I guess I’m allowed to have mixed feelings towards an abuser?

[Water-Lily]

In many ways, my moms death brought a lot of good for me

I have the freedom to do what I want, make my own independent choices, and create my identity to how I like it

But, a loss is still a loss. Even when they person harmed you in many ways, especially if they had actions that could be considered loving, it's hard not to grieve. Greiving what you wish you had, what you lost, and everything in between

I've had people judge ne, saying any loving feelings I have for her are just the "trauma talking". That I need to get it through my head there was no love there. And maybe I'm the wrong one, but I can't believe that. Maybe it's that I don't want to, but I don't know

I still think of when she happily bought me new super Mario bros for DS back in 2006. How my parents watched over me as I smiled at the game. Maybe she had narcissistic intentions and didn't actually care but I did feel happy in the moment. I guess I'll never know

I also think of how Jeanette mccurdy wrote that book about being glad her mom died. Maybe it's because she healed farther than I Did (not to mention cutting contact with her family while I'm still enmeshed) but I don't know if I can be like her fully

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you should feel whatever you need to feel. You knew your relationship with her the best. Maybe these people are doing it for the right reasons. Maybe they feel like you'll get over the loss quicker this way. Personally- I hate it when people try and tell you how to feel though. Worse- that what you're feeling is somehow 'wrong'. ESPECIALLY when it comes to grief- because that's such a deep, private feeling.

ALL relationships are complicated. Most people have good points and bad points. I guess the tendancy is for people to drum up someone's good points when they pass. Still- it doesn't sound like you've become all delussional about who your Mum was. Why would it hurt to remember a few of those better times with fondness? What good will it do you to hate her?!! Sounds like you have a good grasp of who she was- a flawed human being- like all of us. Doesn't necessarily mean it was her 'fault'- although it sounds like she probably should have done better. Doesn't necessarily mean that she didn't love you in her own way- or, that she at least tried now and again. It sounds like you do have bad experiences that you have every right to blame on her too though. She very likely was wrong in some things and right in others. I guess we can never be entirely sure of someone's motivations.

Like you say though- grief and loss are complicated. There's a whole mixture of feelings. It doesn't sound like you're delluding yourself though- so- I don't see why you shouldn't feel them all. I lost my Mum too by the way but I don't remember her at all (I was 3.)

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you should feel whatever you need to feel. You knew your relationship with her the best. Maybe these people are doing it for the right reasons. Maybe they feel like you'll get over the loss quicker this way. Personally- I hate it when people try and tell you how to feel though. Worse- that what you're feeling is somehow 'wrong'. ESPECIALLY when it comes to grief- because that's such a deep, private feeling.

ALL relationships are complicated. Most people have good points and bad points. I guess the tendancy is for people to drum up someone's good points when they pass. Still- it doesn't sound like you've become all delussional about who your Mum was. Why would it hurt to remember a few of those better times with fondness? What good will it do you to hate her?!! Sounds like you have a good grasp of who she was- a flawed human being- like all of us. Doesn't necessarily mean it was her 'fault'- although it sounds like she probably should have done better. Doesn't necessarily mean that she didn't love you in her own way- or, that she at least tried now and again. It sounds like you do have bad experiences that you have every right to blame on her too though. She very likely was wrong in some things and right in others. I guess we can never be entirely sure of someone's motivations.

Like you say though- grief and loss are complicated. There's a whole mixture of feelings. It doesn't sound like you're delluding yourself though- so- I don't see why you shouldn't feel them all. I lost my Mum too by the way but I don't remember her at all (I was 3.)

thank you for your kind response

My mom was very flawed. An abusive, psychotic, and horrifying tyrant who spread so much pain and trauma that will last a life time. And then I remember the moments where she'd cry and rock herself and convince herself not to die

 

[Forever Sleep]

thank you for your kind response

My mom was very flawed. An abusive, psychotic, and horrifying tyrant who spread so much pain and trauma that will last a life time. And then I remember the moments where she'd cry and rock herself and convince herself not to die

God- that must have been so distressing for you. Still- I still wouldn't say your feelings of sadness/loss are misplaced. You're not kidding yourself you had a loving relationship with her. If anything- it sounds like you're remembering the handful of times she was kind to you and wondering what it would have been like to have a (sorry to say it) 'proper' Mum.

It's not the same but while my Grandma brought me up- and she was incredibly loving, once I stayed over at a friends house. Her Mum came in to check on us at night and I couldn't sleep. I can't quite remember what she did- maybe gave me a pen and paper to draw with till I was tired. I still remember the feeling though- it was so comforting and loving. I wondered whether that was what it would have felt like to have my Mum. I think we grieve for what we imagine we could have had- as well as what we actually miss. For you- it's even worse actually. My Mum simply didn't get the chance to form those memories with me- that I remember anyhow. I think she would have though- so my feelings towards her are less complicated. Yours sadly did have the time but was too mixed up to be that person. You must have so many different feelings towards her and death only makes it more complicated because you can't resolve things anymore. I'm so sorry.

 

[Water-Lily]

God- that must have been so distressing for you. Still- I still wouldn't say your feelings of sadness/loss are misplaced. You're not kidding yourself you had a loving relationship with her. If anything- it sounds like you're remembering the handful of times she was kind to you and wondering what it would have been like to have a (sorry to say it) 'proper' Mum.

It's not the same but while my Grandma brought me up- and she was incredibly loving, once I stayed over at a friends house. Her Mum came in to check on us at night and I couldn't sleep. I can't quite remember what she did- maybe gave me a pen and paper to draw with till I was tired. I still remember the feeling though- it was so comforting and loving. I wondered whether that was what it would have felt like to have my Mum. I think we grieve for what we imagine we could have had- as well as what we actually miss. For you- it's even worse actually. My Mum simply didn't get the chance to form those memories with me- that I remember anyhow. I think she would have though- so my feelings towards her are less complicated. Yours sadly did have the time but was too mixed up to be that person. You must have so many different feelings towards her and death only makes it more complicated because you can't resolve things anymore. I'm so sorry.

The sad reality, is that even if she survived cancer, I doubt she'd want to change her ways. She chose the path of destruction at the end of the day. Even when she was self aware, she still chose to do bad things. She chose to ruin others and by extension her own life

I just wish I got to understand her pain and what drove her to do the cruel things she did. But not even my family understands (and they also abused her)

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Of course you can. People and relationships are complicated and it makes sense to long for the more positive aspects of an abusive relationship, even if on balance it was terrible for you.