stoneybologne
18F + BPD / CPTSD / ASD
- Jan 11, 2026
- 1
I want to get better, I've TRIED to get better, but it always leads to me getting worse.
For more context in November of 2025, shortly before I turned 18, I voluntarily went to a residential. I'm also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ptsd, & level 1 autism if that matters.
It wasn't the place itself that fucked me up, it was the fact I can NEVER be normal about people. I met a girl there and got unhealthily attached to her. She knew this, but kind of led me on? After she left everyone pointed out how she treated me was fucked up which is something I didn't even realize at the time. One night we had an argument which led to me sobbing for two hours straight while someone else comforted me the whole time, that girl ended up being my new favorite person and she has plans to visit me soon. I'm so unsure of everything right now. I have feelings for her, I want to tell her, but I cannot deal with rejection again. I got bullied all throughout my childhood, every crush I've had was never reciprocated, and all the people I've genuinely loved are no longer in my life. One of my friends told me I'm the reason they tell you not to make friends in the mental hospital. He was joking, but it still hurts because I know it's true!!!! She's kind, she's understanding, she comforted me for 2 hours straight, she's the first one who brought up visiting, she defends me, she actually treats me well, she does all these things for me. and i'm just me. I'm an absolute wreck. I'm weird. I'm gross. I'm the worst. I don't know what she sees in me. I'll never meet anyone better and if she leaves I think it would genuinely kill me. I just want to be better for her. I want to be kind, I want to recover, I want to be a good person. I'll never achieve any of that. If it was up to me I would be dead right now, but growing up evangelical ruined that for me.
I somewhat already gave up on what I have with her. she's usually busy and I'm not going to constantly beg her to text me back. I want it to be her choice. I'm not going to drag her down with me. I know I'm hard to be around and I'm not going to subject someone I love to this. I already tried to block her, but I unblocked her an hour later because I just couldn't do it. She was understanding even about that and I hate it. I want her to yell at me or do something that makes it easier for me to move on. she already knows she's my favorite person and about my BPD, but I think my feelings will ruin everything. I don't know what I'm gonna do about those. I know it all sounds stupid, but she's all I can think about anymore.
For more context in November of 2025, shortly before I turned 18, I voluntarily went to a residential. I'm also diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, ptsd, & level 1 autism if that matters.
It wasn't the place itself that fucked me up, it was the fact I can NEVER be normal about people. I met a girl there and got unhealthily attached to her. She knew this, but kind of led me on? After she left everyone pointed out how she treated me was fucked up which is something I didn't even realize at the time. One night we had an argument which led to me sobbing for two hours straight while someone else comforted me the whole time, that girl ended up being my new favorite person and she has plans to visit me soon. I'm so unsure of everything right now. I have feelings for her, I want to tell her, but I cannot deal with rejection again. I got bullied all throughout my childhood, every crush I've had was never reciprocated, and all the people I've genuinely loved are no longer in my life. One of my friends told me I'm the reason they tell you not to make friends in the mental hospital. He was joking, but it still hurts because I know it's true!!!! She's kind, she's understanding, she comforted me for 2 hours straight, she's the first one who brought up visiting, she defends me, she actually treats me well, she does all these things for me. and i'm just me. I'm an absolute wreck. I'm weird. I'm gross. I'm the worst. I don't know what she sees in me. I'll never meet anyone better and if she leaves I think it would genuinely kill me. I just want to be better for her. I want to be kind, I want to recover, I want to be a good person. I'll never achieve any of that. If it was up to me I would be dead right now, but growing up evangelical ruined that for me.
I somewhat already gave up on what I have with her. she's usually busy and I'm not going to constantly beg her to text me back. I want it to be her choice. I'm not going to drag her down with me. I know I'm hard to be around and I'm not going to subject someone I love to this. I already tried to block her, but I unblocked her an hour later because I just couldn't do it. She was understanding even about that and I hate it. I want her to yell at me or do something that makes it easier for me to move on. she already knows she's my favorite person and about my BPD, but I think my feelings will ruin everything. I don't know what I'm gonna do about those. I know it all sounds stupid, but she's all I can think about anymore.
