Venting I feel unlovable

[3ndl3ss-v0id]

I am too afraid to tell my boyfriend why it is so hard for me to be myself around him because I don´t want him to make fun of me for that. When I came out of the closet as Marcos my mother didn´t like it. I mean, she still doesn´t but the situation has gotten better now. Once she came into my room and asked me to talk about something and it ended up like it always ends up: arguing. She told me she didn´t understand why did I have to choose to do that (come out of the closet) when she´s going through a rough time. I told her I didn´t choose to be like that and that she can´t choose for me when to tell her how I feel. She told me that if I kept doing that no one would ever love me. That no one would love me anyway for being trans. And it might be stupid because it was just an argument like many but I´ve been carrying those words with me for years and now I can´t conceive someone could ever choose to love me for who I am. And I don´t know how to get over that. That stupid comment made myself hate and hide myself for so long and now I don´t even know who I am anymore. I just can´t loosen up when I´m with him because I´m so afraid he will leave after he gets to know me. And I want to work on it but I´m so hesitant about it. Y´know? It´s these little things I like about myself that when I tell him he finds weird or doesn´t like? For example: I love when I do spikes with my hair but he tells me not to do that like if I told him I like to go out dressed up as a clown. I also like the way I dress but there´s this face of disapproval every time I dress up. I just wish he was more understanding in some ways sometimes but I bet if I tried to talk this with him he just won´t listen. I know he´s used to "thug it out" but unfortunately I´m not remotely any close to be as strong as him and ignoring the bad feelings until they go away just doesn´t work for me. And I wouldn´t want it any other way. But he just can´t help it and neither I can. So now I´m afraid to tell him about this given that he might tell me to just stop being so weak or something like that. I just want to be understood sometimes and I even though he told me he understands I feel he doesn´t. I don´t know about his life. He might have had a bad life but I don´t think he knows how it feels like to be loathed for simply existing. And hiding wasn´t an option for me because, although I might look like it, I´m not a coward.

I just wish I was as brave to be myself now as I was 6 years ago.