Some place nice
This world makes me sick
- Oct 18, 2023
- 468
I had love, we would plan our future. They went off of thier med the night before they came down to see me. All they would talk about was holding my hands and cuddling me everywhere. When they came down they held my hand and cuddled me and we slept most of the day like that. We were happy, but the next morning I asked for thier hand. They acted like I was gonna cut off their hand. All i wanted to do was hold their hand and kiss it. I asked if they don't like to be touched and they said no. The complete opposite of what they were acting like over the phone and one the first day. I just told myself that they are going through a hard time rn.The evening of the second day we were back to pack while they were on the phone. I really wanted to cuddle but knew that they don't like to be touched so I just cuddled my pillow but, they would roll over and rub my back and ask if I were good every now and then. Than when they got off the phone they turned towards me and watched a video and fell asleep so i turned off the lights. 5 minutes later they grabbed me and pulled me into them. At 3 am we went to a gas station and they told me over text while next to me that we should just be friends and that they needed a friend more rn. I told them that I understood and told them that I was good. I wasn't but I was willing to wait for them. They left yesterday... Today they told me "hey, don't feel bad if you have more feelings, its okay, I'm just not okay." So ig they don't love me anymore. I don't think I'll wait till they fully leave me. I cant handle knowing that the love of my life, the person that helped plan our life together, is gonna leave. I told them that I wouldn't ctb but its not like a partner just falls on my lap. That was my first actual relationship. I don't get that love like normal people, I don't get love at all. They don't understand that, they don't understand why I don't want friends either. They told me that I was pushy but they are being really pushy about stuff I wish they'd drop. I have a shit ton of lethal pills tho idk when I'll ctb but ik I will. Maybe after thier withdrawals end so they are in a better state of mind. I love them with everything that I am and I don't want to hurt them while their already down. Ig I should dig my notes out of the trash and save them for when I ctb.
