Venting I hate how I'm just perpetually circling the drain

[TenThousandTrees]

After years of despair in spite of every attempt to make my life better, I know there's nothing here in this world than can offer me lasting happiness. But I resent myself so much for being stuck in this limbo between a meaningful existence and death. I spend days and days looking to pull together all the pieces for a "peaceful" SN exist, but god knows if I'll even follow through. I didn't the last time I planned this out many years ago. Really, I could just go outside right now and fling myself in front of a car or ragdoll myself off the nearest building and be done with it all in a matter of minutes. Why can't I just do it? I guess it's my lizard brain's survival instinct, but this only helps me live, not live well. I'm anchored to this life by a primitive impulse in the deep pits of my psyche when the rest of my consciousness is filled with so much suffering.

I just hope some day I have the strength to break from this dissonance, one way or the other.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

My father quoted a verse from the bible to me that I'll never be able to forget. He said:

"You are neither cold nor hot because you are lukewarm, and neither hot not cold, I spit you out of my mouth."

Turns out, he was right.