I hate this lifestyle, I want to escape

[Dominik Santorski]

Hello, Dominik Here Its my first time in this forum and I don't speak english as native lenguage, so Im sorry if theres something that doesent make sense in this text.

In 2019 I suffered cyberbullying, my social media account was deleted, it was my only safe place for being happy and felt loved and important, without that I felt that I lost everything. Near those days, I had my first anxiety attack and it was the worst feeling ever.
I"ll be brief (?), nowadays Im really afraid of everything, specially my sister, everything related to her is scary, because I Just realize in my therapys that she has contribuited in my actual personality, who is so shy, afraid, scared, without self trust and submissive. Im extremely submissive and now Im realizing im like this because in childish and puberty she treated me horrible, she beated me with a control one day, insulted me and she was really mean with me.
In this moment I Just want to cry, and escape of my House.
I want to be in a mental hospital or something, cause I think it Will be better and more "calmed" that my own house. I Just want a place to be in peace, with a lot of free time for myself and for writting my novel. I also have tried to cutt my arms or legs, but Im afraid. I ended up hurting myself with a needle, Just making Little dots in my arms, and writting words in my body with a permanent marker.
My plan is Just finish my novel, drawing my comic and then just end with this life if I Dont have something better, but I Dont know if I can resist until then, I Just want all this worry, sorrow and fear to stop.
I"ll try to be strong, I have to calm down.

(I Will write more about my sis in a new tread, is something very long and complicated, but I want to write about it)

 

[raindrop]

Hello Dominik,
at first, sorry that you are at this point in your life. You sound like a genuine nice and sensitive person, and I can relate to the feeling of being caught in a world that is too loud, too manipulative, too ignorant, which leads to the result of being to tired to stand that everyday fight.
As you said you have recognized that there is something your sister does that made you shy and anxious. And you want to escape from her.
Is there any possibility to move out for you?
Depending on the country you're living in going to a mental hospital could be a good idea, but try to be cautious when it comes to talking about suicide or self harm, it can be traumatic to be involuntary locked in.
I sometimes just create places in my mind as vanishing points when people in the real world are hurting me.
Whatever will happen, have a hug from someone who's English is far worse than yours

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm certainly sorry to hear you are having to deal with this. Maybe you could move away b/ out from your sister ? Like raindrop mentioned..

In any case.. I wish you the best and hope it all works out for the better. Sure,. Go ahead and write more about your sister. I imagine it would be a great release for you in whatever way. Be safe.

 

[Dominik Santorski]

Hello Dominik,
at first, sorry that you are at this point in your life. You sound like a genuine nice and sensitive person, and I can relate to the feeling of being caught in a world that is too loud, too manipulative, too ignorant, which leads to the result of being to tired to stand that everyday fight.
As you said you have recognized that there is something your sister does that made you shy and anxious. And you want to escape from her.
Is there any possibility to move out for you?
Depending on the country you're living in going to a mental hospital could be a good idea, but try to be cautious when it comes to talking about suicide or self harm, it can be traumatic to be involuntary locked in.
I sometimes just create places in my mind as vanishing points when people in the real world are hurting me.
Whatever will happen, have a hug from someone who's English is far worse than yours

Thank you, raindrop, for Your answer. I felt really relief when i read your answer. Is the first time someone says to me if theres a posibility to move, the first time someone reads what I need to say and doesent react saying Im weak, selfish or saying that Im playing the victim. Really, thank you
Im from México, is a poor country in comparison with others, but Im looking something for a better mental health. Unfortunately, theres no chance for me to move, I dont have enough money, but I"ll keep looking for a solution, I have hope.
Thanks for the advice, I Just tend to hurt myself just in extreme situations, but every time I do it less.
When people in the real world hurts me, I start remembering and recreating those painful moments in my mind many times, I only had a tiny place on the internet for feeling better, but it was removed.
Anyway... I think I've found a nice place again

(Your english is really good, I thought you were native )

 

[InterstateFlowers]

Hi Dominik, welcome to S.S! It's a really nice and accepting community here so I hope for the best of both of us. I'm sorry for how horribly you sister treated you, it's unfair how terrible this abuse sticks to us. I'm curious but what's your novel about?

 

[Dominik Santorski]

Hi Dominik, welcome to S.S! It's a really nice and accepting community here so I hope for the best of both of us. I'm sorry for how horribly you sister treated you, it's unfair how terrible this abuse sticks to us. I'm curious but what's your novel about?

Thank you this is a really conforting comunity, Im happy of being here.
My novel is about a boy who runs away from home because being with his family is an ordeal and is basically his hard life on the street, it is in spanish

 

[watsonsmith]

Hi Dominik,

Welcome to SS. You will find it a place with a lot of empathy and understanding I'm sure.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I was also abused by my older sister. We did make peace eventually and I have forgiven her. She had a tough childhood pretty much raising me in light of our absent mother. But it did leave deep scars in my psyche and is one of the underlying causes of my personality disorder. So I can empathise with you fully. I think what can hurt the most is that you are gaslighted into being one who "plays the victim" when in reality you are indeed a victim of abuse. Not only you have to suffer the pain and abuse, but are also blamed for it when reacting as any sane person would – being hurt and in pain.

It's great that you are writing a novel, it sounds interesting, I would love to give it a read when it's finished... also to polish my Spanish skills :) Mexico is lovely, Oaxaca remains one of the most amazing places I have ever visited.

As for escaping your situation – a psych ward is definitely a place to log out from reality and catch a breath. However, it can be a mixed blessing, some of my experiences (and others' on here) were rather horrible. You are confined, forced to take medication that can make you even worse and overall it can feel like a prison. On the flip side, you can meet people with similar issues as you, find some understanding and the drugs may provide some relief. At the end of the day, it is only temporary.

I don't know how old you are and your prospects, but perhaps it would be good to consider working on finding a job and moving away?

 

[Ghost2211]

Hi Dominik, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry to hear life has been so hard on you. I hope you're able to find what you need in the community.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I can relate to your childhood experiences Dominik, and I'm so sorry you are still suffering because of your sister's abuse. I too would be interested in reading your book - good luck with your writing.