NightmareTour
Specialist
- May 13, 2020
- 398
This past year has just ruined every last thing that anyone could describe as good about me. I don't have the same depth of emotion that I used to, I don't really care about or feel anything. Even loss doesn't really mean much to me anymore. I feel like a stripped down husk of who I used to be. I don't think I even fully remember who I was before. I hate that I talk about myself on here too much because this is the only place where anything listens, but I guess I don't really feel that either, I just know I shouldn't be doing it. I'm always aware of how much I use "I" and how it's far too much. I absolutely hate this completely empty, ruined person I've become, if you can even call me a person anymore.
Every "emotion" I have just seems like an approximation of what I think I'm meant to be feeling, and I'm pretty sure everyone sees it. I pretend to enjoy things so that people who make an effort aren't disappointed. I know when something is bad and I respond like I think I'm meant to, but I don't really feel it. I care, but I don't know where it comes from because I don't actually feel anything about anything. I know I used to feel things in full depth, care deeply, even to the point of putting everyone else before myself. It just seems like I've been worn away until there's nothing left of me that makes me human. Sometimes the emotion breaks through for a second, but then it's just gone again. How am I meant to live like this, subjecting everyone around me to it?
Every "emotion" I have just seems like an approximation of what I think I'm meant to be feeling, and I'm pretty sure everyone sees it. I pretend to enjoy things so that people who make an effort aren't disappointed. I know when something is bad and I respond like I think I'm meant to, but I don't really feel it. I care, but I don't know where it comes from because I don't actually feel anything about anything. I know I used to feel things in full depth, care deeply, even to the point of putting everyone else before myself. It just seems like I've been worn away until there's nothing left of me that makes me human. Sometimes the emotion breaks through for a second, but then it's just gone again. How am I meant to live like this, subjecting everyone around me to it?