I get so happy I want to die

[Antibiotic]

I don't understand this feeling of mine but my life is like a constant downward spiral so when I get happy moments I'm genuinely happy to have those moments but then I can't stop myself from thinking "when will the spiral start again? this happiness can't possibly last forever" and I just have this feeling that I want to die there on the spot in the happy moment dying with the happiness but despite all this worry and sadness I'm still really happy in that moment it's like feeling two feelings at once for different reasons but all the same reasons, so every time I get really happy I want to die at the same time
I'm so confused and I don't understand any of this or why I'm like this, why can't I just be happy with the moment?

 

[Octavia]

I feel like dying on a high note is much more appealing than dying on a bad day, since said day is going to be the last thing you would ever experience. I'd like to die surrounded by plushies and listening to my favourite lullaby instead of dying from a bridge jump caused by a particularly unpleasant day.

 

[Antibiotic]

I feel like dying on a high note is much more appealing than dying on a bad day, since said day is going to be the last thing you would ever experience. I'd like to die surrounded by plushies and listening to my favourite lullaby instead of dying from a bridge jump caused by a particularly unpleasant day.

Yeah I feel like wanting to die happy is a no brainer and honestly your death sounds really peaceful, my main problem is though some days I just want to have a good day and not think about stuff like that but as soon as I get happy the thought just there and I wish it wasn't