Venting I got manic now I'm back to depression

[Deleted member 14386]

I thought after I was posting here a lot it helped tremendously, maybe even enough to get me out of my spiral. But the spiral never ends, it's not anyones fault it's like I'm programmed to just go back to this bad mind-place. Family get annoyed and I still don't know what to tell them. It just never fucking ends.
My inital plan was to ctb after the summer, but I might move the date up a bit, the problem is putting on a face for my family, it sucks so much that I know I'll be leaving soon but I can't tip them off. Every time we laugh or go out to dinner I have a flash of what will inevitably happen. They're making odd comments coz I hug them all the time and am being as nice as I can for the final months. All my emotions are messed up and it's really hard to keep it all together. sorry for the rant! I just had to say something

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

I know this is happening to me too, man. It's hell. Fucking hell. There is no hell after death, because we are already in it

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Holy cow do I know what this feels like. Yesterday I was out in a good mood and I thought maybe somehow I was finally recovering but nope. I just had a serious panic attack and I want to ctb again. If you ever need someone to talk to who understands I'm here. The spiral is neverending and I'm starting to get dizzy from it. (I wish it was the spirals on the euthanasia coaster. That would be convenient)

 

[Return2Dust]

I prefer the mania. I started medicine 3 months ago that gave me hope - in the form of mania. I spent way too much money, but damn I was productive and somewhat happy. The medicine doesn't work anymore and I feel like a freaking blob with a house full of useless stuff.

 

[Deleted member 14386]

I prefer the mania. I started medicine 3 months ago that gave me hope - in the form of mania. I spent way too much money, but damn I was productive and somewhat happy. The medicine doesn't work anymore and I feel like a freaking blob with a house full of useless stuff.

Same for me, I can't get anything done during the depression parts, with mania I'm up all night and able to plan my ctb lol. It's just timing it right and not rushing I think, I'll probly have plenty of manics before my planned ctb date (and I have most of what I need). I just hate pretending, it feels wrong, I know people do it all the time but it tearaways at me nearly every time. Or I get into a state of really believing what I'm saying and being actually optimistic, only to realize it was all a lie I created