Venting I fucking hate this sleep schedule but atleast im not having daily breakdowns anymore i guess?

[coolgal82]

Ok so like i've been structuring my sleep so that i wake up shortly before my besties usually get online to vc so i can basically almost immediately vc with them or atleast with minimal delay, as most breakdowns i have occur between waking up and vcing with them. However. this means i have to wake up at like 8pm or so every day. then i vc with them until about 4am, and to prevent any breakdowns after that point i usually get drunk or high.

This all fucking sucks, i hate it, i wish i could just be normal but i cant. every time theyre not there its just torture and i can kinda logic the worst of it away if theyre asleep but i do still have some bad thoughts, but if theyre awake an not talking to me at that second thats when it gets worst. i fucking hate that my life has devolved into this. i cannot physically be a functioning member of society with this schedule and i hate it it sucks but its still better than the alternative.

i just wanna kms but im stuck in a limbo where like idk when i talk to my friends i think life isnt so bad and i love them sm and then they go and the like despair and boredom and lack of desire to really do much at all hits. its just an endless cycle. the days dont even feel real anymore the only reason i wake up or exist at all is just to talk to them. they make me feel better i wish i could talk to them 24/7/365 then i could truly be happy. i wish my bestie cared about me like i care about her. i feel like i dont really like exist outside of that idk. idk how to describe it or if any of this is even real. im just fucking tired of all this. im so tired.

 

[donttalktome]

its bad but u found some sort of coping mechanism to deal with life. and objectively speaking your life isn't broken just your mind is and it's tormenting you. You are far off from actually wanting/having to kill yourself so i'd try anything to fix it first if u wanna live, while u still have a chance. I wasted the first and second chance live gave me and there aren't any more left.

 

[coolgal82]

its bad but u found some sort of coping mechanism to deal with life. and objectively speaking your life isn't broken just your mind is and it's tormenting you. You are far off from actually wanting/having to kill yourself so i'd try anything to fix it first if u wanna live, while u still have a chance. I wasted the first and second chance live gave me and there aren't any more left.

i mean its hardly coping when it means i cant actually experience life really yknow idk

 

[donttalktome]

Yes I know it consumes your life, but it also allows you to live paradoxically. It's still better than drugs(im a hardcore addict that will die physically if i stop). You should actually keep doing what you are doing while planning and making ideally small changes to your routine(the harder you push and the more you try to do at the same time, the more resistance and difficult it is). I don't know your exact circumstances but it all depends on how much time you have left on your clock until theoretical doomsday. Its hard for me to try to help you with the mental stuff because it is always extremely complicated and you probably would benefit more from a good therapist unless you already tried that. Apart from that, hard to give advice.

 

[G000pie]

I'm disabled so I don't have a school/work schedule and that means days, weeks and seasons kind of bleed together now. I've given up on having any sort of sleep schedule. Yesterday I went to sleep at 5am and woke up at 3pm, then slept another 3 hours. Today it's 7:30am and I can't sleep at all, don't know if I will today. I'm something akin to nocturnal. But the more I try to reign in my sleep schedule and make myself sleep the more the intrusive thoughts slip in till they're all clawing at the back of my mind and making everything loud... no thank you. I'd rather just stay awake till my stupid body decides its tired enough to let me fall asleep quickly.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I used to sleep at 9am and wake up at 5 or 6pm so I could talk to someone who lived on the other side of the world. So I understand that bad feeling about not being able to live normally because you need to change your schedule to talk to someone. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[coolgal82]

Yes I know it consumes your life, but it also allows you to live paradoxically. It's still better than drugs(im a hardcore addict that will die physically if i stop). You should actually keep doing what you are doing while planning and making ideally small changes to your routine(the harder you push and the more you try to do at the same time, the more resistance and difficult it is). I don't know your exact circumstances but it all depends on how much time you have left on your clock until theoretical doomsday. Its hard for me to try to help you with the mental stuff because it is always extremely complicated and you probably would benefit more from a good therapist unless you already tried that. Apart from that, hard to give advice.

i mean it allows me to live but its also not a good life so like. also i am doing drugs as well as this lmfao. and im getting into them more and more. also i cant really plan or anything cus its either this or death basically lmao