nopointofliving
Warrior
- Apr 19, 2021
- 513
Years ago, I was so passionate about life. I wanted to do great things. I had hope that things will be better, and I will get whatever I want because I'm smart and hardworking *I thought so*. I worked hard to create new things, to teach others, to help others, to stand for others......etc. Funny enough, I forgot to stand for myself. Suddenly, everything collapsed, and everyone ran away even those I thought they would stay for me no matter what. It appears that I was the stupid one, I was the lazy one... :D I started regretting my life choices, my decisions, and all my past insecurities and bad memories came to the show.
At first, I saw some light, I thought God is there for me to help me. Soon enough, I realized that there was NOONE to help me. God is busy doing something else, he doesn't care how we suffer down here on earth. Things got darker then, I had no hope to go on, no desire to have anything. I stopped doing my small freelancing work. I have no motivation to search for a job, no desire to do what I used to enjoy before. The worst of all is hating myself every time I open my eyes. I get annoyed by everything, any sound can irritate me, seeing the morning light makes me more depressed than ever. You can't imagine how annoying and harmful every thing in life to me?!! I can't tolerate this anymore.
Days ago, I went to toilet with a tape thinking to close my nose and mouth with it. I thought I might lose consciousness in one minute, and my death may take up to 15 minutes. To be honest, I was numb and not scared of death, but I was thinking what if this causes me some brain damage, I was scared of failed attempt not death itself. I read about the methods in this forum, however, they aren't easily attainable for me. My choice would be either hanging, and my silly tape method(don't know if it really works). My survival instinct seems to wake up these days, but my pain doesn't seem to go away. I swing between life and death.
*English isn't my native language, forgive any errors in there*
At first, I saw some light, I thought God is there for me to help me. Soon enough, I realized that there was NOONE to help me. God is busy doing something else, he doesn't care how we suffer down here on earth. Things got darker then, I had no hope to go on, no desire to have anything. I stopped doing my small freelancing work. I have no motivation to search for a job, no desire to do what I used to enjoy before. The worst of all is hating myself every time I open my eyes. I get annoyed by everything, any sound can irritate me, seeing the morning light makes me more depressed than ever. You can't imagine how annoying and harmful every thing in life to me?!! I can't tolerate this anymore.
Days ago, I went to toilet with a tape thinking to close my nose and mouth with it. I thought I might lose consciousness in one minute, and my death may take up to 15 minutes. To be honest, I was numb and not scared of death, but I was thinking what if this causes me some brain damage, I was scared of failed attempt not death itself. I read about the methods in this forum, however, they aren't easily attainable for me. My choice would be either hanging, and my silly tape method(don't know if it really works). My survival instinct seems to wake up these days, but my pain doesn't seem to go away. I swing between life and death.
*English isn't my native language, forgive any errors in there*
