Venting I hate being Gay

[Gaga786]

It's one of the reasons why I wish to CTB. I absolutely hate it. It's as if no matter what I do, I will never be accepted by my family. After many times and trials to convince me to be straight - to prayers that God will transform my sexuality. I wish I really was born straight. Atleast, I could have looked forward to marriage and having children. I just feel so out of place, I wish I had a choice because I didn't ask for it

 

[TraveCuda]

It's really hard, I'm a trans woman and it has been 6 years since I assumed it. I didn't have family support, neither friends. But Im alive so I guess it means it's possible to survive for at least 6 years...
I really wish I could clear your head and organize your thoughts better, but I'm willing to die too.
It would be great if it worked to say "we deserve to live, to be accepted, to be respected and to have a support network", but the way rejection hits us can be brutal indeed.

 

[chronicphysicalpain]

You can't choose not to be gay or trans.

If your family will reject you as you are, maybe they're the ones that shoulded be feeling bad about it. They're the ones actually disloyal to you, as they actually could choose not being assholes.

Do your best to find new close people to you if it can't be solved.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

It's really hard, I'm a trans woman and it has been 6 years since I assumed it. I didn't have family support, neither friends. But Im alive so I guess it means it's possible to survive for at least 6 years...
I really wish I could clear your head and organize your thoughts better, but I'm willing to die too.
It would be great if it worked to say "we deserve to live, to be accepted, to be respected and to have a support network", but the way rejection hits us can be brutal indeed.

Brazil still needs to improve a lot in terms of trans rights, respect and recognition..

in what state do you live here?

you deserve every good thing in life, and you deserve to be happy. cheers

I wish I really was born straight.

trying to control uncontrollabe things, is not worth it, I think. IMO you should practice radical self-acceptance, then eventually you're naturally gonna find people who accept you too - they can become your true family.

 

[TraveCuda]

I live in SLZ/MA, and u? And how do u know im brazilian? Haha

in what state do you live here?

IMO you should practice radical self-acceptance

I agree with you! Radical acceptance produces awesome results in life quality <3 it can be useful to search for texts about it or to search for professionals who can help you to develop this ability in your life!

 

[BerriGirl]

I am trans also and I wonder why I have to be this way. It cost me everything. I'm jealous of normal people. I know what you mean OP.

 

[Sakura94]

I'm trans but always been attracted to guys so not had that issue.
Is it the feeling of not being in control of your destiny (to get married ect) or the lack of acceptance that's worse for you?

 

[Worndown]

Some families cannot accept reality, whatever it may be. Can you get by without them playing an active role in your life? Work the life you have.

 

[kindawannacrylol]

I feel the same way, acceptance from the LGBT community only exists on a large scale, but within families and communities homophobia is rampant. I'm a lesbian and I wish I was straight, life could be so much better and i'd be able to have the family I've always wanted

 

[Worndown]

You are able to live the life you want. It does take persistence, stability and a plan. I do not know your age but this might not be attainable right now. That is true for everyone regardless their preference.

 

[wait.what]

They're the ones actually disloyal to you, as they actually could choose not being assholes.

Do your best to find new close people to you if it can't be solved.

Why don't churches perform exorcisms on people who are just mean sons of bitches? Jesus literally had nothing to say about anybody's gender or sexual orientation. He had a lot to say about the cruelty some people dump on their sibs and neighbors, though. He wasn't a fan.

I totally agree that chosen family are as precious as people you happen to share genetics with. More so, a lot of the time.

Knowing you're "on the right side of history" (as some U.S. politicians like to say) is pretty useless if you're running the risk of being murdered every day, though. Not all of us can just sever ties to our toxic relatives or pack up and leave the hateful regions where we were born, either. There can be lots of reasons, from being too disabled to live alone, to being unable to find work someplace better, to not being accorded enough civil rights to make any meaningful choices for yourself at all.

So yeah, I see you, suicidal LGBTQ+ folks.

For the record, I am both gay and trans, which doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother any close family members or most of the immediate community where I live. (I am in the U.S. though, which should be all I need to say about that.)

I'm chronically suicidal for the usual sorts of reasons: genetic vulnerability plus being raised in a family that has a ton of mood disorders and substance abuse problems, for the most part. I can't say it helps to always have to worry about whether I'm going to get my teeth punched out for the terrible crime of using a public restroom. It doesn't. But honestly, being LGBTQ+ is among my lesser problems.

It's worth mentioning because people should be aware that depression and suicidality are not an innate part of being LGBTQ+. I have relatives who are confused on that point, even though they have the same genetics and family environment that I do, the same mental health problems that I do, and they're cisgender and heterosexual. But clearly, my "real" issue is that I'm queer.

 

[Idontmatter]

My mother wasn't religious when i was growing up but she taught hme to hate myself because I was gay. When I was a teenager she would say how sick and disgusting gay people were. She knew my brother was gay but not me. She asked me point blank if I was gay and I had to say no. If I said yes I probably would have been on the streets. I hold a big grudge against my mother all these years later because of it. I was so depressed as a teenager and had no one to talk to and to be honest with. It took me years to be comfortable with being gay. I'm now 45. Now I'm married to a great man. My depression and anxiety never got better though. Now I'm tired of fighting and will be ending my life but I think back, if I had a better childhood , would I be in this position mentally that I'm in now? Being a gay teenager in the 90s like I was wasn't fun. Hell I was called faggot in high school and people didn't even know I was gay. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I didn't have any one to talk to back then and if I did maybe it would have helped.

 

[Worndown]

My mother wasn't religious when i was growing up but she taught hme to hate myself because I was gay. When I was a teenager she would say how sick and disgusting gay people were. She knew my brother was gay but not me. She asked me point blank if I was gay and I had to say no. If I said yes I probably would have been on the streets. I hold a big grudge against my mother all these years later because of it. I was so depressed as a teenager and had no one to talk to and to be honest with. It took me years to be comfortable with being gay. I'm now 45. Now I'm married to a great man. My depression and anxiety never got better though. Now I'm tired of fighting and will be ending my life but I think back, if I had a better childhood , would I be in this position mentally that I'm in now? Being a gay teenager in the 90s like I was wasn't fun. Hell I was called faggot in high school and people didn't even know I was gay. I'm sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk feel free to message me. I didn't have any one to talk to back then and if I did maybe it would have helped.

Can you look at the positives and successes of your life and see that you conquered some of the ignorance in this world? I do not doubt that your youth was tougher than what the average teen experiences. It does appear you made a good life for yourself. You should feel good about that.
Some families are unbelievably unsupportive. Can you look beyond them and see yourself as a success?

 

[Idontmatter]

I agree I did conquer a lot. My problem now is my depression. It is so bad and treatments don't work. Im out of options

 

[Worndown]

I am glad you know the problem. I am sorry there has not been a successful treatment option. I hope you find the path that works best for you.

 

[wait.what]

Can we not derail Gaga786's thread with "if they can say ______, why can't I say ______??" We've got a whole "off topic/philosophy and politics" forum for that.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

It's one of the reasons why I wish to CTB. I absolutely hate it. It's as if no matter what I do, I will never be accepted by my family. After many times and trials to convince me to be straight - to prayers that God will transform my sexuality. I wish I really was born straight. Atleast, I could have looked forward to marriage and having children. I just feel so out of place, I wish I had a choice because I didn't ask for it

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. There isn't anything wrong with being gay. As someone mentioned, family can be the people you choose. There are organizations that can help. I don't know which one is the best but you can Google them. There should be support groups in your area. Especially in bigger cities.
There are also threads on here that may help. I don't remember the names but they should come up by searching.

Anyway I hope you are doing well. Take care.

 

[StruggleWithin]

It's one of the reasons why I wish to CTB. I absolutely hate it. It's as if no matter what I do, I will never be accepted by my family. After many times and trials to convince me to be straight - to prayers that God will transform my sexuality. I wish I really was born straight. Atleast, I could have looked forward to marriage and having children. I just feel so out of place, I wish I had a choice because I didn't ask for it

I used to want to hire a hypnotist to make me re-forget the knowledge that I wasn't a heteronormative cis gender person that I thought I was. All the things that I feared would happen if anyone found out have happened. Lost friends, got divorced and lost my family, my mother repeatedly rejected my truth. So I get where you are coming from. I don't hate who I am, but I don't like it (probably never will) and yet I can't change it. I wish I could…if wishes were horses…but it is what it is. It's like living with SI, it's always there an exit plan in the background of my mind just waiting for the "right" time to be put in action. DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) really helped me. It's like a class/course that meets weekly for several weeks/a couple months. In it is the useful skill that was mentioned in this post, Radical Acceptance, and many other skills. I want to say it gets better or easier but that's not always true; so I'll just say, you do you. Whatever however that looks.

 

[BerriGirl]

I just found out my brother in law's brother killed himself because he couldn't face his family to transition. Idk why nobody told him to talk to me. Probably because the fam hates having one trans already. I can imagine him overhearing or having messed up convos about me and what trouble I've caused for everyone.

 

[makethepainstop]

It's one of the reasons why I wish to CTB. I absolutely hate it. It's as if no matter what I do, I will never be accepted by my family. After many times and trials to convince me to be straight - to prayers that God will transform my sexuality. I wish I really was born straight. Atleast, I could have looked forward to marriage and having children. I just feel so out of place, I wish I had a choice because I didn't ask for it

My poor poor brother or sister. No matter who you are, somewhere, someone is going to hate you. I prayed to God for decades to make me straight, never happened. There are people who say being gay is a choice, they are telling on themselves. For gay to be a choice, one must be bisexual. So those people are just outing themselves for being bi. Then there are the religious nut cases. Because someone wrote down a bunch of obvious hallucinations, and some one else pronounced them to be holy, and added to the text doesn't make religion true. Naturally he who writes the religious text gets to put into it what he feels to be right. Naturally other uneducated illiterate peasants time would have thought a bic lighter was some type of miracle, straight from the very bosom of God. You and I would know the bic lighter wasn't from God,but Walmart. Primitive goat and camel herders, needed to be kept in line. Monarchs and tribal chieftains used religion as a control system. Those same religious nut cases swear that God cannot make an error. Therefore by their own primitive beliefs, they are unmasked. So if God is perfect,then gay people are here as God created them too. Remember those pious idiots said God cannot make an error. Then you have different brands of religious nuttiness. Which God do they worship, Christ there must be thousands of God's. I always liked viking God's, lot of big muscly blonds and red heads. Hallajujah, I believe, I believe. Let me worship Thor, a big red haired bad ass hunk! Anyhow don't let em get under your skin, those people love to talk about gays. Either they are getting off thinking about gays or they are thinking about doing what gays do to their wives. You seldom hear about straight hetro couples and kinky things THEY like to do. Much love to y'all.