meowmentous
trying to survive
- Apr 7, 2025
- 58
Please be warned that this is just a massive rant: a massive rant that is all ramble. I just need to get out my emotions, lol.
Haven't posted in a bit. But woke up today from a message from my boyfriend. Turns out, his family doesn't like me— his mom thinks I'm dead weight and his sister thinks I'm overly sensitive, so that's great.
Why, you may ask? Because I'm currently a cashier and when I went on vacation with them, I called my mom every day and cried at her once or twice. Because I was on a cruise ship, in the middle of the ocean. Going to other countries. I've never left the country before. I felt like I had a right to be a little anxious at that and wanting to check in on my pets and my family. I'm also just saving up money to go to college. He says he doesn't believe what they're saying, but he knows they're feeding it to him.
Speaking of college, then my boyfriend mentions he's going to move out of the state. Which sucks, because he knows that I'm almost about to accept going into a Radiography Tech program, which I've been wanting to do for about two years now. Where we'd be moving to, there'd be no open admissions in the area— and I just want to do the thing I see myself doing. That I believe I will love doing.
He already told me he'd break up with me if I don't move in with me. So I feel like a rock in a hard place.
But maybe I shouldn't really think about that knowing he forgot my birthday (not just that it was my birthday, but the date of it, saying he 'thought it was later'). And sometimes continues to misgender me (because even though I tell him to call me my legal name around my family, it still sometimes slips when we're alone, or even texting. I've been going by they/them pronouns for the entire time around him— and we've known each other for three years. Sometimes I feel like it's more just forgetting that I am not a girl, and less that he's forgetting that he's not around my family anymore).
I just don't know what to do. He knows I suffer from depression and anxiety, hence why I feel like my anxious calls to my mom are reasonable. Especially since I never went on a cruise before. Nor been out of the country. But his sister equated that with saying 'if I move in with him, will I be doing that every day?'. I don't know about you, but being in the middle of the ocean does not equate to being on land in the same country. Maybe I'm being irrational, lol. It does come with anxiety.
Also he's allergic to cats. I have one cat who is a senior. The only thing I ever expressed worry over moving was her, because she's elderly, and I'm her human. I've had her in my life for 10 years and I can't just leave her. And look, I get it: he's allergic. That's not what I'm upset about, you can't control allergies. It was him saying that he believes she'll be fine because his dogs, one of which is elderly, are okay while he's away at college. I get where he's coming from, I do! But I feel this way about my pet and as I said, I am her human. She only jumps on me, kneeds on me, lays on my bed, purr whenever I pet her. We've known each other for 10 years.
I don't know. Those last three paragraphs are too ranty, I know. I just don't know what to do to continue with my life and wanting to be a RadTech, if I don't CBT, lol. He knows about my suicidal ideation as well and has even had to talk me down. And also saying that if I don't get better he'd break up with me— which I get, but that did hurt in the moment when I was opening up to him, but that's besides the point. I just don't know if I take the chance and leave with him, or end this one+ year relationship. We've been to two concerts. He's slept over. I've been on a cruise with him. We've been to Disney and another amusement park. We've done so much together, and I originally planned on moving with him, but knowing this opportunity is in my grasps now, as I've had conversations with the admission advisor and got a tour of the place, and I already have one associates degree so I may not have to take an entrance exam nor will I have to pay as much… I don't know what to do. I just really don't know what to do, haha. Sorry this was so much.
Haven't posted in a bit. But woke up today from a message from my boyfriend. Turns out, his family doesn't like me— his mom thinks I'm dead weight and his sister thinks I'm overly sensitive, so that's great.
Why, you may ask? Because I'm currently a cashier and when I went on vacation with them, I called my mom every day and cried at her once or twice. Because I was on a cruise ship, in the middle of the ocean. Going to other countries. I've never left the country before. I felt like I had a right to be a little anxious at that and wanting to check in on my pets and my family. I'm also just saving up money to go to college. He says he doesn't believe what they're saying, but he knows they're feeding it to him.
Speaking of college, then my boyfriend mentions he's going to move out of the state. Which sucks, because he knows that I'm almost about to accept going into a Radiography Tech program, which I've been wanting to do for about two years now. Where we'd be moving to, there'd be no open admissions in the area— and I just want to do the thing I see myself doing. That I believe I will love doing.
He already told me he'd break up with me if I don't move in with me. So I feel like a rock in a hard place.
But maybe I shouldn't really think about that knowing he forgot my birthday (not just that it was my birthday, but the date of it, saying he 'thought it was later'). And sometimes continues to misgender me (because even though I tell him to call me my legal name around my family, it still sometimes slips when we're alone, or even texting. I've been going by they/them pronouns for the entire time around him— and we've known each other for three years. Sometimes I feel like it's more just forgetting that I am not a girl, and less that he's forgetting that he's not around my family anymore).
I just don't know what to do. He knows I suffer from depression and anxiety, hence why I feel like my anxious calls to my mom are reasonable. Especially since I never went on a cruise before. Nor been out of the country. But his sister equated that with saying 'if I move in with him, will I be doing that every day?'. I don't know about you, but being in the middle of the ocean does not equate to being on land in the same country. Maybe I'm being irrational, lol. It does come with anxiety.
Also he's allergic to cats. I have one cat who is a senior. The only thing I ever expressed worry over moving was her, because she's elderly, and I'm her human. I've had her in my life for 10 years and I can't just leave her. And look, I get it: he's allergic. That's not what I'm upset about, you can't control allergies. It was him saying that he believes she'll be fine because his dogs, one of which is elderly, are okay while he's away at college. I get where he's coming from, I do! But I feel this way about my pet and as I said, I am her human. She only jumps on me, kneeds on me, lays on my bed, purr whenever I pet her. We've known each other for 10 years.
I don't know. Those last three paragraphs are too ranty, I know. I just don't know what to do to continue with my life and wanting to be a RadTech, if I don't CBT, lol. He knows about my suicidal ideation as well and has even had to talk me down. And also saying that if I don't get better he'd break up with me— which I get, but that did hurt in the moment when I was opening up to him, but that's besides the point. I just don't know if I take the chance and leave with him, or end this one+ year relationship. We've been to two concerts. He's slept over. I've been on a cruise with him. We've been to Disney and another amusement park. We've done so much together, and I originally planned on moving with him, but knowing this opportunity is in my grasps now, as I've had conversations with the admission advisor and got a tour of the place, and I already have one associates degree so I may not have to take an entrance exam nor will I have to pay as much… I don't know what to do. I just really don't know what to do, haha. Sorry this was so much.
