I get why I was cut off

[Mixo]

This is a dump post, I guess. I'm sorry if it isn't useful or relatable in any way.

Part of the reason I'm here is that the people I needed most when I became ill abandoned me - friends and family both. They showed in their own way that they weren't equipped or didn't want to deal with an ill adult in their circle, and I took that very hard. I felt like garbage being thrown away and it's something that's haunted me for the last several years.

I have been thinking about this a lot and trying to empathize with these people who left, for better or worse. It took me some time to finally see myself through their lens. It didn't make sense to me until I was chained to a person I didn't/don't want to deal with and for whom I am responsible for looking after. It's not a bad thing to be responsible for taking care of another person (as this world seems to be devoid of social responsibility and glorifies selfishness). But when the person you're taking care of is deeply troubled, it inevitably becomes a terrible burden. When the person you're responsible for can't cope for themselves, can't function in a "normal" capacity (whatever standard that is), and causes continuous stress, the love you feel for the person dissipates. You start wishing someone else would "deal with them" or that you weren't part of the picture. It takes a lot of love to override or supercede the feelings of burden and if the relationship isn't that good to begin with, the odds aren't good.

I see now that I am a burden on others and that they effectively cut me out because they knew it would be a continuous, unwanted burden. For better or worse, those are the facts - not feelings. It still hurts to know that... but it's also kind of freeing because I know that by killing myself I won't be "that person" anymore - the fuck up who can't just go away and who stresses people out. The problem. It might also mean I'm not someone that can be loved because I'm too much work. I guess that's fine with me too now.

 

[almost_dead]

very insightful post , I realized I am a burden too .

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I see this in myself. It's upsetting but the reality is that I am a lot of hard work to be around and I can't expect other people to be willing to tolerate me.

 

[Blueman]

This is a dump post, I guess. I'm sorry if it isn't useful or relatable in any way.

Part of the reason I'm here is that the people I needed most when I became ill abandoned me - friends and family both. They showed in their own way that they weren't equipped or didn't want to deal with an ill adult in their circle, and I took that very hard. I felt like garbage being thrown away and it's something that's haunted me for the last several years.

I have been thinking about this a lot and trying to empathize with these people who left, for better or worse. It took me some time to finally see myself through their lens. It didn't make sense to me until I was chained to a person I didn't/don't want to deal with and for whom I am responsible for looking after. It's not a bad thing to be responsible for taking care of another person (as this world seems to be devoid of social responsibility and glorifies selfishness). But when the person you're taking care of is deeply troubled, it inevitably becomes a terrible burden. When the person you're responsible for can't cope for themselves, can't function in a "normal" capacity (whatever standard that is), and causes continuous stress, the love you feel for the person dissipates. You start wishing someone else would "deal with them" or that you weren't part of the picture. It takes a lot of love to override or supercede the feelings of burden and if the relationship isn't that good to begin with, the odds aren't good.

I see now that I am a burden on others and that they effectively cut me out because they knew it would be a continuous, unwanted burden. For better or worse, those are the facts - not feelings. It still hurts to know that... but it's also kind of freeing because I know that by killing myself I won't be "that person" anymore - the fuck up who can't just go away and who stresses people out. The problem. It might also mean I'm not someone that can be loved because I'm too much work. I guess that's fine with me too now.

I sympathise. Since my depression hit in May I've become a burden and so far friends and family have been really good. However everything is so messed up because of coronavirus its difficult to know how things will go in the future.
However my unemployment which caused the depression is unlikely to go away so eventually people will surely tire of me.