Discussion I find that The more time passes,the more I feel ugly

[fkyou]

I find that The more time passes,the more I feel ugly,it started as "oh this is all the cause of this server mental illness I have i can't function because of it it's wasting my time" to " did I not try enough' was i lazy' what did I do wrong 'did I just waste my life willingly?'was i stupid ". It went from " I don't deserve this I have a life to live and this mental illness is stoping me if it was not for this mental illness I would be now as good as everyone else, so feelings of guilt and shame never hit my core system because I acknowledged that I was suffering from something Sever,but now ,I hate myself,and it's the worse part of it all.the only thing that kept me keeping my head up all the years was because of hope and because I believed i shouldn't be ashamed of being mentally ill it's out of my control.thats the only thing that kept me from seeing myself as ugly,"failure" worthless human.and I think this is the only thing I can't live with,i can't stand.that's why I always try to comfort myself even with lies. delusional thoughts,i cannot let anything let me feel think like that about myself.thats my limit.after 2 years I went from "I love myself and I don't deserve this" to "I hate myself". This feelings of worthlessness and "feeling like this is all my own doing" are creeping into me and I have nothing to do but block them and delude myself because I can't accept them.