Venting i hate my SI

[sundown12]

i can't live with myself anymore, i hate myself to the core.
i want to end it all, but my SI is a bitch. i thought of jumping from the 16th floor, but i'm scared i'm going to break my bones and end up in a psych ward afterwards. i've been to a psych ward twice this year, and I just don't have any fight in me left to be there again. i'm also considering SN, but knowing myself i will panic and call the emergency. if i had a gun, it would be easier for me to ctb. i also hate how I can't really talk about the fact that I want to die, because the society is so overly pro-life and i might end up in a psych ward again if i do talk about it.
i just want someone to fucking listen to me and understand my perspective. i'm sick of having shallow conversations and pretending like i'm normal and don't want to die.
also it pisses me off that my spirit guides don't care if i live or die. i talk to them a lot, but they rarely answer me. i tell them all the time that i want to die and that i don't want to be in this body, in this country, on this stupid fucking planet, but all i hear back is silence.
my existence is so pathetic. i can't stand up for myself, can't be more assertive, i'm weak and way too agreeable. i don't deserve to live. my only way forward is death. and i'm mad at myself because i thought i'm spiritually aware enough to know that we are all immortal souls and etc, but I'm still scared to ctb.
i think the thing i'm most scared about with jumping or SN is the discomfort. i want to go peacefully in my sleep, not putting myself through immense stress before i die. i think i deserve that, at least.

 

[hellispink]

I get it. I wish we had ways of dying that were humane and pain free. Dying is very difficult indeed. I will be going for SN despite any SI, its my only option out . Its that or being jailed here forever

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case I certainly hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die, it's horrible how we have to struggle so much to be free from this existence, I really wish there's a straightforward way to just permanently cease existing in peace.
Falling asleep and never waking again is all I wish for as well, it just disgusts me how humans want to deny that option and make suicide as painful and risky as possible. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[itwillallbeoverr]

SI is so frustrating, honestly. There are certain things that dampen it, like alcohol and sedatives of course

 

[sundown12]

In my case I certainly hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die, it's horrible how we have to struggle so much to be free from this existence, I really wish there's a straightforward way to just permanently cease existing in peace.
Falling asleep and never waking again is all I wish for as well, it just disgusts me how humans want to deny that option and make suicide as painful and risky as possible. But anyway I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

pro-lifers think if they make ctb hard to accomplish, then they are "saving" people. nasty fuckers, i hate them and their hypocrisy.
thanks!

 

[sundown12]

Yer you end up feeling so alone and like a pity case or psych ward bait of you scare the wrong person enough. 'They' want you to live because you might be the 3 in 10 who goes on to regret the suicidal ideation and also they don't like having an extra corpse to deal with before it's your actual time according to natural decline and death.

ikr, i only felt safe talking about my suicidal thoughts first time i got into a psych ward when i met a bunch of people who tried to kill themselves, lol.
i used to talk to a psychologist a while ago, and I had to keep my mouth shut about wanting to ctb, otherwise she'd just call ambulance on me.

 

[Aim]

Have you considered changing therapist?
I can only relate to my own experiences, but me therapist validates me when I talk about ctb. Seems like i am more lucky then i thought.

Sorry about your situation, must be horribel.

 

[sundown12]

Have you considered changing therapist?
I can only relate to my own experiences, but me therapist validates me when I talk about ctb. Seems like i am more lucky then i thought.

Sorry about your situation, must be horribel.

i tried 4 therapists, and I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about ctbing.
my last therapist was from the psych ward, and she would def snitch on me if I told her the truth.

 

[Aim]

i tried 4 therapists, and I didn't feel comfortable talking to them about ctbing.
my last therapist was from the psych ward, and she would def snitch on me if I told her the truth.

Oh wow! Yess, that's suck! Where i come from therapists (psych ward or not) aren't allowed at ALL to snitch! (Unless your a minor). So guess it depends on what country your from/living in.

Anyways! Very sorry to hear about that- hopefully things and times (like everything else) will start to get some new knowledge on how to deal with suicidal people. So that more people feel seen and heard. And hopefully be able to live a happy life (suicidal or not)