UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
The first part is an intro that isn't related to the thread I just wanna make an introduction. I am extremely new here so if I do something wrong with my posts or my profile please correct me. I came to this site after watching the Tectarul vid and found his claims and assumptions on this website misleading. When reading the forums of this site it does not seem people support suicide as he said but more like leaving people free to do so. This is prolly the only space were suicide and mental illnesses are not shunned and people speak extremely freely of it which is what I like. Also if my profile and immature or unprofessional for this forum tell me please. Hsr and Genshin have been the only saving grace of my life so far.

-Skip introduction here: So regarding the topic I found this person on Genshin I will refer to him by Lan. So Lan and I met in Genshin. I was extremely lonely beforehand. I never had friends that lasted a good while who did not leave me unexpectedly and as well I cannot connect to my family because if they find anything about me such as that I talk to online people, I have feminine interests and I am gay, I might get killed by them. With Lan he came to me on Genshin so I felt that he would be a great friend to make since he might be desperate to know people as well.

With Lan because I met him as such a terrible point in my life I have become extremely emotionally attached to him. I always think about him, constantly worry how he feels of me, I cannot be happy unless I am talking to him. I need him in my life but I feel there are some things holding us from becoming actual great friends. First I get extreme mood swings when talking to him online. I a lot of times repeatedly ask him if he will abandon me, if he finds me annoying, if I mean nothing to him. Usually he responds with things I want to hear but sometimes he makes claims that I do not mean a lot to him as much as he does to me. When he says the positive things such as reassuring me he won't leave me and that he enjoys my company I feel extreme amount of happiness but he also says stuff such as I do not matter much to him, I have zero impact to his life and that I am whiny. A lot of what he says are contradictions. I have never been diagnosed for autism and I do not want to self diagnose myself with it but a lot of how I act kind of makes me think I do have it especially I cannot understand social cues in the slightest. I do not understand Lan at all if he actually cares for me or not. He seems to care even when I played league of legends on my own he told me to concentrate and try my best which feels like something people would only say if they want an individual to be happy in life. But as well I do not know why he says such things as I have zero impact and I barely mean anything to him. I thought if you are friends with someone you would feel upset with their absence or something.

Another problem is that a lot of what I like he does not seem interested in doing. I wanted to buy matching Genshin vision lockets but he said no, I want to watch a movie with him and he said no. I do not understand why is he not trying any effort in becoming friends. All of my suggestions of us doing things together other than talking or playing Genshin gets thrown out of the window by him. I thought that people do activities together to improve on relationships. He as well does not give any suggestions on things we can do together. I also really enjoy gay art, and asmr. It makes me feel whole when I listen to asmr's like cozy cub and scroll through gay art in pintrest. I feel without those things I cannot function and I will become extremly depressed mostly due to me lacking any type of gay representation in my life as well as the extreme longing for romantic love. I also am writing currently a gay story that I want to publish on wattpad. The problem with all this stuff Lan does not seem the slightest bit interested in conversing with me regarding them. Honestly he does not feel any interest in conversing with me at all he never starts conversations and only responds with broken half sentence responses to everything I say.

A lot of what I am saying so far seems that Lan is an awful person for me individually but I cannot help it I have already gotten extremely attached to him so much that I cannot sleep well unless he tells me goodnight. I don't know if I actually love him but I love saying it to him it makes me happy telling him the words I luv u then dropping an UwU at the end to make myself not seem serious. We had a fight that I want to not have us break apart from. I got insecure about my relationship with him and started saying things such as I bring only burden to Lan and he hates me secretly. He started it off with making fun of my insecurities due to it being a regular occurrence but then he started stating things that proved my point that he hates me. He said: "What loss do you bring to my life? I think you're overestimating your impact on my life." When I asked him if he would be upset if we stopped talking he stated "
Idk, tbh I don't get sad about those kinds of things, not after everything that has happened to me." When I asked him why has he stopped talking to me yet he stated: "I thought I would feel guilty, but I don't think I will" then followed it off with "So goodbye, have a nice life, hope you can fix your problem."

He has not left yet he talked to me a bit regarding my points of wanting us to continue being friends and building a friendship but he seemed pessimistic regarding the ordeal. I desperately need him in my life I cannot feel anything without him. I do not want to return to the emptiness and constant suicidal inclinations that I felt before meeting him. What do I do now do I keep him in my life. I am terrified of being alone again that is the last thing I want.
 
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Eternal Eyes

Eternal Eyes

Student
Dec 3, 2023
120
I know how you feel, all I can suggest is to try remain calm and composed when speaking to him again (hard sometimes I know). Maybe spend a few days not messaging or contacting him. Or try to ignore what's happened recently/before and reference positive moments. I know this advice sounds corny, but I find "just move on/get a hobby/therapy" absolutely does not work for this kind of thing. When you put so much emotion into someone, abruptly losing them is torture.

Honestly I have a favorite person as well, it's been about three days since I heard from them and I chronically miss them like fuck. Days (and life) without them feels like a meaningless purgatory.
 
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UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
I know how you feel, all I can suggest is to try remain calm and composed when speaking to him again (hard sometimes I know). Maybe spend a few days not messaging or contacting him. Or try to ignore what's happened recently/before and reference positive moments. I know this advice sounds corny, but I find "just move on/get a hobby/therapy" absolutely does not work for this kind of thing. When you put so much emotion into someone, abruptly losing them is torture.

Honestly I have a favorite person as well, it's been about three days since I heard from them and I chronically miss them like fuck. Days (and life) without them feels like a meaningless purgatory.
I hate people who tell me to find hobbies and practices to get me off things. They can help when you fully understand someone's condition but this fight happened during my finals when I would barely sleep and only get like 10 minutes of free time a day. I do want to go to therapy but I cannot. I have no money I just graduated high school and cannot work during this next while due to me needing to prepare to leave for uni and as well my parents arranged a trip during the summer that will cause me to not be able to find a job. Also therapy must happen to me after I leave from my home because if I do get a therapist I will must surely talk about my sexuality and if my family gets wind of that I will not be able to continue on with life and I would rather die with my own hands than through my parents.

I will try to talk to him normally from now on but I am afraid he leaves me. I said some fkd up stuff to him and I am afraid my company is hurting him mentally even if he will not admit it. Having a person constantly throw all your insecurities and downfalls on you does not sound healthy for him at all. I just want him to view me as something worthy to laugh with and be friends with irl if we ever meet which does not seem plausible given his shut in personality.

Thanks for responding to me I really need as much advice as possible when dealing with people. I am social but I have trouble with social awareness and I need someone to constantly express to me how they feel exactly to understand their thought process.
 
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meoka<3

meoka<3

Passionately misguided
Jun 20, 2024
17
I too have a favorite person, so I understand how it feels to have all your thoughts and feelings constantly center on someone. May I ask, how long have you known/communicated with them? While your relationship with them is very important to you, to Lan it may seem like too much too soon. Having an online friend lay all this on him may have felt overwhelming, especially if he thought this was just a casual relationship. I agree with Eternal Eyes, try to stay calm and composed next time you speak with them. Perhaps Lan just needs a break and will try to talk with you later. I wish you luck ❤️
 
UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
I too have a favorite person, so I understand how it feels to have all your thoughts and feelings constantly center on someone. May I ask, how long have you known/communicated with them? While your relationship with them is very important to you, to Lan it may seem like too much too soon. Having an online friend lay all this on him may have felt overwhelming, especially if he thought this was just a casual relationship. I agree with Eternal Eyes, try to stay calm and composed next time you speak with them. Perhaps Lan just needs a break and will try to talk with you later. I wish you luck ❤️
I think its been 2 months now. This might be too soon. He knows so much of me yet I know nothing of him or barely. The idea of a break might seem healthy for both of us. So I will definitely use it. Hopefully he does not forget me tho I am afraid of that. And as well hopefully I can find something that can keep me thinking deeply of something else while he is gone of my life. How long should the break be though? I wanted a break from him one time when a similar issue happened but I had a panic attack by the end of the day but that could also be due to my father being present so it was a terrible mix of circumstances. Hopefully my writing or the elden ring dlc can keep my mind off him and everything else that is causing me so much pain.
 
Eternal Eyes

Eternal Eyes

Student
Dec 3, 2023
120
I think its been 2 months now. This might be too soon. He knows so much of me yet I know nothing of him or barely. The idea of a break might seem healthy for both of us. So I will definitely use it. Hopefully he does not forget me tho I am afraid of that. And as well hopefully I can find something that can keep me thinking deeply of something else while he is gone of my life. How long should the break be though? I wanted a break from him one time when a similar issue happened but I had a panic attack by the end of the day but that could also be due to my father being present so it was a terrible mix of circumstances. Hopefully my writing or the elden ring dlc can keep my mind off him and everything else that is causing me so much pain.

Earlier this year I recontacted an old friend of mine after four years, they were my favorite person and I was very much attached to them. I spent years feeling bad about how our relationship and how it ended, but surprisingly, they welcomed me back with open arms. They hadn't forgotten me. Maybe a week or so break would work? Btw I can relate a lot to this (mine was an LDR and I wanted to meet but we never managed to do it due to covid restrictions :( )

I wish you luck anyway, I hope it all goes ok for you.
 
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UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
Earlier this year I recontacted an old friend of mine after four years, they were my favorite person and I was very much attached to them. I spent years feeling bad about how our relationship and how it ended, but surprisingly, they welcomed me back with open arms. They hadn't forgotten me. Maybe a week or so break would work? Btw I can relate a lot to this (mine was an LDR and I wanted to meet but we never managed to do it due to covid restrictions :( )

I wish you luck anyway, I hope it all goes ok for you.
Ok I will tell him tonight of a break between us. This may sound selfish to say but is it wrong for me to want him to miss me during the break? I just wish Lan could see me at least to a very small degree on how I see him even though I told him that I do not see him as a friend I just am emotionally attached to him and barely tolerate him. I hope he realizes that was not true and I said it in a terrible mental state.

Do people here care for updates on matters like if I post what happened after the break would anyone respond/read it?
 
Eternal Eyes

Eternal Eyes

Student
Dec 3, 2023
120
Ok I will tell him tonight of a break between us. This may sound selfish to say but is it wrong for me to want him to miss me during the break?

Do people here care for updates on matters like if I post what happened after the break would anyone respond/read it?

I guess it shows you care for him very deeply and that you still want a relationship.

And yeah, most people here are cool when it comes to vent/diary style threads, and lots get updated/edited.
 
UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
He is either ignoring me or is busy so that is why he did not go online on anything today. Either way I sent him the message of telling us to take a break and I do actually value him but just said that I only tolerate him due to the heat of my terrible moments. Hoping things get well.
 
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meoka<3

meoka<3

Passionately misguided
Jun 20, 2024
17
He is either ignoring me or is busy so that is why he did not go online on anything today. Either way I sent him the message of telling us to take a break and I do actually value him but just said that I only tolerate him due to the heat of my terrible moments. Hoping things get well.
Wishing you best of luck 🤞
 
UnnervedCompany

UnnervedCompany

Member
Jun 21, 2024
49
Ok so like nothing really happened and we just chilled together. He welcomed me back and it was fine. Also weirdly another online friend who ghosted me for 4 months randomly texted me. Apparently she was depressed and had stuff to deal with so yeah.
 
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