Venting I hate how i look

[ruintention]

Im new here so im not familiar with slang and stuff but im really young and i want to kill myself because i genuinely think that one day someone's eyes will pop out of their sockets if they look at me for too long. Ive been told i think innovatively and that im smart but i think they're just telling me i have some schizo problems but thats not really a big deal to me , i dont care how fucked up the world or the people are i just really really really really hate how i look and everytime i look in a mirror i want to punch my face until its deformed. Im short im chubby , and my biggest problem is my face asymmetry. I despise my parents for letting me sleep on my left side when i was younger. I only go out for school. Every morning before I do , i'm not allowed make up so i cover up spots with this face paint i once used for drama class when i was rea;lly young , or white tooth paste , it works. But it still creates weird texture and you can tell my face isnt clear. My eyebrows are nicely shaped but balding so i fill them in, my hair is so pin straight and i'm losing it because i keep curling it. My lips are mid but i'd like them bigger. My nose is ok , except its TILTED TO THE RIGHT and that infuriates me so much since i can never look good in pictures. But , watch this , the WORST of it all is my face shape. I even notice it in the mirror. Left side is completely flat , but also puffy and longer , right side is sculpted , but lower. And it always looks like my head is tilted to the right. and my cheeks ARE SO FAT. WHen i smile i look like an scp. I have a dimple on left side , no dimple on other. I tape my face every morning, and pull back really tight. It leaves scars on the sides , and my face is getting wrinkly cuz ive been doing this for a year. Long story short : it doesnt help. It may look decent ish on the mirror , but on camera i look horrifying. I have no friends irl except my classmates and my cousin. My voice is so annoying and spiky. I just cant lose weight for the life of me. My mom is a drug addict living with her new boyfriend abroad and i can feel her rotting braincells , and my dad thinks hes built this amazing image with everyone. I almost never speak with him but i live with him , because when I do , im reminded that he;s just a horny 12 year old boy with no respect and he always manages to insult me in every way with our conversations. And im pretty sure hes a drug addict too. And my mom , i yell at her like children yell wishes to their wells. But i feel so comfortable with her too ,maybe because shes never paying attention and i can feel good when i know that everything said by her loses its meaning in 2 minutes. My parents were never married , 12 year difference. I cannot sleep at night. I havent slept well since the summer of 2018. I have quite a few talents like art , music , math , logic , innovation, organization , debate , philosophy , literature , writing , memory ,theatre ,.... But i am starting to forget how to do any of that and im just getting worse at them. Because im not even interested in any of that. Im good at it, but unlike my friends who have a life and plans for it, i genuinely find no interest in anything. I always feel like im just floating around people. Im very incredibly lazy and i have no will to do anything. I dont even know how i do good in school man. Like i have all As and A+ but for what ???? Since i was little , i expected so much from everyone and everything, Now im just disappointed in how little effect everything has. And i dont know if what i remember from when i was little is real. I had a huge imagination and i always lived in my own world , making up friends and stuff , so i have vivid memories of me running aroundforests and abandoned buildings with a fox , but i know thats not physically possible. I have no memory of anything else. And sometimes i see stuff. Like yesterday i almost sliced a finger off when i thought i saw a spider on me. And the week before, i thought i was petting a cat until my neighbour questioned me. In school , for fun , i start distorting my breathing and everything feels funny and i panic. My responses and thoughts on things usually form only to oppose the person speaking. I dont know why, i dont usually agree with what im thinking but since nobody else knows how to actually use their own head instead of following like sheep , i have to make it fun for myself. Everything feels so fake and so half assed. I dont think i even believe in planets. Often it feels that whatever im writing or creating is just so shallow and i just pretend its some deep ass abstract meaning when in reality its as deep as a road pond goes. But then everyone praises me and i cant begin to believe how stupid everything is. I have no idea what to do in my life , what to study , what to work. And you know what ??? I really dont give a shit about any of that !!!! Im sure id find my way through somehow. What i really care about is how deformed my scrunched face and my lump of a body looks. I am too scared to ctb because of what comes after. ANd im scared ill miss out on something. Im also scared my fat body will break the noose or outlast the poison or something , but i cant wait for all of this to end. I have a headache 24/7. Im sure i didnt even mention half the stuff happening. I just got off early off school today cuz of my chemistry competition and ive been extremely pissed this morning because i couldnt get the face tapes right. That lead me to completely despising everyone today and picking out all their flaws ( even if i usually try to like everything ). Im still so asocial and weird and i stand stiffly. Im so quickly bored , nothing amuses me, and i rapidly switch through emotions. It pisses me off that i cant believe in objective thinking. I cannot walk on the gray stripes of the crosswalks. My brain doesnt let me. And our country;s government is so fucked. Please help me.

 

[Givenuponlife]

Im new here so im not familiar with slang and stuff but im really young and i want to kill myself because i genuinely think that one day someone's eyes will pop out of their sockets if they look at me for too long. Ive been told i think innovatively and that im smart but i think they're just telling me i have some schizo problems but thats not really a big deal to me , i dont care how fucked up the world or the people are i just really really really really hate how i look and everytime i look in a mirror i want to punch my face until its deformed. Im short im chubby , and my biggest problem is my face asymmetry. I despise my parents for letting me sleep on my left side when i was younger. I only go out for school. Every morning before I do , i'm not allowed make up so i cover up spots with this face paint i once used for drama class when i was rea;lly young , or white tooth paste , it works. But it still creates weird texture and you can tell my face isnt clear. My eyebrows are nicely shaped but balding so i fill them in, my hair is so pin straight and i'm losing it because i keep curling it. My lips are mid but i'd like them bigger. My nose is ok , except its TILTED TO THE RIGHT and that infuriates me so much since i can never look good in pictures. But , watch this , the WORST of it all is my face shape. I even notice it in the mirror. Left side is completely flat , but also puffy and longer , right side is sculpted , but lower. And it always looks like my head is tilted to the right. and my cheeks ARE SO FAT. WHen i smile i look like an scp. I have a dimple on left side , no dimple on other. I tape my face every morning, and pull back really tight. It leaves scars on the sides , and my face is getting wrinkly cuz ive been doing this for a year. Long story short : it doesnt help. It may look decent ish on the mirror , but on camera i look horrifying. I have no friends irl except my classmates and my cousin. My voice is so annoying and spiky. I just cant lose weight for the life of me. My mom is a drug addict living with her new boyfriend abroad and i can feel her rotting braincells , and my dad thinks hes built this amazing image with everyone. I almost never speak with him but i live with him , because when I do , im reminded that he;s just a horny 12 year old boy with no respect and he always manages to insult me in every way with our conversations. And im pretty sure hes a drug addict too. And my mom , i yell at her like children yell wishes to their wells. But i feel so comfortable with her too ,maybe because shes never paying attention and i can feel good when i know that everything said by her loses its meaning in 2 minutes. My parents were never married , 12 year difference. I cannot sleep at night. I havent slept well since the summer of 2018. I have quite a few talents like art , music , math , logic , innovation, organization , debate , philosophy , literature , writing , memory ,theatre ,.... But i am starting to forget how to do any of that and im just getting worse at them. Because im not even interested in any of that. Im good at it, but unlike my friends who have a life and plans for it, i genuinely find no interest in anything. I always feel like im just floating around people. Im very incredibly lazy and i have no will to do anything. I dont even know how i do good in school man. Like i have all As and A+ but for what ???? Since i was little , i expected so much from everyone and everything, Now im just disappointed in how little effect everything has. And i dont know if what i remember from when i was little is real. I had a huge imagination and i always lived in my own world , making up friends and stuff , so i have vivid memories of me running aroundforests and abandoned buildings with a fox , but i know thats not physically possible. I have no memory of anything else. And sometimes i see stuff. Like yesterday i almost sliced a finger off when i thought i saw a spider on me. And the week before, i thought i was petting a cat until my neighbour questioned me. In school , for fun , i start distorting my breathing and everything feels funny and i panic. My responses and thoughts on things usually form only to oppose the person speaking. I dont know why, i dont usually agree with what im thinking but since nobody else knows how to actually use their own head instead of following like sheep , i have to make it fun for myself. Everything feels so fake and so half assed. I dont think i even believe in planets. Often it feels that whatever im writing or creating is just so shallow and i just pretend its some deep ass abstract meaning when in reality its as deep as a road pond goes. But then everyone praises me and i cant begin to believe how stupid everything is. I have no idea what to do in my life , what to study , what to work. And you know what ??? I really dont give a shit about any of that !!!! Im sure id find my way through somehow. What i really care about is how deformed my scrunched face and my lump of a body looks. I am too scared to ctb because of what comes after. ANd im scared ill miss out on something. Im also scared my fat body will break the noose or outlast the poison or something , but i cant wait for all of this to end. I have a headache 24/7. Im sure i didnt even mention half the stuff happening. I just got off early off school today cuz of my chemistry competition and ive been extremely pissed this morning because i couldnt get the face tapes right. That lead me to completely despising everyone today and picking out all their flaws ( even if i usually try to like everything ). Im still so asocial and weird and i stand stiffly. Im so quickly bored , nothing amuses me, and i rapidly switch through emotions. It pisses me off that i cant believe in objective thinking. I cannot walk on the gray stripes of the crosswalks. My brain doesnt let me. And our country;s government is so fucked. Please help me.

It sounds like your like you're in a miserable state.

If you're very young, then there is a chance you can pick things up. After all, you seem to be a good (high school?) student, so maybe you could leverage your talents to finding a good college/university to study at (or not if academics aren't your thing). If you don't know your trajectory, perhaps it might be worth thinking about where you'd like to go.

In terms of your other issues, relating to looks and parents, find a way to not be too hard on yourself and figure out a way of moving out from your parents when you're ready to do so.

I appreciate that I'm only a stranger on the internet and perhaps also not the best at giving advice, but I strongly recommend that you don't rush to make the most final decision of your life.

 

[manocsak]

I dunno how do you mean you are not allowed to makeup, but general skin tone makeups easy to get by easy to hide, and probably your dad won't even notice it, much better solution then taping your face (making it worse probably).

Looks aren't everything, and we live in an age of insta celebrities whom are look so fake they just makes me vomit all over my screen. People who will judge you by your looks are trash and always will be, the avg bald gymrat in a cabrio. And if I have to guess you don't look as terrible as you think.

It's a long process to find what you like about yourself, fix what you can, and be ok with yourself.

 

[ruintention]

It sounds like your like you're in a miserable state.

If you're very young, then there is a chance you can pick things up. After all, you seem to be a good (high school?) student, so maybe you could leverage your talents to finding a good college/university to study at (or not if academics aren't your thing). If you don't know your trajectory, perhaps it might be worth thinking about where you'd like to go.

In terms of your other issues, relating to looks and parents, find a way to not be too hard on yourself and figure out a way of moving out from your parents when you're ready to do so.

I appreciate that I'm only a stranger on the internet and perhaps also not the best at giving advice, but I strongly recommend that you don't rush to make the most final decision of your life.

Thank you , that's why im here haha to decide if things can go for better or not. I am in middle school , next year in hs but we have a different school system so id be in hs if i was in america or something. Ive decided where i want to go for hs but i can only pray that id develop an interest or id have to live such a dull life. Thank you again

I dunno how do you mean you are not allowed to makeup, but general skin tone makeups easy to get by easy to hide, and probably your dad won't even notice it, much better solution then taping your face (making it worse probably).

Looks aren't everything, and we live in an age of insta celebrities whom are look so fake they just makes me vomit all over my screen. People who will judge you by your looks are trash and always will be, the avg bald gymrat in a cabrio. And if I have to guess you don't look as terrible as you think.

It's a long process to find what you like about yourself, fix what you can, and be ok with yourself.

Thank you. My skin reacts terribly to make up and overall my dad threatens to throw me out if he finds something like that. Im managing to hide the tapes since they r small but i dont use them for coverage , only to pull my face back to make it slimmer and more symmetrical. I agree with you honestly , about the instagram ,, models " thing , since i dont really take liking of them. Im sure my body fat percentage is higher than my muscle one because i have eating periods that drastically change , thats why my face looks wobbly , which puts me below average. I strive for average , since i look at everyone in school and they all look naturally beautiful. Thank you again , i was super pissed when writing this but im willing to give it time haha.