Life_and_Death
Do what's best for you 🕯️ I'm............
- Jul 1, 2020
- 7,009
i didnt want it to be this long, but i thought that i should remind myself of the good to balance out the bad im complaining about. idk.........
ive been dealing with an issue for about THREE MONTHS now. that i was already in the fucking office for.
i knew my fear walking in. i was 100% READY to deal with that and have it taken care of THAT DAY. this was BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
idk what the fuck his issue was. yes i was reacting, but i was dealing with myself. i was ready. and he just "you should go see the other doctor" like a quarter of the way through it. he already started. AND I DIDNT EVEN AGREE TO IT! i just sat there stuttering because i was ready for this and now youre kicking me out!?? what!?
so theyre SUPPOSE to send this referral over to the other doctor. January comes around "hey did they send in that referral yet?" "nope"
so, you kick me out of your office and then cant even send the referral over!!!
now after all that fucking around i STILL have to wait TWO WEEKS because its not until mid feburary.
i cant deal with this. its driving me insane. i have enough mental issues, i dont need to be fucking stressing out about physical shit THAT I SHOULDNT EVEN BE FUCKING DEALING WITH
i didnt ask for this......
and circling back around to "his issue", i question if he kicked me out because i was reacting in general. because a quarter ass (halfass but less) psychiatrist put probably the worst disorder to give someone (worse than BPD, i dont even want to say what it is), and now the doctor knows i "have issues" and probably instead of trusting that i have myself, just straight up kicked me out.
i wasnt reacting outside of general fear that people would have reacted to anything. tightly closing eyes, tensing my body. and i wanted to touch the tools because they looked like needles and i have a needle phobia. thats it. thats all i did (and my body tensing shouldnt have effected what he was doing even if it was he could have asked me to try and relax a little bit) i didnt do anything.
ive been in there BEING HELD DOWN (by my step parent (and 4 people +1 this one time in gr5, but that didnt involve him) to get a flu shot. AS A CHILD!!!!!! granted it was the needle nurse and not him, but its still his practice. if he couldnt work on me now WHEN IM READY TO DEAL WITH THIS. how the fuck could he allow that to go on in his doctor rooms. oh, suddenly i have a bad name attached to it probably
no yeah, theres no reason im suicidal and hate people or anything. cant figure it out. its so confusing.
doesnt all of this count as "medical trauma" or something? i know i dont feel to good. and i spent an hour this morning crying and im still.......its just inside now....
(im also suicidal because i just cant deal with anything in that field in general. if i kms before something really bad happens, i dont have to do, whatever weird, scary, painful, horrific thing ill need to "live longer")
i did (will) have 2 good doctors.... so i know its not me......
this one time i stepped on a tooth pick and it was a 6mnth ordeal (starting the weekend before xmas too and 6mnths is my bday. so just wonderful lol. anyway,) at the end of it im crying up at the hospital and 1 doc tells me "youre gonna die if we dont get that out" (well no shit. thats how infections work) so i ask him for, i cant remember what its called rn,, laughing gas i think. and he says no. absolutely refuses to work on me, help me. just says im gonna die but we can try the other hospital. but his tone and everything was doubtful.
so we get up to the second hospital, the doctor comes in and i tell him everything. and again i ask for something to help because im really scared. i need this. (it had traveled through my foot throughout these 6mths and poking through the top. i still have 3 scars (and the toothpick) and am kinda proud of them lol. so its bad and understandably not feeling great). so this doctor with zero question, yeah we can help you. and he was so nice. and i warned him i might kick him so they brought in some more nurses to hold me down. (not on purpose but trigger reaction). "this isnt going to make you unconscious" about the laughing gas i asked for. i dont think they planned on me hyperventilating it, because i did. but it all worked out perfect, and i didnt kick him or anything. (oh and during this, the same doc im talking about at the very top. probably sent me to the er. im not sure how much i can blame him. wood doesnt show up on xray. but shouldnt you be questioning things by the second infection and second prescription. i prefer it went the way it did anyway. "Well have to cut your foot open" nope it worked out. im ok)
and the doctor im going to see, ive already been working with but as support for someone else for awhile. longer than this issue of mine has been going on). so we already know each other. and he knows my "good side" and i already know hes like the other doctor i described above. so i really believe ill be ok. im just really pissed off about what even brought me here. im just venting. im emotionally exhausted......
ive been dealing with an issue for about THREE MONTHS now. that i was already in the fucking office for.
i knew my fear walking in. i was 100% READY to deal with that and have it taken care of THAT DAY. this was BEFORE CHRISTMAS.
idk what the fuck his issue was. yes i was reacting, but i was dealing with myself. i was ready. and he just "you should go see the other doctor" like a quarter of the way through it. he already started. AND I DIDNT EVEN AGREE TO IT! i just sat there stuttering because i was ready for this and now youre kicking me out!?? what!?
so theyre SUPPOSE to send this referral over to the other doctor. January comes around "hey did they send in that referral yet?" "nope"
so, you kick me out of your office and then cant even send the referral over!!!
now after all that fucking around i STILL have to wait TWO WEEKS because its not until mid feburary.
i cant deal with this. its driving me insane. i have enough mental issues, i dont need to be fucking stressing out about physical shit THAT I SHOULDNT EVEN BE FUCKING DEALING WITH
i didnt ask for this......
and circling back around to "his issue", i question if he kicked me out because i was reacting in general. because a quarter ass (halfass but less) psychiatrist put probably the worst disorder to give someone (worse than BPD, i dont even want to say what it is), and now the doctor knows i "have issues" and probably instead of trusting that i have myself, just straight up kicked me out.
i wasnt reacting outside of general fear that people would have reacted to anything. tightly closing eyes, tensing my body. and i wanted to touch the tools because they looked like needles and i have a needle phobia. thats it. thats all i did (and my body tensing shouldnt have effected what he was doing even if it was he could have asked me to try and relax a little bit) i didnt do anything.
ive been in there BEING HELD DOWN (by my step parent (and 4 people +1 this one time in gr5, but that didnt involve him) to get a flu shot. AS A CHILD!!!!!! granted it was the needle nurse and not him, but its still his practice. if he couldnt work on me now WHEN IM READY TO DEAL WITH THIS. how the fuck could he allow that to go on in his doctor rooms. oh, suddenly i have a bad name attached to it probably
no yeah, theres no reason im suicidal and hate people or anything. cant figure it out. its so confusing.
doesnt all of this count as "medical trauma" or something? i know i dont feel to good. and i spent an hour this morning crying and im still.......its just inside now....
(im also suicidal because i just cant deal with anything in that field in general. if i kms before something really bad happens, i dont have to do, whatever weird, scary, painful, horrific thing ill need to "live longer")
i did (will) have 2 good doctors.... so i know its not me......
this one time i stepped on a tooth pick and it was a 6mnth ordeal (starting the weekend before xmas too and 6mnths is my bday. so just wonderful lol. anyway,) at the end of it im crying up at the hospital and 1 doc tells me "youre gonna die if we dont get that out" (well no shit. thats how infections work) so i ask him for, i cant remember what its called rn,, laughing gas i think. and he says no. absolutely refuses to work on me, help me. just says im gonna die but we can try the other hospital. but his tone and everything was doubtful.
so we get up to the second hospital, the doctor comes in and i tell him everything. and again i ask for something to help because im really scared. i need this. (it had traveled through my foot throughout these 6mths and poking through the top. i still have 3 scars (and the toothpick) and am kinda proud of them lol. so its bad and understandably not feeling great). so this doctor with zero question, yeah we can help you. and he was so nice. and i warned him i might kick him so they brought in some more nurses to hold me down. (not on purpose but trigger reaction). "this isnt going to make you unconscious" about the laughing gas i asked for. i dont think they planned on me hyperventilating it, because i did. but it all worked out perfect, and i didnt kick him or anything. (oh and during this, the same doc im talking about at the very top. probably sent me to the er. im not sure how much i can blame him. wood doesnt show up on xray. but shouldnt you be questioning things by the second infection and second prescription. i prefer it went the way it did anyway. "Well have to cut your foot open" nope it worked out. im ok)
and the doctor im going to see, ive already been working with but as support for someone else for awhile. longer than this issue of mine has been going on). so we already know each other. and he knows my "good side" and i already know hes like the other doctor i described above. so i really believe ill be ok. im just really pissed off about what even brought me here. im just venting. im emotionally exhausted......
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