Venting i hate the thought of hurting anyone i love

[citadelofme]

i cant stand being alive, everything feels like its meant to hurt me. every day feels torturous. yet i cant bring myself to die. my boyfriend is the most amazing person on earth. while everything else on earth is made to hurt me, he is the one thing that makes me happy. i cant stand the thought of him missing me after im dead, i cant stand the thought of him crying or being sad while im unable to help him. im scared that theres an afterlife and i'll have to watch over him and watch him cry, i dont want that. i cant believe that he even likes me even though i am a shitty person at heart, i am deeply unlikable and yet he still likes me. part of me wishes i could make him hate me just so he doesnt feel any pain after i die. i dont want to cause pain to anyone else.