I hate the term "victim mentality"

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I have this life coach friend and ever now and then he'd throw around the phrase "victim mentality" when I would be feeling suicidal or saying "I want to die". Maybe in some way I do live my life as a victim. But....I have been through some of the worst abuse imaginable. And often times I feel like I tried to avail. That doesn't mean im trying to be a "victim". I am just in pain. And sometimes think suicide really is the answer to my pain and trauma

 

[SoIntoYou]

People who use that phrase are usually in a happier place and have that luxury of looking down on you. Another example I've come across has to do with racism. I've heard white people complain that black people just have the "victim mentality". No sir, there's so much more to it than that, but thanks for your terrible attempt at helping me.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

People who use that phrase are usually in a happier place and have that luxury of looking down on you. Another example I've come across has to do with racism. I've heard white people complain that black people just have the "victim mentality". No sir, there's so much more to it than that, but thanks for your terrible attempt at helping me.

As a black person, I get it.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I hate that phrase too. It reeks of value judgments and superiority.

Then there's the concept of learned helplessness...

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

life coach

This 'profession' has always struck me as being some sort of scam. Like, there are no set of standardized qualifications for a life coach. Literally anyone can say, "I'm a life coach, durrr." It's like an Instagram 'influencer' whose claim to prominence is that they 'spread positivity'. [insert barf emoji]

ever now and then he'd throw around the phrase "victim mentality" when I would be feeling suicidal or saying "I want to die". Maybe in some way I do live my life as a victim. But....I have been through some of the worst abuse imaginable. And often times I feel like I tried to avail. That doesn't mean im trying to be a "victim". I am just in pain. And sometimes think suicide really is the answer to my pain and trauma

I'm sorry he's so invalidating.

'Victim mentality' is just another flavor of that tired fucking platitude 'stop feeling sorry for yourself'. It's truly puzzling how people who employ the use of these concepts really just show themselves to be devoid of empathy.

Surviving abuse and living with the resultant trauma and pain that causes a person to feel like they want to die to end that suffering is something that should be acknowledged and listened to with compassion, especially by a so-called 'life coach'.

It's a well-established scientific fact that trauma alters the brain, so dismissing such a thing as 'victim mentality' shows little grasp of what guides human behavior. How can a person be a 'life coach' if they lack this understanding? Jesus.

 

[HeavyOne]

I hate word victim, too. And there's a reason behind it, quite common, I suppose. I've been called victim by people who abused me (I was a child, playing on a tiny inflatable pool at my grandmother's garden. My aunt yelled at me to get out and I asked for 5 minutes more. She hold my arm, hitting me to the ground. I was all covered my grevel, pine needles and topsoil. Shocked, I cried. My aunt - who's a teacher, for the record- told me "Don't play the victim! Don't cry crocodile's tears!" - I don't know if in English has any sense, in Italian means your crying after something bad you did-).
This is what a ubusers do. They enforce that guilty feeling in abused one, as being hit, being humiliated was something I deserved, was something I was liable for...probably, from their pov, a lesson to be grateful for.
Truth is...we are victims, from a legal perspective. Probably, years over years have constrained me to think victim as a synonym of weakness...but is not!
Look at you!!! You are showing up everyday, you learnt by yourself how to express feelings, you mastered how to fight since childhood, you are able to look at your pain, you experienced very bad situations and still hold a good heart! Look at you! You are strong and defenitely a bada**!!!

As a life coach, your friend shold be able to choose words more accurately and should be able to recognise how words affect someone's feeling.

Hugging you!

 

[agentgeez]

I think, as said above, people who use that phrase have the luxury of not going through the same suffering in the same way. But I also don't understand it's usage in general. Even if you think of yourself as a victim, how does that affect your ability or desire to be happy? You can 'feel sorry for yourself' and still want to make things better; I'd even say that people try to change things because of the very fact that they 'feel sorry for themselves' and think they deserve more. I don't think 'feeling sorry for yourself' has anything to do with it; no one wants to wait for others to save them if they have the ability to do so themselves. Everybody wants to be happy and would do what it takes to be happy if they could, since ultimately no decision is made with the intent to feel unhappy. It's just that people who have been broken down by suffering find themselves unable to fix it, if their problem is something fixable to begin with.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I hate word victim, too. And there's a reason behind it, quite common, I suppose. I've been called victim by people who abused me (I was a child, playing on a tiny inflatable pool at my grandmother's garden. My aunt yelled at me to get out and I asked for 5 minutes more. She hold my arm, hitting me to the ground. I was all covered my grevel, pine needles and topsoil. Shocked, I cried. My aunt - who's a teacher, for the record- told me "Don't play the victim! Don't cry crocodile's tears!" - I don't know if in English has any sense, in Italian means your crying after something bad you did-).
This is what a ubusers do. They enforce that guilty feeling in abused one, as being hit, being humiliated was something I deserved, was something I was liable for...probably, from their pov, a lesson to be grateful for.
Truth is...we are victims, from a legal perspective. Probably, years over years have constrained me to think victim as a synonym of weakness...but is not!
Look at you!!! You are showing up everyday, you learnt by yourself how to express feelings, you mastered how to fight since childhood, you are able to look at your pain, you experienced very bad situations and still hold a good heart! Look at you! You are strong and defenitely a bada**!!!

As a life coach, your friend shold be able to choose words more accurately and should be able to recognise how words affect someone's feeling.

Hugging you!

thanks :)

Heres the thing about him. I know he means well but I dont agree with his delivery. I am not comfortable telling him how I feel about it though. However it has a dent on my trust in our friendship by not saying anything so I am in a rough spot.

 

[Mr2005]

We're making the same judgements about them as they are about you. I've said it myself. Playing the victim is something some people definitely do it doesn't mean they're right that it's you. If anyone's to blame it's those doing it since it makes it harder to know who's serious

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your 'life coach' friend, and it seems like he is invalidating your suffering and claims, which is unacceptable.

People who use that phrase are usually in a happier place and have that luxury of looking down on you. Another example I've come across has to do with racism. I've heard white people complain that black people just have the "victim mentality". No sir, there's so much more to it than that, but thanks for your terrible attempt at helping me.

I agree with you that it's really just a way for pro-lifers to look down and feel morally superior to those who are suffering or worse off than them.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I don't understand why "victim mentality" is used negatively. In some circumstances it can be valid. For example: If someone is raped we would say that person is the victim of rape, because they are not the one at fault. They experienced a viscious attack that's not justified at all; therefore they are the victim, and the rapist is totally in the wrong. We wouldn't say to the victim: "Oh don't start acting like a victim! Stop blaming other people for your problems!" or something along those lines. It can also work the other way, too, however - such as when a bully that's been punished acts like they are the victim when they're not.

There's many different reasons why every individual wants to end their lives. In your case you mentioned abuse, so you definately are a victim of that. You are also the victim of pain caused by the abuse that you suffered from.