Venting i hate myself and i bring no value to the world

[ultraviolence]

I fucking hate myself. I keep disappointing everyone in my life. I am the black sheep of my family and no one understands me; I sound annoying edgy and cringe saying that but it's true. I hate how lazy I am and how I want to do good and I WANT to be successful but when it's time to do so, I freeze and do nothing. WHY am I like this? I can't seem to ever do anything right. I make so many promises that I don't keep because I am just that incompetent. Is there any hope for me, can I possibly turn my life around and go back to school, take care of myself?

I'm such a fucking perfectionist and not even in the good way-- if I can't do something perfectly, I won't start it in fear it won't be perfect or throw it away because it's not perfect. I just keep thinking about all those news stories and articles of young people who kill themselves and people describe them as like a fkn "light in the world" or "always happy and involved in school and played sports and so smart with SO much ahead of them" I'm none of that. There is truly no reason for me to live. I just take up so much space and resources. I am nothing. I do nothing. I'm so worthless I can't take it anymore I can't wait to die. The only thing I'm good at is not eating, I don't deserve to eat. There is nothing I like about myself. I'm trashed with ugly deforming self-harm scars, I'm ugly in general, I'm annoying, disgusting, useless (and ALL of my old classmates n my family think I am bc I didn't even go to college and in hs never went to school, and failed so many classes) I feel like I'm misunderstood because I KNOW I could do good, I consciously know I am smarter than like my older cousin for example but this illness is so debilitating that I don't use any of my potential. I keep digging myself into a hole. I want so desperately to get better and be better but I just can't.

And what sucks is my abuser, my fucking mother of all people, will be given the benefit of the doubt when I kill myself and they find my note (I've made it a plan to not invite her to my funeral if I have one and I was close to kms last night and wrote a last minute note saying she's not invited and that I hope she burns in hell) which sounds so heartless but please believe me when I say if you knew what she did you'd agree she deserves it. I hate how no one will believe me. They'll say I'm evil once they read it. I hate how mothers are automatically seen as innocent ultrafeminine and caring creatures when she's an evil nasty cunt.

I have two best friends I love so so much and I'm so lucky and grateful to have them when I know many ppl have no one but I can't anymore. My best friends have stuff going for them they both are so smart and get great grades. Me? I am nothing. I DON'T want to live, and I won't in a few months, but, if you had any advice for me on how to turn things around what would you tell me?

 

[why am i alive?]

I relate to everything so I can't give the best advice but here goes nothing:
U could start a hobby where u literally can't fail like riding horses.
I'm an artist and I used to be like u and throw everything away as soon as it was bad. I then started analysing my mistakes and drew the pictures over and over again correcting my mistakes.
About ur other problems I wouldn't recommend telling a therapist about ur problems with ur mom if she still has rights to decide about u. But if she doesn't consider talking to a therapist. Move out or even move to a different country.
Hope I could help just a bit and I hope u find ur way wether its live or death. <3

 

[distropian_]

That really sounds like you're struggling right now, sorry to hear that. I've had problems with a drunken and abusive mother in the past too so I know exactly what you mean. You seem to be struggling with the fact that you aren't accomplishing anything and that you're stagnant in life right now, but ultimately that's up to you. My advice would be to forget about your past, you can't control history. Start focusing on what you can do now, make a goal in an area that you feel you need to improve yourself in then chase that goal, this helped me a ton (mine was fitness lol). Just understand that the path of self improvement is not easy whatsoever, and the somewhat sad truth of life is that you're going to suffer no matter what, but the beauty of it is that you get to choose what type of suffering you go through; the struggle of self hate in anger of your complacency and inability to succeed, or the struggle of ever improving in the fight to better yourself (the latter of which is much better btw). Self improvement will ultimately help you feel like you're accomplishing something worthwhile. Only once you've helped yourself can you begin to help others. I'm not going to sit here and tell you some half-assed BS about curing depression through socializing more or talking to a therapist, the reality is that depression is an indicator from your body telling you to stop living the way you currently are. sry this message was so long lmao, I hope I helped even just a little.

 

[ultraviolence]

I didn't expect anyone to reply ty guys I copy n pasted parts I found helpful into my notes app LOL

I relate to everything so I can't give the best advice but here goes nothing:
U could start a hobby where u literally can't fail like riding horses.
I'm an artist and I used to be like u and throw everything away as soon as it was bad. I then started analysing my mistakes and drew the pictures over and over again correcting my mistakes.
About ur other problems I wouldn't recommend telling a therapist about ur problems with ur mom if she still has rights to decide about u. But if she doesn't consider talking to a therapist. Move out or even move to a different country.
Hope I could help just a bit and I hope u find ur way wether its live or death. <3

AAA I'm an artist too! I'm glad you can relate (not glad it's shit but yk what I mean) I just haven't made art in a long, long time for that very reason and it makes me sad since I held some identity to it and feel lost now. I can't tell a therapist I'm afraid bc I don't trust the system anymore since it's betrayed me sm and my little sister is a minor n I fear they'll have to contact CPS if they think she's in danger. This is helpful dw, I should start working my way to improvement instead of perfection. It's been a dream of mine to move across the country so I'll just chase that, I will still die on my chosen date but tbh I think I asked for advice so I could do something before I do maybe just to prove that I could. Hope the best for u <3

That really sounds like you're struggling right now, sorry to hear that. I've had problems with a drunken and abusive mother in the past too so I know exactly what you mean. You seem to be struggling with the fact that you aren't accomplishing anything and that you're stagnant in life right now, but ultimately that's up to you. My advice would be to forget about your past, you can't control history. Start focusing on what you can do now, make a goal in an area that you feel you need to improve yourself in then chase that goal, this helped me a ton (mine was fitness lol). Just understand that the path of self improvement is not easy whatsoever, and the somewhat sad truth of life is that you're going to suffer no matter what, but the beauty of it is that you get to choose what type of suffering you go through; the struggle of self hate in anger of your complacency and inability to succeed, or the struggle of ever improving in the fight to better yourself (the latter of which is much better btw). Self improvement will ultimately help you feel like you're accomplishing something worthwhile. Only once you've helped yourself can you begin to help others. I'm not going to sit here and tell you some half-assed BS about curing depression through socializing more or talking to a therapist, the reality is that depression is an indicator from your body telling you to stop living the way you currently are. sry this message was so long lmao, I hope I helped even just a little.

Thank you so much, this helped a lot, actually. Fuck both of our mothers tbh it sucks that abusive women are given so much merit. I'm really appreciative of you not coddling me, you know? I'm so fucking sick of that. I like your message because you suggest I have control which is a big issue of mine (hence the anorexia lolol, which u prolly understand since your goal was fitness) and you're realistic. Don't apologize this was genuinely really helpful, I rlly loved it, tenfold better than anything I've heard from therapists. <3

 

[distropian_]

I didn't expect anyone to reply ty guys I copy n pasted parts I found helpful into my notes app LOL

AAA I'm an artist too! I'm glad you can relate (not glad it's shit but yk what I mean) I just haven't made art in a long, long time for that very reason and it makes me sad since I held some identity to it and feel lost now. I can't tell a therapist I'm afraid bc I don't trust the system anymore since it's betrayed me sm and my little sister is a minor n I fear they'll have to contact CPS if they think she's in danger. This is helpful dw, I should start working my way to improvement instead of perfection. It's been a dream of mine to move across the country so I'll just chase that, I will still die on my chosen date but tbh I think I asked for advice so I could do something before I do maybe just to prove that I could. Hope the best for u <3

Thank you so much, this helped a lot, actually. Fuck both of our mothers tbh it sucks that abusive women are given so much merit. I'm really appreciative of you not coddling me, you know? I'm so fucking sick of that. I like your message because you suggest I have control which is a big issue of mine (hence the anorexia lolol, which u prolly understand since your goal was fitness) and you're realistic. Don't apologize this was genuinely really helpful, I rlly loved it, tenfold better than anything I've heard from therapists. <3

I'm glad I could help :)