Venting I hate my brain and my brain hates me

[Henrietta789]

I hate my brain. I hate my broken brain with its personality disorder that makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything or have any kind of lasting relationship with another human being. And it feels like my brain hates ME. No matter what happens, how well I do something or how nice someone is to me, my brain will always scream into my head that it's my fault, I'm not good enough, and that person who seems so nice really hates me, and that I totally deserve it. I see other people go through life able to let all the world's little digs roll right off their back, and it just makes me wonder what that must feel like...to be able to live and not have EVERY SINGLE THING that happens cause you anxiety and pain.

I wish someone could fix my brain, but I know they can't. I feel angry at my body for being born broken like it is. Does anyone else feel this way? That's why I want to CTB; I just want to hurt and end this stupid broken brain that I hate as much as it hates me.

I've gone through better and worse times, but the longer time goes on the less better times there are. For the sake of family members who rely on me for care, I'm trying to hold on...but I'm just getting so tired of trying.

 

[emptyjokes]

I hate my brain. I hate my broken brain with its personality disorder that makes it impossible for me to enjoy anything or have any kind of lasting relationship with another human being. And it feels like my brain hates ME. No matter what happens, how well I do something or how nice someone is to me, my brain will always scream into my head that it's my fault, I'm not good enough, and that person who seems so nice really hates me, and that I totally deserve it. I see other people go through life able to let all the world's little digs roll right off their back, and it just makes me wonder what that must feel like...to be able to live and not have EVERY SINGLE THING that happens cause you anxiety and pain.

I wish someone could fix my brain, but I know they can't. I feel angry at my body for being born broken like it is. Does anyone else feel this way? That's why I want to CTB; I just want to hurt and end this stupid broken brain that I hate as much as it hates me.

I've gone through better and worse times, but the longer time goes on the less better times there are. For the sake of family members who rely on me for care, I'm trying to hold on...but I'm just getting so tired of trying.

I can relate to what you're saying in a lot of ways. I definitely have to fight tooth and nail against my brain to get any "this is fine, things are actually good" type thoughts, and that can only happen when I'm distanced from all of the chaos that my life is. One slip, and it's right back to living a nightmare. I don't know about you but I get occasional surges of violent thoughts towards myself when things get bad. It is as if there's a voice shouting at me to "just do it, pull the trigger" and similar thoughts. If nothing else, I hope you can know that you aren't the only person that deals with that. I hope peace can find it's way to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be torture and I know that it can be awful being trapped in this human body. I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably, I know that it is hard to carry on when you are so tired of everything. I am also extremely tired of living. I just want to not exist, as if I am gone then nothing can hurt me. I hope that you find relief from pain in whatever happens.

 

[hankbank3928]

I feel the same way, I hate my brain too.

 

[iwanttohugthetrees]

have you tried meds? I feel pretty much same though
personality disorder that you are probably talking about is not easy to live with
antipsychotics in small doses may be helpful

 

[Weebster]

My brain will recombine like Vultron one day probably in the year 2525.