i got better, but then i got worse

[everrgreenn]

i was doing amazing, only bad part is that i'm not anymore. i was suicidal for around 8 years. i had multiple attempts but none were successful. this past year has been life changing. for the worse, then for the better. i got better. something i didn't think was a possibility for me. i didn't think about death. it was so strange to me, i couldn't even fathom the way i once felt. but recently it all came back. the sleepless nights are back. and so are the lonely days, even when i'm surrounded by people i still feel completely alone. i can't find myself to truly care for another person. if i keep someone around now it's for my own sake, hoping they'll be able to pull something out of me the i just can't. i don't care about them though, i just want them to try and make me happy but it doesn't work anymore. my days are empty endless and repeating. i've lost all hope much faster than i gained it. i wish i knew where i went wrong

 

[Sherri]

Hello hun, you took your words out of mine, I usually also say I can be among so many people and yet feel so alone and lonely. No one is truly 100% happy, everyone is facing their own troubles, the difference is we are more sensitive than them, that's why maybe we suffer a bit more. Don't be so hard on yourself, could be you just having a bad day, I do it day by day, some days are better than others, some I just wanna be alone and forget about It all. Others I'm okish, others I put my happy face mask on. I don't know if you are facing depression, but if you are, it can be temporary or it can be for a few years. Regardless, you're not totally alone, maybe not want you want to hear, but you have us here. Who understand you. If you ever need to talk to someone, my pm is always open. Hugs to you.

 

[sourpink]

I hear you, but please try to be a little kinder or gentler with yourself.
generally those of us living with chronic or long standing ideation face the reality that if it gets better, it is likely bound to worsen again. this is a common thing, both in my personal experience and as observed in others.
whatever conclusion you might come to, this is more often than not a place you'll be met with empathetic support and genuine understanding. we wouldn't all be here if we weren't feeling similarly. well, most of us -- there will always be rotten fruit.
you're not alone in 'making progress' only to see it fall to pieces once more. and you're certainly not alone in questioning your possible faults pertaining to the reality of living with ideation.