and constant suicidal inclinations that I felt before meeting him. What do I do now do I keep him in my life. I am terrified of being alone again that is the last thing I want.
