trytrytryagain
Member
- Nov 30, 2023
- 26
TW: mention of SA and trauma
I'm 21 and I already feel so hopeless for my future being happy with someone.
I guess it wasn't a problem when I was a younger adult because I was just starting university, so it didn't matter if I couldn't find someone then. But now people I know are graduating and leaving, being happy to start new careers with their degrees, new lives with their partners. I'm staying to pursue more education for the profession I want to get into, but at the same university, so I feel so stuck and dreading loneliness.
I also feel so incredibly ugly all the fucking time too. I've never been conventionally attractive. I barely get any matches on dating apps now, I've been using dating apps mostly for hook ups or just meeting people for 3 years, but god fuck I wish I could actually connect with someone. A friend of mine downloaded one of them for the first time and found a girlfriend within 2 months. I should be happy for him. His girlfriend is incredibly sweet and isn't jealous of me for hanging out with him, I actually love hanging out the three of us but like fuck man... I wish I also had someone.
Only been in 2 relationships really, both which were really, really brief, and obviously ended when I started showing more emotional sides of myself, such as meltdowns or needing more comfort due to trauma.
I was SA'd twice this year (it's happened before in my life tho), it really took a toll not only on how I interact romantically with others; but academically I'm fucked and I might not even be able to graduate, which ruins any other life plans that are the only things I've been looking forward to. I recently got ghosted by someone I was taking things slow with, obviously after I opened up and slept with them. It really hurt.
This week I started contemplating ctb again, not only because of the loneliness, but it has been a huge factor lately. I have so much fear that I'll ruin any relationship I get into because of my bpd.
It feels so pedantic to others who are in relationships, like they completely forget how painful it is to be single and longing and trying to find someone.
Idk I feel sad, I sound bratty, I should prob stop writing now.
Anybody feel anything similar to not being happy with your friends being in relationships?
I'm 21 and I already feel so hopeless for my future being happy with someone.
I guess it wasn't a problem when I was a younger adult because I was just starting university, so it didn't matter if I couldn't find someone then. But now people I know are graduating and leaving, being happy to start new careers with their degrees, new lives with their partners. I'm staying to pursue more education for the profession I want to get into, but at the same university, so I feel so stuck and dreading loneliness.
I also feel so incredibly ugly all the fucking time too. I've never been conventionally attractive. I barely get any matches on dating apps now, I've been using dating apps mostly for hook ups or just meeting people for 3 years, but god fuck I wish I could actually connect with someone. A friend of mine downloaded one of them for the first time and found a girlfriend within 2 months. I should be happy for him. His girlfriend is incredibly sweet and isn't jealous of me for hanging out with him, I actually love hanging out the three of us but like fuck man... I wish I also had someone.
Only been in 2 relationships really, both which were really, really brief, and obviously ended when I started showing more emotional sides of myself, such as meltdowns or needing more comfort due to trauma.
I was SA'd twice this year (it's happened before in my life tho), it really took a toll not only on how I interact romantically with others; but academically I'm fucked and I might not even be able to graduate, which ruins any other life plans that are the only things I've been looking forward to. I recently got ghosted by someone I was taking things slow with, obviously after I opened up and slept with them. It really hurt.
This week I started contemplating ctb again, not only because of the loneliness, but it has been a huge factor lately. I have so much fear that I'll ruin any relationship I get into because of my bpd.
It feels so pedantic to others who are in relationships, like they completely forget how painful it is to be single and longing and trying to find someone.
Idk I feel sad, I sound bratty, I should prob stop writing now.
Anybody feel anything similar to not being happy with your friends being in relationships?
