Venting I hate social relationships

[Giovannino224]

I hate social relationships.
Why they are so fucking hard to create?
Why they are so hard to maintain?
I hate them.

I hate waking up knowing that I'll go to my university,
were I'll meet my "friends".
I barely speak around them.
It's so fucking hard to talk,
I can't find and argument,
and If I find one, I can't continue the conversation for more then like 10 minutes.

I hate to interact with people,
It just stresses me out.
Sometimes I wish I was a sociopath,
so I can treat people in the way I always wanted without fear.

I'm scared of what people think of me.
I'm anxious every time I go out,
I don't know what to do and how to act.
It's just stressful.

I'm stressing out even by writing this post.
I'm scared of what you'll think about this.

Even when I'm alone I feel judge.
Even when I'm alone I feel watched,
I feel like a presence that is watching me every second.
Even while think I feel like someone is reading my thoughts,
even thinking is becoming stressful.

I just feel stressed and anxious every time.
I want to lock myself in a room, alone.
I want to stay in that room forever.

 

[AInilam]

I'm sorry you have to go through that. I lived with paranoia for a short time and still struggle with it every now and then, albeit not as intensely as I used to. Just know no one is watching you or judging your thoughts--and even if they were, you shouldn't care what they think. We're all a blip in time, eventually this dream we call reality will come to an end and no action, word or thought no matter how great or how small will matter. What comforts me is thinking that--whoever is watching is all-knowing and understands me on a personal level, why I think the way I do and how I got here. It has no room for judgment, only love.

 

[DeadlineDialer]

Being around people feels so fucking dreadful. If you don't have much to say and don't interact enough in the way they want, they say you're boring and not worth talking to, so they cut you off. If they think you talk too much, now you're annoying, cut off again. Worst part is they don't even say it half the time, just expect you to know somehow with some displeased glance they gave behind your back.

So many people are so absolved with themselves they lack the ability to talk about something beyond their reflection in the mirror. Common interests lie with the most basic, easily digestible slop garbage, so if you're not into that, there's just nothing to discuss casually. Relating over something that isn't immediately mainstream and deemed worthy by the public is not only rare, but gets you labelled as 'weird'. If you're not like everyone else, not predictable or easy to game, they don't like you, and they want to see you burn. Have a negative view on any aspect of anything? You're labelled toxic, boring, and a drag to be around. Hell, even just a slightly divergent opinion is enough for people to drop you like you were some sort of emotionless automaton. People with friends to spare have no qualms saying whatever and throwing people away like trash for the tiniest shit. Get unlucky enough and the people with more connections and better social skills who labeled you will skulk around and shit talk you to make matters worse. Feels like everyone is digging for the teensiest thing to rip someone apart over, as if they don't do those things too, just so they can put themselves on a pedestal and get further in their own lives.

Unless you're always highly motivated for something, have absolute purpose and display it proudly, no one wants to step near you. If you have nothing going for you or if you're scared to open up because you're used to being degraded and judged, then it's tough shit. No one cares to reach out someone who's already afraid to speak, they'll just turn to someone who isn't because it's easier. Collective society expects you to be some fire to light under others to make their day better, so unless you have something these vultures can tear off of you, and you're lucky enough to not be neurologically fucked, you're worthless to the public.

I get how you feel, everything is stacked against people like us in this world. Those who are sociable and game people climb higher and higher while we rot. Stuck in a pit because you have no one who cares and no one cares because you're stuck in a pit, which is too much trouble to bother helping with. A catch 22 that no one likes to bring up cause then people would have to admit it's too much trouble for them to help the people they don't really care about, and that would damage their character, so they blame it all on you for "not trying hard enough".