Venting I hate the cycle

[banger12]

I hate what life has been like for the past year. Especially the past few months. The injury (allegedly only "minor" or "mild" at first according to the ER doc) ruined me and after the second one in May I am in a constant cycle of fearing reinjury and it's paralyzing.

Not only does constantly dealing with that anxiety and fear feel draining but it prevents me from doing a lot of basic shit and tying up some loose ends I need to tie before I kill myself.

I'm needing to script these vlogs that I'm going to place on a scheduled upload to release after my death to explain everything to loved ones. I haven't recorded them. I haven't even scripted them. I've been meaning to for months but as basic as it is I haven't gotten even that much done. It all gets in the way.

Panic attacks from false alarm reinjury has destroyed me. And when I don't think I've reinjured I'm constantly afraid and having to manage the fear to avoid a panic attack. I hate this. Let alone the fact that I have lingering symptoms and complications from the actual injuries. I hate life.

This is all there is in life anymore. Even while I'm back at work I hate it and feel stuck. It's unfixable.

 

[xa012]

How are you planning to ctb?

 

[banger12]

How are you planning to ctb?

Probably firearm.

Although tbh it might be somewhat difficult to get. But assuming I can, definitely firearm.