Venting I hate the lil voices of frustration at others happiness

[ProfessionalFailure]

Im far too reserved and concerned over the people I care about to ever come close to vocalizing any of this, and im pretty sure my intense happiness over getting to see the people I care about be genuinely happy and have such a future to look forward to is one of the only reasons im holding on at all, but I hate that theres hints of frustration over knowing I wont have that

Ideally someone should know theyre justified in wanting to be happy, but those thoughts fundamentally make me feel sick, maybe its because it makes me anxious thinking those thoughts originate from some subconscious want to steal their happiness because as far as im concerned thats something a bad person would want and I clearly have to be a bad person or maybe its just an attempt to convince myself further that I cant work towards being happy so that I can keep being lazy regardless of the consequences it has on my life

I truly dont know, but I just wish at times I had the strength to just cut myself off from the potiental window to have those thoughts, that maybe if I just cut off all my ties to the people I care about proactively ahead of time id get more relief knowing I wouldnt have any way to worry over others happiness and my reactions to it, but people are the only source of joy I can find consistently in this endless cycle of wearing myself down until theres nothing left

 

[Trans Magus]

It's awful, isn't it? Happiness is so unevenly distributed with pretty much no regard to how good of a person you are. I try to be nice and help people but I'm still absolutely miserable. Yet we see all these rich assholes making the world a worse place while living wonderful lives. It's disgusting.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I like it, happiness lowers their guard.
I used to get homicidal ideation from jealousy of various sorts, but now I don't care anymore about others doing well. Still get low-key furious when parents are happy for some reason, lol.

Btw, lil voices is a great rap name for someone psychotic or something.

 

[ProfessionalFailure]

Its just so unfair, thats why I cling to wanting to help the people I care about and wanting them to be happy I suppose because i know theyre in such an unfair world that every scrap of happiness they get should be theirs and that they deserve so much more

But at the same time I cant shake the feeling that there has to be some part of me that wants it for myself for purely selfish reasons that make me feel terrible even though I think my inability to let them try to help me comes from either, my anxiety that I cant be helped and will only get them hurt in them trying to help, that deep down I know they might take away my excuse to be not work on myself and be lazy. or because its something thats on my shoulders to fix that I have no right to burden them with

The world we're stuck in exacerbates that, because I know how horrible it seems from my perspective, so thinking that theyre stuck in it too just makes me feel so beholden to trying to make sure they get just a little bit of the goodness they should have and any glipse that they do goes so far, but that part of me that feels like im just leeching off that just cant be shaken and it makes the entire process feel like im just a gross parasite