Venting I hate that my illness can always come back

[madeincruddy]

No matter how many steps I take towards recovery, illness (mental or physical) can always just decide to take everything away from me again.

I had a good maybe 9 months where I was making so much progress, but all it took for me to spiral and lose everything was a random depressive episode. I can't even begin to describe how it felt. I'm starting to recover again, but knowing this can just happen again makes me just want to give up. Both of my therapists suspected I have bipolar II. Still, no diagnosis, so it's not 100% certain. I just hate that. How am I supposed to live knowing I can lose everything again because my brain is actively working against me? I have no idea how to cope when depressive episodes set in, not to mention it's compounded by everything else I have. Sometimes I wish things never got better so I wouldn't feel this weird sense of loss/grief when it gets bad again.

I also have PMS and an extremely painful period. The entire week before my period, no matter how good I'm doing, I'm depressed to the point of suicidal ideation. Plus, all the hormones fuck me up. I'm hungry, irritable, bloated, breaking out, which means dysmorphia for the next two or so weeks. And when my period finally comes around, it's the worst. I can't sit up, stand, walk, eat, speak, or even breathe without strain. If I do walk, I have to regularly take a minute to curl up on the floor before I can start moving again. The last time my period came around, all I did for the first day was writhe in bed and wail so loudly my whole family could hear. I'm lucky enough that my bleeding is regular and pain typically only lasts 1-2 days before it becomes bearable, but even then, it's every month. I'm hoping to get on birth control soon, but I don't have an income of my own right now and my parents don't want me to take BC.

On top of everything, I've got a whole laundry list of random autoimmune disorders that just keep coming. Not in a flare-up right now, but just knowing I can have one literally any day now is annoying. My physical illnesses got worse when I was in an anorexia relapse/recovery cycle, which is my fault.

It's just annoying, and definitely a major contributing factor to my suicidal ideation. I'm hoping it'll be easier to deal with as I get older and can understand my mind/body better but as of right now I'm completely lost on how to cope.

 

[whywere]

I have 24/7 chronic pain that is terrible each and every second, so I have at least some ideas of the headaches and heartaches that you have to endure.

BUT you are a kind person, and we ALL pull together here, as that is one of the strong points of this site and you are never alone.

Yep, there are days where I wonder how I am going to get out of bed, BUT then, I start thinking of a beautiful sun rise and a sun set and all the wonderful spirits on here and I get a boast of wellbeing and a smile on my face.

Not ever being nosey, but I cannot understand why your parents would not want to help you, as far as getting birth control medication if it would help with your pain and help with your quality of life, it does not make any sense to me at all, there in again, not nosey, just cannot imagine why.

Last night i got a HUGE migraine headache for the 1st time in over 20 years and it was hellish at best. I have meds for it which helped and there in again if b.c. meds or any med helps you, why not.

Well wishes to you, the knowledge that you are never alone and smiles and love to you.

Walter

 

[madeincruddy]

BUT you are a kind person, and we ALL pull together here, as that is one of the strong points of this site and you are never alone.

Yep, there are days where I wonder how I am going to get out of bed, BUT then, I start thinking of a beautiful sun rise and a sun set and all the wonderful spirits on here and I get a boast of wellbeing and a smile on my face.

That's very beautiful, thank you. I think it's hard for me to appreciate the little things right now, as much good as it can do.

Not ever being nosey, but I cannot understand why your parents would not want to help you, as far as getting birth control medication if it would help with your pain and help with your quality of life, it does not make any sense to me at all, there in again, not nosey, just cannot imagine why.

My mom is an immigrant, and she grew up in a country with different health care. Her and her sisters had similar issues with their periods, but they learned that they had to just 'deal with it' since they didn't have any other choice. She believes I can endure the pain, too. Knowing where they're coming from, it makes a little more sense, but I still struggle to accept it, since I know this pain could be helped.

I am glad to know you have medication, though. Migraines are the absolute worst.

Well wishes to you, the knowledge that you are never alone and smiles and love to you.

Walter

Thank you very much for your message! You seem very kind, I appreciate it very much. All the same to you.