Venting I hate living with autism

[aquasaltstripes]

Autism and a bunch of other mental disorders. I hate the way my brain processes information, it's so toxic, everything overwhelms me and pisses me off, performing the same OCD rituals over and over again and stressing over every noise and all my triggers for years, losing all my motivation and inspiration for art, not living just killing time as the saying goes, nobody taking it seriously.

And it's not even like it's constant suffering with nothing to redeem it. I have good happy moments, like listening to music and doing art or occasionally hanging out with a friend which I'm very lucky to have, but I have some panic attack and snowball and spiral and fuck it all up. Build something beautiful just to set it on fire. It's beyond exhausting. My mind goes numb and all foggy and clogged with pus and shit, my heart hurts and blood pressure spikes. Art doesn't provide any catharsis for any of this, it's my inability to focus on it that makes it so frustrating.

I miss reading and consuming art and just having love and inspiration and zest for life and everything just pouring out of me in torrents, when I could actually find joy and hope and color in everything. Now I'm just a husk rotting and stagnating and floating away. Not good at living nor suicide, just in the shitty spitroast of a tug of war in between.

Typing about it and posting about it does kinda help though I guess ;<

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It is literally hell :(.

 

[novi.jpg]

Autism and a bunch of other mental disorders. I hate the way my brain processes information, it's so toxic, everything overwhelms me and pisses me off, performing the same OCD rituals over and over again and stressing over every noise and all my triggers for years, losing all my motivation and inspiration for art, not living just killing time as the saying goes, nobody taking it seriously.

And it's not even like it's constant suffering with nothing to redeem it. I have good happy moments, like listening to music and doing art or occasionally hanging out with a friend which I'm very lucky to have, but I have some panic attack and snowball and spiral and fuck it all up. Build something beautiful just to set it on fire. It's beyond exhausting. My mind goes numb and all foggy and clogged with pus and shit, my heart hurts and blood pressure spikes. Art doesn't provide any catharsis for any of this, it's my inability to focus on it that makes it so frustrating.

I miss reading and consuming art and just having love and inspiration and zest for life and everything just pouring out of me in torrents, when I could actually find joy and hope and color in everything. Now I'm just a husk rotting and stagnating and floating away. Not good at living nor suicide, just in the shitty spitroast of a tug of war in between.

Typing about it and posting about it does kinda help though I guess ;<

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil and frustration, particularly with how your mental health challenges are affecting your daily life and your artistic pursuits. It's important to acknowledge the strength it takes to share your experiences and feelings.

Living with autism and other mental health conditions can indeed be overwhelming, and it can feel isolating when others don't understand or take your struggles seriously. It's heartening to hear that you have moments of happiness and that you find some solace in music, art, and friendship. These are significant positives amidst the challenges.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil and frustration, particularly with how your mental health challenges are affecting your daily life and your artistic pursuits. It's important to acknowledge the strength it takes to share your experiences and feelings.

Living with autism and other mental health conditions can indeed be overwhelming, and it can feel isolating when others don't understand or take your struggles seriously. It's heartening to hear that you have moments of happiness and that you find some solace in music, art, and friendship. These are significant positives amidst the challenges.

Than you. I wanna try to focus more on the good, on the pieces of corn in the rest of the pile of shit of my life so to speak lol xD

 

[novi.jpg]

Than you. I wanna try to focus more on the good, on the pieces of corn in the rest of the pile of shit of my life so to speak lol xD

You're welcome! It's great to hear that you want to focus on the positive aspects of your life. Emphasizing the "pieces of corn" amidst the challenges can indeed make a significant difference. It might be helpful to start small, like acknowledging one thing you're grateful for each day or taking a moment to enjoy something you like, whether it's a song, a piece of art, or a conversation with a friend. Over time, these small moments can add up and help shift your perspective. Remember, it's okay to have tough days too. Each step, no matter how small, is progress. Keep embracing those moments of joy and positivity in your life!

 

[Hikikomori1]

Can relate i am autistic too.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I feel similarly. Full disclosure: I'm currently pursing an autism diagnosis. I don't have any official diagnoses right now, but the screening results came back as "highly likely to be autistic + comorbidities," so for all intents and purposes I've reconciled that I'm probably autistic. On the one hand, I finally have an explanation for all the suffering I've been put through because I couldn't keep up with everyone else. On the other hand, I hate it and I wish I were just normal like everyone else. Black and white thinking + difficulties socializing has destroyed me and led me to really bad social groups. I hate only realizing after what I did wrong in a social situation, sometimes even years later. I hate being overstimulated by the smallest things, but also numb to my own emotions. I hate the brainfog and inability to concentrate on things, even things I want to enjoy or try (I want to learn to make art).

 

[scattymessyhuman]

Autism and a bunch of other mental disorders. I hate the way my brain processes information, it's so toxic, everything overwhelms me and pisses me off, performing the same OCD rituals over and over again and stressing over every noise and all my triggers for years, losing all my motivation and inspiration for art, not living just killing time as the saying goes, nobody taking it seriously.

And it's not even like it's constant suffering with nothing to redeem it. I have good happy moments, like listening to music and doing art or occasionally hanging out with a friend which I'm very lucky to have, but I have some panic attack and snowball and spiral and fuck it all up. Build something beautiful just to set it on fire. It's beyond exhausting. My mind goes numb and all foggy and clogged with pus and shit, my heart hurts and blood pressure spikes. Art doesn't provide any catharsis for any of this, it's my inability to focus on it that makes it so frustrating.

I miss reading and consuming art and just having love and inspiration and zest for life and everything just pouring out of me in torrents, when I could actually find joy and hope and color in everything. Now I'm just a husk rotting and stagnating and floating away. Not good at living nor suicide, just in the shitty spitroast of a tug of war in between.

Typing about it and posting about it does kinda help though I guess ;<

It's shit. Not enough help for us.

 

[Obliviate]

I also hate how tv shows and movies glorify autism that we're all "super power geniuses" like I literally can't do math in my head and have a sensory disorder, don't want to leave the house.............

 

[Install-Gentoo]

If only there were a way to prevent autism in the general population.
If only there were a way to prevent autism in the general population.

 

[aquasaltstripes]

If only there were a way to prevent autism in the general population.
If only there were a way to prevent autism in the general population.

Like what?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Like what?

There isn't...

 

[Install-Gentoo]

There isn't...

Autism is caused by genetic factors. By preventing autistic people from having kids, and preventing those with autistic children from having more, the disease would cease to propagate.

But unfortunately people made up this notion of "reproductive rights" where anyone can make a new person without proving they're responsible or worthy of it.

 

[ang3lz]

I really resonated with this :(

 

[ggetout33]

Autism is caused by genetic factors. By preventing autistic people from having kids, and preventing those with autistic children from having more, the disease would cease to propagate.

But unfortunately people made up this notion of "reproductive rights" where anyone can make a new person without proving they're responsible or worthy of it.

Well the nazis tried that and they failed. Secondly, while yes Autism wouldn't be as common, if memory serves there are plenty of times where two completely neurotypical people got together then the kid came out not-neurotypical. So Autism can still "develop" cause shit happens.

A lot of autistic people end up not wanting kids due to issues related to their autism anyways.

 

[Kit1]

Went to parents evening today. Not set up for autistic parents. It was chaotic, too much noise, strong lights, too many people and half baked conversations. Crawled out of there like someone had rinsed me out.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

I get you, The only thing I like is art. I wish I could get a job where I could just paint or something similar but those dont exist. And I am too dumb and have too low self esteem to try to sell my art on my own.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Autism is caused by genetic factors. By preventing autistic people from having kids, and preventing those with autistic children from having more, the disease would cease to propagate.

But unfortunately people made up this notion of "reproductive rights" where anyone can make a new person without proving they're responsible or worthy of it.

I hear what you're saying..but I find this a difficult topic. Who would be in charge of checking the people who are / aren't allowed to have children?
Autism can be discovered at a later age in life ( ex housemate was 38 when he got diagnosed) and there are so many different ' stages' of autism.
I knew I few who function a lot better than I do, and would be great parents.

If this would ever be a thing all mental problems should be taken in count. But what's next? Poor people? People who have a high chance to get diabetes or cancer?


So yes, i do think there should be more awareness of what a ( mental) illness could do to a child. But a controlled check up i find very creepy...

 

[YouAndMe]

Autism is caused by genetic factors. By preventing autistic people from having kids, and preventing those with autistic children from having more, the disease would cease to propagate.

But unfortunately people made up this notion of "reproductive rights" where anyone can make a new person without proving they're responsible or worthy of it.

Eugenics is an awful idea. I feel as someone autistic that people should make the system easier to accommodate for people as we all know it already is really horrible. Also as someone already said that autistic people already feel guilty for having this trait and most of them don't want kids. There is always adoption though :D

 

[unsaiddes]

Late diagnosed autistic adult here, and I understand 100%. Since the pandemic started, I graduated college, and got a full time WFH job where I sit in my room all day, I've involuntarily unmasked most of the autistic traits I spent my entire life concealing. I feel so incapable and unlikeable now. I suck at relationships and I can't "act normal" anymore for the life of me.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I agree. It's absolutely awful

 

[asteroidFren]

can relate, not having strong social abilities in an unwelcoming society is harsh...

 

[WiltedGirl]

I hate being socially neglected. I hate being bullied by people. I just want people to love me but instead I get ignored and bullied for having autism. it's almost like I set off the uncanny valley feeling in people when they look at me. What type of curse is that?

 

[Install-Gentoo]

Eugenics is an awful idea. I feel as someone autistic that people should make the system easier to accommodate for people as we all know it already is really horrible. Also as someone already said that autistic people already feel guilty for having this trait and most of them don't want kids. There is always adoption though :D

I understand making society more accessible for those in wheelchairs or the blind, etc.
But when people say "autistics can't handle life because of stigma and lack of accomodations", I have to wonder... Is it because of "stigma" that autistic people can't maintain daily hygiene, or manage a schedule?
I know you'll say "but many autistic people can function well", and that's because it's a "spectrum". What that really means is that autism very likely refers to 8 or more conditions that should be considered separate diseases independent from another, and yet they're all "autism". So yes, there are those with autism-labeled deficiencies that can function well. There are very many, however, who are completely debilitated and disabled where no amount of "accommodation" short of bending reality itself will allow these people to live a satisfactory life. These people are often not even self-aware (sapient).
Anyway, my point is: yes, accomodations for disabilities are good. But autism strictly has downsides, and there's no way around it. Autistic people suffer not because of stigma or whatever, but because of the disease itself.
Therefore, lowering the incidence of this disease is probably a good thing.

 

[grungy自殺]

I have it too, along side adhd, and i absolutely hate it like hell

 

[Cyndaquil]

I understand you, you feel that you are apart from this world. Terrible feeling.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I understand making society more accessible for those in wheelchairs or the blind, etc.
But when people say "autistics can't handle life because of stigma and lack of accomodations", I have to wonder... Is it because of "stigma" that autistic people can't maintain daily hygiene, or manage a schedule?
I know you'll say "but many autistic people can function well", and that's because it's a "spectrum". What that really means is that autism very likely refers to 8 or more conditions that should be considered separate diseases independent from another, and yet they're all "autism". So yes, there are those with autism-labeled deficiencies that can function well. There are very many, however, who are completely debilitated and disabled where no amount of "accommodation" short of bending reality itself will allow these people to live a satisfactory life. These people are often not even self-aware (sapient).
Anyway, my point is: yes, accomodations for disabilities are good. But autism strictly has downsides, and there's no way around it. Autistic people suffer not because of stigma or whatever, but because of the disease itself.
Therefore, lowering the incidence of this disease is probably a good thing.

You are correct; it is not simply a matter of societal attitudes when it comes to what makes this condition so debilitating and it is naive to think so.

 

[d3ad]

Autism and a bunch of other mental disorders. I hate the way my brain processes information, it's so toxic, everything overwhelms me and pisses me off, performing the same OCD rituals over and over again and stressing over every noise and all my triggers for years, losing all my motivation and inspiration for art, not living just killing time as the saying goes, nobody taking it seriously.

And it's not even like it's constant suffering with nothing to redeem it. I have good happy moments, like listening to music and doing art or occasionally hanging out with a friend which I'm very lucky to have, but I have some panic attack and snowball and spiral and fuck it all up. Build something beautiful just to set it on fire. It's beyond exhausting. My mind goes numb and all foggy and clogged with pus and shit, my heart hurts and blood pressure spikes. Art doesn't provide any catharsis for any of this, it's my inability to focus on it that makes it so frustrating.

I miss reading and consuming art and just having love and inspiration and zest for life and everything just pouring out of me in torrents, when I could actually find joy and hope and color in everything. Now I'm just a husk rotting and stagnating and floating away. Not good at living nor suicide, just in the shitty spitroast of a tug of war in between.

Typing about it and posting about it does kinda help though I guess ;<

Oh my god, I can relate. That is one of the reasons why I want to ctb.

 

[cursedbynature64]

I really don't understand how there are so many people who are "against a cure". I imagine for some people their symptoms are a lot more manageable, or if they somehow have a really good outlook on their life.

I can somewhat understand people who say something along the lines of "but that would remove a lot of my personality". Okay, I don't want to lose the part of me where I have my special interests, and being able to understand topics related to them quicker than on average. But please do take away the part where I can't socialize, was and always will be a social outcast, being unable to work or to go back to school without getting burned out super quickly, and having breakdowns at what is small or insignificant to everyone else.

If I didn't have autism, I doubt I'd want to ctb,

 

[sserafim]

Autism is caused by genetic factors. By preventing autistic people from having kids, and preventing those with autistic children from having more, the disease would cease to propagate.

But unfortunately people made up this notion of "reproductive rights" where anyone can make a new person without proving they're responsible or worthy of it.

Can't it be caused by mutations as well? The sad thing is that two totally normal parents could have an autistic child. Autism causes so much unnecessary suffering, it makes life so hard. It's basically like playing a video game on hard mode. I wish that this disease didn't even exist in the first place, it's made my life unnecessarily difficult for no reason. Autism is literally a curse with no cure. Sometimes I think that I must've been a terrible person in my past life or have some past life karma to have this condition in this life…