girlwitharose
Take my soul back home
- Apr 8, 2023
- 17
Hi SS. my first post on here. i've been stalking this website for about a month now and decided to join finally. So, let's start with the venting. When i was around 9, i moved from my hometown to a tiny area about 50 miles away. My father hated the area. I switched to a new school for finishing 4th grade, at the last quarter. It seemed to be well, i was the new kid, everyone seemed nice, and it was a fun place to be at the time. 5th grade starts and my math teacher turned my school life there into hell. It was a spanish speaking school and i was trying to learn it, only knowing basic words. She would describe the directions in spanish only and then yell at me for not understanding or doing any work. Mind you i was new, socially awkward, and didn't know anybody. She made it clear when she had favorites, i clearly wasn't. She would yell at me for "talking" when really i was doing my work. She would call my parents and say i'm misbehaving a lot and when i would get home my mom would beat me. She made it clear if she thought you were dumb. She didn't hesitate to humiliate her non-favourites. I switched to a different school for 6th grade. My teachers there were all nice but that's when my mom started beating me more often. She once beat me by: I was supposed to call a store and ask what time they were closing because my mom wouldn't let me just check the front page, and when i wouldn't because i was socially awkward, i was sitting in the couch and she grabbed my hair and while yelling at me jerked my head back and forth, making me nearly fall off the couch before yanking me back up. Hurt like hell and i was shaking in fear and pain after. 7-8 grade i was homeschooled. I had a phone then and was often messaging older men, perverts, for attention because my parents always ignored me. My dad was rarely home and when he was, got home late and left really early. My mom never paid attention to me. I would talk to the men for attention even if what they wanted were photos of myself. I did anything they wanted because at least i was getting attention that i so desperately yearned to have from my parents . My mom found out and beat me. She threw me out of the house in the middle of october with me living in the north. My dad who was home at the time let me in. My mom gave me the silent treatment for almost a month. She found out again a year later, and didn't beat me this time but yelled at me until 4am, she found out at 9pm. Third time was 9th grade, October 29. Right after my Halloween Party. She whipped me with wires and i had welts on my back and legs. She hit me with anything. Then we wrestled a bit until she threw me outside in the snow. she knelt down on my legs and wrapped one hand around my neck and slapped and hit me with the other. Finally i managed to escape from her. But once back inside she continued to hit me. Also in 9-10th grade, i was bullied. I was often told i was a slut and would send pictures to anyone. I would be pushed and hit, i was annoying, it would be better without me, i was the ugliest person theyd ever seen, kill myself, etc. 11-12grade was fine. Recently it was mother's day. I tried to do something nice for my mom but all she did was complain and yell at me. I hated it but despite it i still made her a wine bouquet. I have 2 failed attempts, one i tried OD but i just woke up in my own vomit with a massive stomachache and headache. I tried hanging the second time and it snapped. I've struggled with anorexia and body image since i was 12 also. I remember first wanting to die at 8. My boyfriend who i've been dating since freshman (9th) year openly admitted to me that he likes his friend, and she told me too but then she unfriended him. He said he loves me but doesn't prove it. When we're out with his friends, he always leaves me behind to go hang out with them. Often times it's almost half an hour or longer before he realizes and asks where am I? I'm sick of him and he always says he'll change but doesn't. I do love him though and don't wanna break up. I feel like my life has nothing ahead. All i've been is a punching bag and a useless nobody. I have no worth. It seems nothing lies ahead for me and I want to kill myself. I hate my life so much.
