I hate being "alive"

[Livingvsdying25]

Yesterday I got some shitty news around finances. Like I got rejected from getting a subsidy.

Honestly, finances for me are FUCKED. but I'm figuring that out for March. I'm not even that upset about it honestly.

I am upset at just being alive like this. I'm just faking it. I just do what needs to be done snd whatever. When I'm sad and it's really got to me I just do something else like cook or whatever.

This isn't me "coping" it is literally just ignoring my feelings. I can't do anything about my life like dying rn. So instead of having feelings, I can't deal with I just do something else.


I'm getting pretty good at it too. Sometimes I break down tho bc its just too much. I have so much pain and nowhere to put it. & I really just wanna put it into dying tbh

Which makes me question if I really care about the amount of pain I go through when I CTB... Which would drastically change mt method & time frame ...


I want/NEED to get the materials soon. I really do. I keep trying to maybe place myself into life again and I don't want it.

Yesterday was a breakdown day and honestly, I can only pick myself up so far from this bc I'm not really alive lol it is just a mediocre half-ass faking.

Most of the faking didn't even for me. In sad so send some hearts and good vibes. I really need the strength to keep going so I can die "uncomfortably"

Not on a bridge on a crappy cold day.

Also am glad this place exists for me. No one understands and talking all the time and no one hears you os soo awful.

So I'm glad I can write here and be heard...

Just trying to recover from a recent breakdown.

I can't give off heavy suicidal vibes here or anything. It risks my housing so.

(ps. I'm sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes is I tried but really not in the good to fix it all. If something cannot be understood plz let me know.

 

[TheOA]

I understand.

Today is a breakdown day for me as well. I can feel it brewing.

I literally hate this world and that I am sorry enough to have to be a part of it.

What did I do in my prior life that was so horrendous as to be sent to this planet?

I turn to SS on days like this and it pulls me through. I have begun ordering poisonous plant tinctures and oils to make my spirit release blend.

I am done with this game. Period.

Be well my friend; your frustrations are the same that I carry.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Yesterday I got some shitty news around finances. Like I got rejected from getting a subsidy.

Honestly, finances for me are FUCKED. but I'm figuring that out for March. I'm not even that upset about it honestly.

I am upset at just being alive like this. I'm just faking it. I just do what needs to be done snd whatever. When I'm sad and it's really got to me I just do something else like cook or whatever.

This isn't me "coping" it is literally just ignoring my feelings. I can't do anything about my life like dying rn. So instead of having feelings, I can't deal with I just do something else.


I'm getting pretty good at it too. Sometimes I break down tho bc its just too much. I have so much pain and nowhere to put it. & I really just wanna put it into dying tbh

Which makes me question if I really care about the amount of pain I go through when I CTB... Which would drastically change mt method & time frame ...


I want/NEED to get the materials soon. I really do. I keep trying to maybe place myself into life again and I don't want it.

Yesterday was a breakdown day and honestly, I can only pick myself up so far from this bc I'm not really alive lol it is just a mediocre half-ass faking.

Most of the faking didn't even for me. In sad so send some hearts and good vibes. I really need the strength to keep going so I can die "uncomfortably"

Not on a bridge on a crappy cold day.

Also am glad this place exists for me. No one understands and talking all the time and no one hears you os soo awful.

So I'm glad I can write here and be heard...

Just trying to recover from a recent breakdown.

I can't give off heavy suicidal vibes here or anything. It risks my housing so.

(ps. I'm sorry for all the grammar and spelling mistakes is I tried but really not in the good to fix it all. If something cannot be understood plz let me know.

Bc of my eating disorders & I guess.my general. feelings about life & other shit... I basically run on willpower alone. So when I'm down it's like my body collapses as well.

I'm I have to get up... I'm like so dreading having to be in the real world fakin it.
It sounds terrible ok but if rather just be far off somewhere else in my mind. That's why I drink sometimes... I hate being alive.

Maladaptive daydreaming. I prefer it to having to be out fakin it. I'm tired of faking things but what makes me even more tired....
is that there isn't ever going to be relief. I have to keep up something to get anywhere life or death so.

I'm gonna get up soon even do my makeup. Just bc if Ima do it might as well do it well/to the fullest I can manage.