I hate myself so much

[mochi_]

I hate myself so much, sometimes I don't know whether I should drink acid and burn myself from inside and out or set myself on fire. I wish someone would flay me by itty bitty pieces, keeping me alive for as long as one can, until I died from shock. I wish someone would run up to me and plunge a knife into my face, stabbing at it until it falls off. Scum of the scum. A bottom dweller. I'm worse than a nobody, wasting oxygen and space that this garbage of a body occupies. A soul has been wasted on me.

She was right. She should have killed me while I was a baby because then no one would have known. I look exactly like her, too. It took me thirty fucking years to get away yet every time I look in the mirror, I see her staring back right at me. She's going to follow me into the grave, or a garbage can, a toilet, wherever this worthless trash might get tossed in. And she will probably spend eternity chasing me around and flapping her fucking lips about what a terrible piece of shit I am. As if I don't know that already.

Being conceived itself was a mistake. Everything. Everything about me has been wrong from the beginning. I'm not cut out for life. I wasn't meant to be here. No amount of good deeds, praying, crying, or begging will EVER undo the damage caused by this pathetic existence. Trash belongs in the garbage, and that's where I should be. I should crawl into a garbage dump and kill myself inside. I'll finally be home.

 

[◄✵火✵〇°Ø•WÅR•Ī°〇✵火✵►]

I don't know exactly what you've been through, op, but I'm sorry you're suffering... Pats for you. I hope everything will be okay in the end. I wish you peace.

Spoiler

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I'm sorry that you're in so much pain and agony. I feel every word you've written here deeply. Nearly brought me to tears because of how strongly they resonate with me. You deserve peace and comfort after all that you've suffered, and I hope you'll be able to find it in whatever form it may take.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

This. I can relate, mostly, to what you're saying. Same words, but I don't hate my Dad and he doesn't hate me, but, at one time, he literally wished I had never been born. He told me. More than once. Even almost killed me once. Strangulation. Terrifying to look into your parents eyes filled with hate and rage feeling them slowly squeeze the life out of you. Hurts like HELL too. But, I think he was right and it sucks he didn't kill me that night. Would have been better for everyone I had gotten to know on a personal level. I am poison and I simply end up making people's lives worse for my presence so, yeah, I know where you're at and I am so sorry you are here. A place nobody should be. Except me.

 

[WornOutLife]

I'm not cut out for life.

My conclusion is the same.
I can experience some moments of happiness and be normal from time to time but I always end up in this eternal depressing suicidal cycle.

 

[lonerclown666]

same