I get verbally attacked everywhere I go........PART 2:Working

[IsThisTheEnd?]

So your working and you've been really nice to everyone and things seem ok, then some older dude maybe ten, twenty years older(45 - 50+), looks like an innocent old man or something like that, but he's started name calling out of the blue and a few people are joining in, your shocked, he's not a nice old man he's a very unpleasant one, what do you do ?

this is basically my life everywhere I go.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

surely you must be trolling now? I'm sorry but this is unheard of? What are they actually saying and what is the reason?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

sorry I didn't think it quite belonged in the other thread, I hope you don't think it's trolling, remember I'm desperately trying to find a solution to my problems, I'm desperate.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

sorry I didn't think it quite belonged in the other thread, I hope you don't think it's trolling, remember I'm desperately trying to find a solution to my problems, I'm desperate.

So what are they actually saying and what is the reason? People have many reasons for conflict with others but this just does not seem like typical adult behaviour at all anywhere in the world...

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

well hard to explain but it always comes as a shock, I had a job last month and this horrible looking guy and lazy said something like "come on you idiot you can do that" out of the blue I felt like grabbing him and saying you do that.

and then it will be something else and something else and ill get forced out and be totally baffled because I had good intentions and been nice to people, and it's back into the darkness.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

This is really not typical at all in Western culture at all. I don't know what to say, what part of the world are you in and why do you think this is only happening to you?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

for me it's common I get forced out not sacked, more looking for similar experiences and guides etc, not whether someone belives it or not. Thanks

 

[Commitmentphile101]

It's not that I don't believe it, it's that most Western companies such explicit bullying can be combated directly with complaints and legal sanctions. It's subtle bulling/sexism/racism where noone has directly said anything bad to you but makes you feel bad that is difficult to fight and forces people out because they can't do anything. If it is explicit bullying why not make a formal complaint like I said in the last thread. And if you want to know what the problem is exactly why not ask them why they are treating you this way?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

well my past 10 or so years I have been left wondering and wanting a explanation, there's been everything from name calling to fighting to just taking it and to take action via managers etc would be more hassle than the jobs worth.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

but have you learned from each conflict? found out what caused the issue in the previous conflict and implemented for the next workplace? If this is happening everywhere have you wondered if there may be a behaviour you are exhibiting that is being misunderstood?
The internet is good for theorising and getting general help but you need to put that into action in real life and speak to the people in real life you are not getting on with what is the problem. We can't see your behaviour when interacting with people, no clue what your tone, demeanor is.
From my experience nobody enjoys conflict and wants to get through adulthood without it, I think they would be just as willing to resolve it as you if you asked them.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

Yes I have very much wondered that so I've tried being nasty,being nice I have tried pretty much everything and no luck, often I don't know the reason for it and asking for an explanation often results in further problems, probably my last resorts would be some very horrible job and I think you would understand customers and/or public would insult me, I'm not made like this so obviously I'm on this forum trying to top myself or find some solution.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

Firstly I would like to know do you have any diagnosed condition which is known for affecting social skills? e.g Asperger's syndrome/Autism?
Secondly what have they said when you have asked for an explanation?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

only depression, asking for an explanation could result from anything, it would be some kind of confrontation and further problems. I don't know.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Well, asking for explanation can result in problems...or not. As you said, you don't know. So maybe you should try to do it and see what comes out of it?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I mean I have asked before and the fact I'm asking for an explanation is a problem or reason for further mockery, normally asking would be the start of the end etc you don't belong, goodbye back into the dark what now?
I don't know.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

I will agree with Nessie here. Asking for an explanation is the only solution as far as I can see combined with reporting as a last resort if it becomes abusive since that is not acceptable under any circumstances. You have become far too used to accepting the behaviour as normal because it always happens by saying it is me so you subconciously believe authority won't be on your side because it's given you the impression of it's everyone against you. I really don't think it is. To the rest of us it's not normal at all hence our initial reaction, we would all have gone higher up.
The way I see it your options are:
a) don't ask for an explanation ---> accept the conflict is an innate problem with you ----> have no idea what behaviour on either side caused it ---->endlessly repeat at every workplace = 100% chance of problem not being solved.

b) ask for an explanation. if you're saying that even asking leads to more conflict then force an explanation by demanding a meeting with a supervisor who can act as an intermediary between you and the other party. 50% chance of problem being solved ( or more). and if still didn't work or still awkward at least you can take the advice from the discussion on board and take to your next workplace.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I mean I have asked before and the fact I'm asking for an explanation is a problem or reason for further mockery, normally asking would be the start of the end etc you don't belong, goodbye back into the dark what now?

I'm sorry if I misunderstand something. Did you ask the same people that are upsetting you now for explanation of their behavior?
You might've had bad experiences in different situations with different people, but it doesn't mean there is some universal rule that applies to all the people you ever have a conflict or misunderstanding with. With a different person you might have a drastically different outcome. It up to you, but I believe that it is worth a try to ask for an explanation.

 

[Commitmentphile101]

normally asking would be the start of the end etc you don't belong, goodbye back into the dark what now?
I don't know.

I'm sorry to read this. I'm finally seeing how you feel. Nobody else has to go out of their way to ask their peers why they are not being accepted and the moment that you do you are acknowledging to everyone that you are not one of them. When I said this was not normal "adult" behaviour I was implicitly saying that I had experienced this but only in childhood and sometimes even university. You feel like you haven't grown up and what should have stopped in childhood is still happening only to you now while everybody in adulthood is getting along? I know it must feel really unfair I'm sorry.
Sometimes it takes being confident in the fact that you belong and taking stand while not being rude.You want to give the message that you won't be pushed around by calling the behaviour unacceptable and making the adult decision to go to a supervisor or if it is your actual supervisor then going to the person higher up.
You could even confront the particular person/group in private. You could send an email so that there will be written evidence of you trying to resolve the conflict nicely so that people won't deny the conflict even existed when it is just words. Maybe also write a log of all the incidents
Proposing to have a three way meeting with the supervisor and the conflicting party will really assert that you will not tolerate this as well- you want to make the argument that you want to perform at your best and function really well at work and problems like this have no place so it's imperative to have a meeting.
As a last resort you could go to the press and make a claim that the company is failing to care of the mental health of its employees if they refuse to help sort it. It's their obligation not them doing a favour to you to help sort this. Finally legal action.

You are too used to running away because you think it's normal to be treated like this (unlike me who reacted differently automatically). But you also must take the necessary steps on your end and ask "Is there anything in my own behaviour that I can change as well". The aim is to kill the conflict so that you can be productive and if that takes changing yourself as well as asking for a change from them. But you can't do that without feedback from the other party and definitely not by simply leaving every time.

I'm sorry if I misunderstand something. Did you ask the same people that are upsetting you now for explanation of their behavior?
You might've had bad experiences in different situations with different people, but it doesn't mean there is some universal rule that applies to all the people you ever have a conflict or misunderstanding with. With a different person you might have a drastically different outcome. It up to you, but I believe that it is worth a try to ask for an explanation.

I think OP is saying even after asking for an explanation there have been problems before like being laughed at. Also OP doesn't want to ask for explanations anymore because automatically it means they are being singled out by asking and it feels like a sign to everybody and themselves that they do not belong and that they feel that they don't belong.
At least if you say nothing and tolerate the abuse then you can pretend that you are just another member of the group.
Have I understood how you are feeling IsThisTheEnd ?

 

[Life_and_Death]

Did you say theres physical violence?

there's been everything from name calling to fighting to just taking it and to take action via managers etc would be more hassle than the jobs worth.

Call the cops. Seriously. There's this idiot at my work. First he said I must be on my period right in front of the boss. Nothing. Then he repeaditly said my husband should "control me" and the bosses still did nothing even though he was the one that was out of place and wasn't suppose to be there. He then threatened to have me "taken care of" in front of the boss and still nothing. Seriously call the cops. I had to quit working there because I was going to kill him.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

my family say things like this, that not everyone is nasty but my experience is they are, my world is a very dark place full of no hope and no pleasure, everywhere I go I'm on my own, out in the cold I don't think I can be alone the nature of this forum, but maybe different problems.

I never experienced it as child so it is totally draining now.

I think OP is saying even after asking for an explanation there have been problems before like being laughed at. Also OP doesn't want to ask for explanations anymore because automatically it means they are being singled out by asking and it feels like a sign to everybody and themselves that they do not belong and that they feel that they don't belong.
At least if you say nothing and tolerate the abuse then you can pretend that you are just another member of the group.
Have I understood how you are feeling IsThisTheEnd ?

exactly once you ask you might as-well make sure you have method ready, your on your own again.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

my family say things like this, that not everyone is nasty but my experience is they are

Well, I am very sorry you had so many negative experiences. Maybe my suggestions weren't helpful in your case, I'm sorry.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

Well, I am very sorry you had so many negative experiences. Maybe my suggestions weren't helpful in your case, I'm sorry.

you sound like my mum

 

[Commitmentphile101]

Wanna PM then IsThisTheEnd ?

 

[TheQ22]

Well you can't come across as awkward or "odd" otherwise you wouldn't be getting all of these jobs in the first place (since you say you keep getting forced out rather than sacked I take it you must have had quite a few).

So why would you be considered to be employable, only for you to then get a load of crap once you're in the job?

Could it be that you suffer from something like imposter syndrome, and you're subconsciously interpreting what people say as being digs at you, and that then sends your relationships with them into a downward spiral?

My ex I am sure suffers from NPD or maybe NPD with a spalsh of BPD. She's had more jobs than most people have had hot dinners, and her experience would always go like this:
1) She gets the job and it's great. It's a fantastic job, the people are all awesome, and the company is great.
2) 4 to 6 months later - the job is awful, the people are all gits, and the company is shit and/or unethical and unfair.
3) 9 months to 12 months - she can't stand going there any more, she feels like she's being picked on, and often would leave and then look for a new job.

What I think was happening:
1) She is the new girl in the office, so everyone goes out of their way to talk to her, show interest in her and make her feel welcome - exactly what someone with NPD needs. Also every time she does her job she gets a pat on the back - because they want to encourage her and reinforce the correct working procedures, but she interprets that as everyone thinking she's awesome.
2) She is now just Jane Doe in the office, not new, no one goes out of their way to make her feel special, and the only time anyone comments on her work is when she's made a mistake - she now interprets this as people not liking her and picking on her.
3) It becomes so unbearable and she hates them all so much for "what they're putting her through" she just leaves.

I'm not saying that is what you're doing, I'm saying that's what she did, and that's how easy it is to misinterpret things depending on how your filters tell your brain the world is working.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

there could be some of that but again I take any comments from managers and that's like water of a ducks back.

 

[TheQ22]

there could be some of that but again I take any comments from managers and that's like water of a ducks back.

So comments off managers you're okay with, but comments of fellow workers you don't like?

So maybe you feel you should be on the same level as the managers and are above the others?

Sorry, just trying to understand.

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I don't know I mean I've been trying so hard I've gone above and beyond, I've not wanted to be a manager but just tried to get the job and be helpful but it never works out.

I don't know ill probably will just forget working after the next few years and try and get some benefits then ctb, I've not really earnt any money in the last 10 years from these jobs, some have cost me money, I would of needed to have kept them for over several months to brake even.

 

[TheQ22]

I don't know I mean I've been trying so hard I've gone above and beyond, I've not wanted to be a manager but just tried to get the job and be helpful but it never works out.

I don't know ill probably will just forget working after the next few years and try and get some benefits then ctb, I've not really earnt any money in the last 10 years from these jobs, some have cost me money, I would of needed to have kept them for over several months to brake even.

What I mean is do you see youself as being on a par with - the same level as the managers - and above the workers.

But you are one of the workers.

So you feel humiliated if a worker says something to you, but at the same time neglected by the managers, who you see as your peers?

Or something. Or nothing?

 

[IsThisTheEnd?]

I don't know I thought you do what the managers ask and try and help your colleagues.

I guess some people life never works out, some people complain they can't get any type of job and ctb.

 

[TheQ22]

I don't know I thought you do what the managers ask and try and help your colleagues.

I guess some people life never works out, some people complain they can't get any type of job and ctb.

You're being very vague.

Reading between your lines - and I apologise if I'm getting this wrong, because I'm not trying to attack you or make you feel bad, but what i sense is this:

You "do what the managers ask" i.e. you confer with them about what's "best" for the employees to do. You then tell your colleagues what they need to do, from a position of "me and the managers think you need to do..." - and you take a supercilious attitude to do that - that is to say - you are one of the employees, but you're trying to ingratiate yourself into the good graces of the managers, so that you can bask in their reflected authority.

And dictate to the collegaues of yours, who are on the same level as you, from an elevated position of "me and the managers think" - so you're trying to artificially elevate yourself above the people you work with.

They get pissed off - who does she think she is - and they then take every opportunity to point out you're not better than them, or more senior to them, and they make you feel undermined because you're overstepping your place.

And to make that point stick, they tell you every little thing you get wrong, don't do right, and call you names for it - you can imagine them - who the hell does she think she is, we'll show her, well tell her she did this wrong, got that wrong - don't criticise me you're the same job as me, take the log out of your own eye before you try take the splinter from mine. Try hard, ass kisser. All the things people don't like.

Sound familiar?