Venting I find comfort in my loneliness

[neverwashere]

Everyone is drifting away. Or maybe I'm drifting away from them? I don't know. I don't have the energy to hang out with anyone and even if I do, I end up feeling left out and as a result even more miserable than before. At this point, I think that I honestly prefer to be rotting in bed all day and not talking to anyone than going out and actually doing something with my life. The thought of having to go out and talk to someone, and pretend that I'm fine and that if I make a joke about suicide with a friend then it's just that-- a joke-- is exhausting in and of itself.
I have a stellar education, I go to the college of my dreams, and I have people who call me a friend (even though I'd call the vast majority of them "acquaintances"); I have everything set up to be going the right way but it isnt. I feel like I'm wasting my life and I hate myself for it, but I don't know what else there is to do for me.

God, I'm so tired and so bored all the time.

Having said that, being lonely all of the time, even when I'm surrounded by people is almost like a coping mechanism at this point. I can't be abandoned and rejected if I don't have anyone, right? On one hand, I do wish that I wouldn't have to worry so much about other people disliking me, or my body not being found for weeks on end if I kill myself so it smells bad and is a headache and a half to clean up, but on the other hand it's almost liberating, if that makes sense. Like I can be miserable and an awful irredeemable person, and no one will find out. No one will get hurt except me, but I deserve it so its okay.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Same here.
I rarely leave my room and avoid social interactions all costs.
I think people cause too many unnecessary problems for others.
Also, I hate having to put on a " happy face " when all I want to do is die.
I get it about the boredom - for me I just see human existence as pointless, meaningless repetition.
I've always felt lonely too when surrounded by others.

 

[Cress]

I'm not saying that this has anything directly to do with what you have going on but let me give you my perspective on loneliness and being alone.

I grew up nearly completely alone due to a parent having major issues that I won't get into. I was put into an environment that forced me to be Extremely isolated.

Now after I've grown up I prefer to be alone As I think that's just what I remember from my childhood. At this point I probably have more friends than at any other point in my life but I'll still go days or weeks without talking to anyone. If I go upwards of five days without speaking to anyone signs of light psychosis start to appear and I get paranoid and Reality starts to not feel quite right it's difficult to explain. However it only gets worse and worse the longer I isolate.

The conclusion that I came to is that fundamentally your brain needs human interaction to process its chemical interactions appropriately otherwise it starts glitching out. It's one of the main reasons why solitary confinement is banned in some countries and is considered torture.

Even though it's fundamentally necessary For a normal healthy brain I still generally just prefer to be alone.

I should say that even though you're alone that doesn't mean that your time needs to be wasted with you suffering alone in your bed staring at a wall. You can still find tasks that you enjoy that don't involve being around people that you find meaningful.

 

[neverwashere]

I should say that even though you're alone that doesn't mean that your time needs to be wasted with you suffering alone in your bed staring at a wall. You can still find tasks that you enjoy that don't involve being around people that you find meaningful.

I see where you're coming form with this, but the thing is that I don't really find anything enjoyable. All of my hobbies feel like chores and actual chores around the house feel like torture. The most I can do is lie to myself and tell myself that I'm enjoying playing video games and writing or whatever, but I still know deep down that it isn't going to fill the void I've grown kind of attatched to. Atp I'm not sure if I even want to.
And I'm kind of aware of the effects of isolation? Sort of? But I feel like it doesn't really matter what I do if talking to people makes me depressed and not talking to people makes me depressed.