Justaroguegear
Tired
- Mar 11, 2020
- 79
Something just happened that put me in a bad mood. Nothing that would affect other people much, it's a thing that happens all the time, but with my hypersensitivity it just disabled me for the rest of the day. I think it was like 2 hours ago, and I just managed to get out of bed (after I had to lie down to just "deal with it" if you can even call it that), I tried to play some video games or things I usually do, but my entire brain is just taken up by that one thing, Even if my mood improved, now all I would do is play or watch tv series and not stop until it's time to sleep. And I was supposed to do something productive today. In fact every day that is the plan, but how can I even do that when an arbitrary event just disables me every time, and the next time I'm in that situation I fuck it up again because last time was so bad that I have to be even more protective of my fragile ego and end up with the same result just with a different path. And after an episode like this I'm just happy to be able to pass time, and the productivity gets delayed, another thing happens and again I just did nothing for a week.
I can't do this, my reactions are way too extreme, and even if I know I don't usually feel this shitty, that other times I am even happy or feel good for an entire day almost, I am not making any progress and there is no cure, so yes I'm once again in the suicide ideation phase. I could be learning new skills, or build on existing ones, and I do think I have potential, nothing wrong with me otherwise, but I have BPD and that's just the worst. I could go to psychologist, I can go 3 times a month for free but what's even the point? Even if I worked on it actively it would take years to be "normal". And honestly it's wasted effort, by the time I'm all dried up and missed every opportunity I'll have the capacity to deal with failures. This one hurts the most. I already didn't care much to retire, it was always enjoy life until about 50 and then it's bye bye. If I didn't have to save for retirement then maybe those years I could have enjoyed. I thought I could do it and be somewhat successful despite the BPD shit, but obviously I can't, any little thing just disables me.
Next what will happen is I'll feel better in a bit, wake up next morning, and slowly remember this process, thinking it's a bit extreme, but slowly coming to the realization that even if this episode passed and I feel okay and I'll go work out and enjoy life a bit, the underlying idea that it will happen again many times will still be there. Then I'll be slowly taking steps to get my exit stuff together, and some time will pass and after another terrible day I'll make a plan and maybe I will go through with it maybe I won't, maybe something happens and I will be fine for months or even a year. But it will come back, it always does and I'll go through with it eventually. Maybe now maybe in the next cycle or the one after that... The sooner the better though. Logically I should cut it off asap since all I do is compound my suffering. If the end result is the same, why delay and add more suffering?
If you look through my history it's just an insane person ranting about shit all the time, but these really "negative" ones aren't even irrational it's just the truth, there's no holes in it. So what if the episode itself is irrational? So what if it could be alleviated? In 10 years? I don't care. Think I'll take death now.
I can't do this, my reactions are way too extreme, and even if I know I don't usually feel this shitty, that other times I am even happy or feel good for an entire day almost, I am not making any progress and there is no cure, so yes I'm once again in the suicide ideation phase. I could be learning new skills, or build on existing ones, and I do think I have potential, nothing wrong with me otherwise, but I have BPD and that's just the worst. I could go to psychologist, I can go 3 times a month for free but what's even the point? Even if I worked on it actively it would take years to be "normal". And honestly it's wasted effort, by the time I'm all dried up and missed every opportunity I'll have the capacity to deal with failures. This one hurts the most. I already didn't care much to retire, it was always enjoy life until about 50 and then it's bye bye. If I didn't have to save for retirement then maybe those years I could have enjoyed. I thought I could do it and be somewhat successful despite the BPD shit, but obviously I can't, any little thing just disables me.
Next what will happen is I'll feel better in a bit, wake up next morning, and slowly remember this process, thinking it's a bit extreme, but slowly coming to the realization that even if this episode passed and I feel okay and I'll go work out and enjoy life a bit, the underlying idea that it will happen again many times will still be there. Then I'll be slowly taking steps to get my exit stuff together, and some time will pass and after another terrible day I'll make a plan and maybe I will go through with it maybe I won't, maybe something happens and I will be fine for months or even a year. But it will come back, it always does and I'll go through with it eventually. Maybe now maybe in the next cycle or the one after that... The sooner the better though. Logically I should cut it off asap since all I do is compound my suffering. If the end result is the same, why delay and add more suffering?
If you look through my history it's just an insane person ranting about shit all the time, but these really "negative" ones aren't even irrational it's just the truth, there's no holes in it. So what if the episode itself is irrational? So what if it could be alleviated? In 10 years? I don't care. Think I'll take death now.
