I. HATE. MIRRORS!

[ggetout33]

So I'm 99% sure I have body dysmorphia. I hate how my body looks, have hated it for years now. Even thought I was trans because of how much I hated my body. Still thinking if I am or not, but I don't really have any strong feelings towards gender at all. It's hard for me to tell if its because I'm a trans woman underneath it all, or I just hate my body. I harbor some sense of envy with attractive girls. Sometimes guys too. But that's kinda it.

But recently, mirrors have become a huge trigger for me, or any reflective surface.

1. You're forced to gaze at the pile of flesh you're stuck with.
2. You're usually alone when you see your reflection.
3. But when I do see myself, I can't help but try to adjust my hair or do other things. Or stare and think "is this me?"

Interacting with others isn't really as big of a trigger for me. Since I do see in first person, I can kinda "forget" for a while. Like just focus on the interaction and not how I look. But I think I would actually be happier if I just didn't have to see my own body ever again.

Does anyone know any hobbies I could pick up, where I don't have to see my body? I'm already into music and drawing. Did a few sketches today in fact.



For drawing, I at first fell in love with the idea of being a super famous comic book artist at 17. But as I've grown older, I learned to appreciate the fact that comic art can bring immersive stories to life better than Hollywood could ever hope to do. Make things happen that not even our best CGI could replicate. And have heroes that aren't played by the same few rich actors.

For music I've been playing guitar for a few years and getting really into it again. I've wanted to make my own songs but when it comes to vocals I just can't muster up the courage. I don't really like my singing voice all that much. I'm too deep. I sound too robotic. I don't have the right tricks other vocalists do.

I could maybe sing a karaoke song once in a while. But anything "professional" I just don't think would work. As much as it hurts my ego, I'd be okay letting someone better sing for me. Or maybe using an AI, but I haven't found any programs that sound authentic enough. But there's always posting rock remixes or something.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

I can relate a bit. I only had a small bathroom mirror growing up, and in my home right now, so I'm not used to mirrors.
I can go days without looking into any mirror. I avoid it when brushing my teeth, unconciously, only thought about it now replying to you.

I usually HATE photos of myself in a group. It removes that "first-personness" you mentioned and shows how ridiculous I actually look. How the fuck are these people friends with me and entertain my antics?

Pro-tip, NEVER look at yourself in the mirror while tripping. If you are already uncomfortable with yourself it just makes it all so much uneasier.

As for hobbies, maybe just going out for long walks/hikes? You get that exercise, process your thoughts, without being in a gym FILLED with mirrors and people.

Still thinking if I am or not, but I don't really have any strong feelings towards gender at all. It's hard for me to tell if its because I'm a trans woman underneath it all, or I just hate my body. I harbor some sense of envy with attractive girls.

Did you ever consider AGP, autogynephilia? The eroticism of thinking of yourself as a woman?

I had some AGP feelings cuz of misplaced chronic loneliness. I have some women's clothing in my closet.
When I realized what AGP was I kinda understood that it was more of a loose screw than actual transsexualism.

AGP is often "cancelled" online. Not because the idea is bad, it's can be pretty accurate, but the original author is problematic

 

[ggetout33]

I can relate a bit. I only had a small bathroom mirror growing up, and in my home right now, so I'm not used to mirrors.
I can go days without looking into any mirror. I avoid it when brushing my teeth, unconciously, only thought about it now replying to you.

I usually HATE photos of myself in a group. It removes that "first-personness" you mentioned and shows how ridiculous I actually look. How the fuck are these people friends with me and entertain my antics?

Pro-tip, NEVER look at yourself in the mirror while tripping. If you are already uncomfortable with yourself it just makes it all so much uneasier.

As for hobbies, maybe just going out for long walks/hikes? You get that exercise, process your thoughts, without being in a gym FILLED with mirrors and people.



Did you ever consider AGP, autogynephilia? The eroticism of thinking of yourself as a woman?

I had some AGP feelings cuz of misplaced chronic loneliness. I have some women's clothing in my closet.
When I realized what AGP was I kinda understood that it was more of a loose screw than actual transsexualism.

AGP is often "cancelled" online. Not because the idea is bad, it's can be pretty accurate, but the original author is problematic

Autogynophelia is nothing like being a trans woman. It's a transphobic term made by someone who wanted to write off all trans people as just a sexual kink.

Besides that, I hardly think of being a woman in a sexual context. My feelings of jealousy lie more in the social benefits women get. I want that. I want people to approach and desire me for once. I want them to trust me and not blindly assume I'm just another predator just cause I was born with a dick.

My autism makes it worse because I can't read social cues. I don't know when (or if) I should approach someone. And honestly, it's hard not thinking I'm too damaged and far-gone to get the social life I want. I would be too twisted by low self-esteem and severe bullying in childhood to take the opportunity while it's there.

Not to mention the horrible stigma autistic men get, especially in the US. But everywhere is kinda shit. People probably think we're one bad day away from getting a gun and blasting everyone to kingdom come just cause a girl said no to us.

I hate my body cause I'm too tall, fat, hairy, my facial hair keeps growing (but cant grow a beard ffs), bad genetics, crooked teeth I've had to correct with invisalign, I have bad acne all over my upper arms and back. I'm lucky I can cover it up by wearing a t shirt.

And I hate the social role I have to play as a man. I have no interest in being just another dudebro who goes around treating everyone like shit because I wanna be "alpha" or whatever. I also hate the internet gurus who make us all look bad.

 

[FormerlyFe(IV)]

Autogynophelia is nothing like being a trans woman. It's a transphobic term made by someone who wanted to write off all trans people as just a sexual kink.

I don't want to start a whole parallel discussion here, so agree to disagree? I know Contrapoints made a video about AGP and most of it was discrediting the original author rather than the idea itself. And I related to some of the ideas as well.

My feelings of jealousy lie more in the social benefits women get. I want that. I want people to approach and desire me for once. I want them to trust me and not blindly assume I'm just another predator just cause I was born with a dick.

Yup. Been there, felt that. Wishing I could be more open about my emotions, being more sensitive. Having more liberty in clothing, more social liberty. People not treating me in a stupid way just because men generally behave in a stupid way. Men just talk about beer and soccer. To some degree, I empathize and understand.

My autism makes it worse because I can't read social cues. I don't know when (or if) I should approach someone.

YUP. I simply gave up approaching 99% of the time. Sometimes I feel better, more optimistic (?) and sometimes it goes well. Other times I hate myself for even thinking of approaching.

Not to mention the horrible stigma autistic men get, especially in the US.

I'm from Brazil and we don't have school shooters, but mental health as a whole is treated is a joke. I try to live as "don't ask, don't tell" and pray I play the neurotypical game well enough that people don't notice or slowly get used to my shenanigans.

And I hate the social role I have to play as a man. I have no interest in being just another dudebro who goes around treating everyone like shit because I wanna be "alpha" or whatever. I also hate the internet gurus who make us all look bad.

100%. I even got chastised for the dumbest shit, like having a cute transparent floral phone case and pearl white phone, instead of a black boring phone and boring phone case.
I grew my hair out and people are momentarily nice sometimes until I turn around and they obviously realize I'm not a woman.
Someone told me I "cuddled like a little girl" because I wanted to be embraced instead of always embracing.
I want to cry without people making a big deal about it. Why do people have to assume that men are always insensitive.
I don't want to be stoic and strong.

And like, that's the "light side" of toxic masculinity. The deep alpha male rhetoric can get scary. And I heard that young men are parroting this stupid shit.

I'm getting out of my shell a bit more, I found some pretty accepting friends.
Gender expectations are bullshit. Fuck society.
I just want to be myself.

Hugs, my dude/dudette

 

[ggetout33]

I don't want to start a whole parallel discussion here, so agree to disagree? I know Contrapoints made a video about AGP and most of it was discrediting the original author rather than the idea itself. And I related to some of the ideas as well.



Yup. Been there, felt that. Wishing I could be more open about my emotions, being more sensitive. Having more liberty in clothing, more social liberty. People not treating me in a stupid way just because men generally behave in a stupid way. Men just talk about beer and soccer. To some degree, I empathize and understand.



YUP. I simply gave up approaching 99% of the time. Sometimes I feel better, more optimistic (?) and sometimes it goes well. Other times I hate myself for even thinking of approaching.



I'm from Brazil and we don't have school shooters, but mental health as a whole is treated is a joke. I try to live as "don't ask, don't tell" and pray I play the neurotypical game well enough that people don't notice or slowly get used to my shenanigans.



100%. I even got chastised for the dumbest shit, like having a cute transparent floral phone case and pearl white phone, instead of a black boring phone and boring phone case.
I grew my hair out and people are momentarily nice sometimes until I turn around and they obviously realize I'm not a woman.
Someone told me I "cuddled like a little girl" because I wanted to be embraced instead of always embracing.
I want to cry without people making a big deal about it. Why do people have to assume that men are always insensitive.

And like, that's the "light side" of toxic masculinity. The deep alpha male rhetoric can get scary. And I heard that young men are parroting this stupid shit.

I'm getting out of my shell a bit more, I found some pretty accepting friends.
Gender expectations are bullshit. Fuck society.
I just want to be myself.

Hugs, my dude/dudette

Yeah.

I even used to be in the redpill in my teenage years. 22 now and I really look back and cringe so hard. It didn't do jackshit for me and honestly ruined my life. I know its just some dumb highschool bs at the end of the day and most people moved on. But I look back and regret all the people I'd hurt back then. All the women I'd just dismissed as femoids just because I'm red pilled.

Were there bad people back then? Absolutely. I was bullied by them.

But I bet there were also people who could one day grow up to do great things in the world. But I was too blinded by dumbasses on the internet to see it. Dumbasses who never had my best interests at heart. Even if I did follow their jargon to the letter, the moment I slip up online I would instantly be disavowed and called a beta cuck. If I got sent to jail because I chose to follow their advice, they wouldn't be there to bail me out.

Red pill took away years of my life I will never get back. Years of self-discovery, chasing my dreams, healing my mental health, meeting new people.

 

[melodyhehe]

Does anyone know any hobbies I could pick up, where I don't have to see my body? I'm already into music and drawing. Did a few sketches today in fact.

do u like animals? if yes u could try helping out at ur local shelter they sometimes need volunteers and its nice to work w animals cause u know they wont judge u or try to hurt u just for fun like humans do.

and yea i also vibe w ur post in general i dont like seeing myself but i have to and its like aaaa pls. its sometimes awful and gives me a ton of brainworms and then thouths if i look okay or just shit and i should off myself for looking bad.

also the trans thing if its something ur unsure of, u could try talking to counsellor and just kinda like ask about it and say its something uve been wondering about. depending on where u live they will either try helping or pretend they wanna help or even be negative about it. anyway i know its hard to dislike ur own body i often question it myself and sometimes i just dont wanna wake up but i hope u can figure it out somehow