Venting I have a bad relationship with death/suicide

[Foresight]

I often see death as sad and scary. I've always had a bad relationship with it. I've always been very mournful. I've grieved for strangers far too many times.

I've fought to try at this life for a long time. I've had suicidal ideation since 2013, been on and off of ss for almost 6 years, and I've really tried at this bullshit. Because of all the effort I see my personal suicide as losing in some way. I've programmed myself that way. It wasn't like that at one point. I saw my suicide as a merciful and justified release. I want to get back to that thinking. That's how I view it in general. An honest and merciful release, it's not a game.

I have to just let go. I'm so tired. I can't even define my tiredness. No wins I get in life matter. My soul is tired. I just want to change my view of death and see it as sweet release and not a loss. I also have small religious fears even if god doesn't exist. A merciful god should forgive me though after the hell I've been through. I hate more than my personal life too. I hate this existence in general. I hate the games, the way we devour other scared sentient beings, the way we treat each other. I hate how dark and aggressive sexuality is, I hate how dark and draining romance is, I hate loneliness but I also hate company. I hate being touched and needing food. I hate how loud life is but I also hate silence. I am fucked. I am ready to restart my descent so that I can go in the right mindframe. A decade of this mindfuckery of suicide and clinging to life leaves you in a strange place mentally.

 

[its-about-time]

We are in very similar mindsets all around.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What's your plan to get there? Is it happening on it's own? Are you just waiting for an epiphany moment? Is your plan just to post your thoughts and hope that convinces you to let go? Do you just need to fucked over more to reach that point? Are you trying to coax others into telling you that it's just time to give up, so why don't you just go already? Where do we go from here? Obviously, there's something holding you back since you've been on SS for quite some time. Hope? Yeah. That can do it. Maybe you have a lot of it? Might be enough to last you an entire lifetime. Maybe you need to admit that it's possible that you will just go through the rest of your life feeling exactly the way you do now, even all the way to a ripe old age, and just die naturally when it's meant to be.

 

[itsallover]

I can understand where you are coming from. I went from a successful career to almost being a full-time hermit except for the times that I have to go out and as my health has already been screwed because of medical negligence six years ago and me letting myself go I feel like I am in another world. I take walks sometimes and at times I look around and just think to myself where the hell am I and what the hell am I doing. Life is all about making and achieving goals which I did with finishing college, getting job promotions, getting engaged, having important social and business events, and now its just doctors appointment and treatments. I am extremely tired even from the mere fact of how uncomfortable and in how much pain I am as well as knowing what symptoms will hit and when throughout the day.

 

[Foresight]

What's your plan to get there? Is it happening on it's own? Are you just waiting for an epiphany moment? Is your plan just to post your thoughts and hope that convinces you to let go? Do you just need to fucked over more to reach that point? Are you trying to coax others into telling you that it's just time to give up, so why don't you just go already? Where do we go from here? Obviously, there's something holding you back since you've been on SS for quite some time. Hope? Yeah. That can do it. Maybe you have a lot of it? Might be enough to last you an entire lifetime. Maybe you need to admit that it's possible that you will just go through the rest of your life feeling exactly the way you do now, even all the way to a ripe old age, and just die naturally when it's meant to be.

I don't feel an epiphany will hit me and I know suicide is something you need to actively do. I've been through the detachment process in the past. It was nice. It involved an acceptance of my choice. I was ready to go. It was a mental process and it left me at peace with it. I want to reach that again. That's the descent back down from trying to climb back to life. I just got sn. I need to gather additional supplies if sn is the way I go. I'm honestly waiting on N to come back. I didn't have the money for N until this year and then it was out.

I came to ss in 2016 with no money to learn about partial hanging. SN was not a thing then. There's an explanation for my longevity of my time. I have problems mentally and physically that exceed the explanation though and it took a few years to realize that. I fear sn because I'm a sensitive snowflake and I want the gold standard peaceful method. Fingers crossed for that. I find there is an active mental release that I have done and would like to do again as I wait. I should have bought it in january but I didn't because my spouse asked me not to. That was a mistake.

I post to share when I'm lost in thought and to hear others thoughts as well. Good luck on your journey.

 

[piger]

I hold the same fears as you. I accepted my death as it was inevitable, death has surrounded me for most of my whole life and each thought after the next has desensitized my sadness towards it. But I can't shake being afraid of it no matter how much I try to embrace it because I'm unsure of what's gonna happen to me; which is probably why I'm so lazy about my preparations even though I know that it's never going to get better. I trust however that the big man upstairs will forgive me for giving into my tendencies, and He will forgive you as well.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it is quite normal to be scared of death as this existence is all that we know after all and it can be hard to let go of this life. I am also tired and I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I hate existence as well and that is why I could never want to live, the thing that I have a problem with is life itself. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I want to reach that again. That's the descent back down from trying to climb back to life.

Maybe I'm reading more into your words than are there, but, to me, this sounds like you are STILL at that better place in your life, and want to purposely bring yourself back down to the place of despair, hopelessness, and sorrow. I may have that completely wrong and if so, I apologize for that. I wish you luck to in whatever you want to do.

 

[Foresight]

Maybe I'm reading more into your words than are there, but, to me, this sounds like you are STILL at that better place in your life, and want to purposely bring yourself back down to the place of despair, hopelessness, and sorrow. I may have that completely wrong and if so, I apologize for that. I wish you luck to in whatever you want to do.

My quality of life is abysmal. I often have a false sense of safety and contentment because I stay locked inside my house. When I'm out it is devastating. I get relentlessly harassed, no exaggeration, for my facial disfigurement. I have severe ptsd now and my mind is deteriorating. I have never learned to stand tall against the treatment. I tried. I just ending up unwell and scurried off into a life completely inside. It is what it is. Like I said I tried, but there's a reason I keep ending up back here and I need to get real with that eventually.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My quality of life is abysmal. I often have a false sense of safety and contentment because I stay locked inside my house. When I'm out it is devastating. I get relentlessly harassed, no exaggeration, for my facial disfigurement. I have severe ptsd now and my mind is deteriorating. I have never learned to stand tall against the treatment. I tried. I just ending up unwell and scurried off into a life completely inside. It is what it is. Like I said I tried, but there's a reason I keep ending up back here and I need to get real with that eventually.

It's just not possible for you to ignore the assholes in this world?

 

[Foresight]

It's just not possible for you to ignore the assholes in this world?

No. I can't really explain well the experience to anyone who has never gone through it. It upsets something primal. It makes you feel constantly at risk of attack with all eyes on me in stores, outdoor settings, etc. It makes you feel less than human and utterly unwelcome. If it was any other time period I'd surely be stoned or burned at the stake or something. After so many years you do feel like something that's better gone than to constantly be disturbing others. It's really deep in the psyche. It's just abysmal quality of life is how I can sum it up.

But yea, I persisted for a multitude of reasons. I do feel safe and mostly content inside but life pushes you out. I never see doctors anymore, I get everything delivered, etc. I'm truly better off dead and I want to get back to that reality.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That just sounds so horrible an existence for you. I'm beyond sorry that you, that anyone, are forced to live their life that way. No one should ever be put into a position where they, basically, have no choice but to remove themselves from society. No one deserves to be treated this way. This has to be one of the most unfathomable concepts that I've ever had to contemplate in my mind.