Venting I hate pity and I feel guilty about it.

[UtopianSoliloquies]

Of all the complaints one could have about being suicidal, I imagine receiving unwanted pity is probably relatively low on the list of pressing matters. Nevertheless, I find that I respond with an uncharacteristic amount of hostility whenever I receive pity from someone who doesn't understand anything even adjacent to suicidal ideation. One of my first experiences with this was with my mother from a few years ago when I was still in high school. She was informed of the situation by my school counsellor whom I had turned to out of desperation. For context, my mother works in a prominent hospital in the area and therefore has encountered numerous people of my ilk though she and I are not particularly close. At first, I was relieved that her response was generally sympathetic and not as hostile as I thought it would be— though I soon found that I hated the pity she had for me more than any show of contempt I had experienced prior. I'm not sure why, but it just feels so damn dehumanizing to be treated as if I need to be constantly checked up on, to have my feelings euphemistically referred to as "those thoughts that you have" and to be spoken to in a tone of voice that is otherwise reserved for wounded animals. Even if it may be the case, I hate being constantly monitored as if every walk I decide to go on might actually be a trip to a forest with a tank of nitrogen gas in tow. I hate being treated this way, and I often respond with irritation and hostility that only seems to reinforce their infantilizing views of me. Sometimes I muse about killing myself just to spite the people who show me concern in this way. I know that the people who speak to me with such pity necessarily care about me to a meaningful extent as they certainly would not put up with my hostility towards them otherwise, which only makes me feel worse about the way in which I respond. Frankly, I feel quite childish for even writing this. I am, after all, literally complaining that some people who care about me express that in a way which I do not like. Even so, being treated this way has stripped my sense of agency and individuality in a way that I don't think anything else has done so far, and it ironically reduces me to feeling as if my desire to CTB is the sole thing that defines my very limited time on this earth.

PS: this is my first post here and I feel like I wasn't completely able to express what I was trying to get at but I just really wanted to say something about this anyway

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. It's an interesting post. Initially I have to say that I couldn't quite empathise- I generally prefer pity to platitudes. Still- the more you said, the more I think I can relate.

My family don't actually know just HOW bad I am. They know that I'm struggling- certainly but they don't know I'm suicidal (and have been for decades.) I have a feeling- if they did find out- that they might treat me in the same way.

I get the impression that what annoys you is that they're dealing with these thoughts as simply an affliction- an illness that is somehow separate to you. I think maybe people do this to try and get US to disassociate from these thoughts. But for many of us- it's not as simple as that- these thoughts CAN feel rational- like they are a part of us. Rather than just some fleeting illness.

Plus, SO many people are high functioning suicidal (as it were.) We've lived with these thoughts for SO long. It may well be that we will act on them one day but that may not be for years. I understand- it must be annoying to feel like you're always being watched. Still- I can understand why your family feel on edge. It's not your fault but I suppose- it isn't theirs either. Perhaps they could find better ways of expressing their support though.

It does seem like they feel like they're walking on eggshells around you. I think that can happen with any type of 'illness' or big news you hear about someone and you don't know how to react around them.

Have you ever sat down with them and had a rational talk? 'Yes, I have these feelings. I'm grateful that you care and want to express it- but pity and checking up on me constantly doesn't always help- not meaning to cause offence' type thing. Your family sound supportive. Maybe they will change how they show their support if you explain that the current situation is making things worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

You shouldn't really feel guilty as your feelings towards this are completely understandable. It sounds so frustrating having to put up with someone like that and it's why I see it as being for the best not to be open about wanting to die.