i hate not knowing who i am

[j3n4829]

I've been suffering about my identity for so long i hate it, no matter how much i try i never succeed in finding myself, it even started to effect my relationship with my close ones, i take the identity of fictional characters and other people to make sure that they like me, and when i get too comfortable with them and act differently they will leave me. I've tried to fit in for so long i forgot who i really am. I wish there was a world where no one will judge us and we can all be ourselves

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Society is cruel and expects everyone to look, or behave in a certain way.
In order to fit into this closed - minded reality of society we have to wear a mask of " normalcy ".
It's so exhausting to do things such as wearing a happy face when all you want to do is die or having to put on an Oscar winning performance to get through the day in general for fear of being judged.
We shouldn't have to do this, yet we can't be ourselves if we are perceived as different, or too quiet etc.

 

[Nangijala]

I think we feel similar things to some degree. I feel like the real me is worthless and deserving of hate, and I've felt that way ever since I was little. I've been basing how I behave based on what I believe others would want me to act like for so long that I haven't formed basic things such as my own opinions. At the same time I permanently feel a sense of guilt for lying to others by pretending to be someone I am not. I also feel like acting like my true self would result in others being disappointed or hurt, meaning I feel trapped and no matter what I do I feel like I am doing something wrong.

 

[tiger b]

Maybe deciding on what you are not, rather than what you are, would be slightly easier?

Personality is much more fluid and far less fixed than most people realise.

But yeah, it's a very judgemental world, often for really silly reasons, and the desire to please people is difficult to escape.

 

[j3n4829]

I think we feel similar things to some degree. I feel like the real me is worthless and deserving of hate, and I've felt that way ever since I was little. I've been basing how I behave based on what I believe others would want me to act like for so long that I haven't formed basic things such as my own opinions. At the same time I permanently feel a sense of guilt for lying to others by pretending to be someone I am not. I also feel like acting like my true self would result in others being disappointed or hurt, meaning I feel trapped and no matter what I do I feel like I am doing something wrong.

i really relate to this!, i cant even voice my own opinions, i can never be able to just say "i want to do __" or "i want this __" because i am so afraid to disappoint others, so i can only say "i dont know"

Maybe deciding on what you are not, rather than what you are, would be slightly easier?

Personality is much more fluid and far less fixed than most people realise.

But yeah, it's a very judgemental world, often for really silly reasons, and the desire to please people is difficult to escape.

thank you for the suggestion, ill make sure to try doing that :3

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I've tried to fit in for so long i forgot who i really am

I feel this, I used to dress as Emo and Goth and later street then just started dressing like a normie for over 10 years now I miss having a sense of style and feeling proud of it and seeing clothing or accessories that I thought "I just must have it!" I really miss that feeling I find buying normal/normie clothes so boring if I need new pants I just need to get it over with because there is nothing special about it it all looks the same I miss being so proud of my look and style no matter what anyone else thought it only mattered that I thought it was cool.

On a more mental note I also hate that I mentally am 10 years behind everyone else, because everyone I know or used to know now either have children or are planning to have children and to me just means the party is over for them and the fun in life in general. I still just wanna have fun despite I can´t because of anhedonia but I want to like the young teenagers I see everywhere who are just having fun with whatever they´re doing but people my age there life is already over that is how I see it and it saddens me also to think that the teenagers I see who are just goofing around and trying to be cool and have fun that in 15 years they will be old, fat, boring and either have children or want to have children and they don´t even know it yet they live in the blissful youthful world of ignorance and I am actually happy for them but also envious but still they should enjoy it while it lasts because while childhood and teenage years seems to last forever in the moment, one day you wake up and the adventures are over and the friends are all gone.

 

[j3n4829]

I feel this, I used to dress as Emo and Goth and later street then just started dressing like a normie for over 10 years now I miss having a sense of style and feeling proud of it and seeing clothing or accessories that I thought "I just must have it!" I really miss that feeling I find buying normal/normie clothes so boring if I need new pants I just need to get it over with because there is nothing special about it it all looks the same I miss being so proud of my look and style no matter what anyone else thought it only mattered that I thought it was cool.

On a more mental note I also hate that I mentally am 10 years behind everyone else, because everyone I know or used to know now either have children or are planning to have children and to me just means the party is over for them and the fun in life in general. I still just wanna have fun despite I can´t because of anhedonia but I want to like the young teenagers I see everywhere who are just having fun with whatever they´re doing but people my age there life is already over that is how I see it and it saddens me also to think that the teenagers I see who are just goofing around and trying to be cool and have fun that in 15 years they will be old, fat, boring and either have children or want to have children and they don´t even know it yet they live in the blissful youthful world of ignorance and I am actually happy for them but also envious but still they should enjoy it while it lasts because while childhood and teenage years seems to last forever in the moment, one day you wake up and the adventures are over and the friends are all gone.

you understand me so much, please stay safe hugs

 

[Weltall]

i really relate to this!, i cant even voice my own opinions, i can never be able to just say "i want to do __" or "i want this __" because i am so afraid to disappoint others, so i can only say "i dont know"

thank you for the suggestion, ill make sure to try doing that :3

I fear of disappointing others all the time, and I still do today.
Maybe a lesson we need to learn is how to not dissappoint ourselves first.
If were not happy, then it will affect the relationships around us.
Being more selfish and do start saying "I'm going to do X" can probably get us in the right direction.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

you understand me so much, please stay safe hugs

That is very nice to hear it always feels good to be understood