Venting i feel ungrateful

[toro]

im so eughh stressed about this, i feel so ungrateful and awful for wanting to CTB considering the fact that i really do have a good life all things considered, my mother loves me, my father loves me, my whole family loves me and im in a safe and stable home environment but im still suicidal and wrong. i dont understand how i can have all these objectively good things and still feel this way and have to rely on medication to keep me from having a breakdown. i should be happy but every reminder that im loved makes me more upset because i just dont understand why i am like this in the first place !!!! it makes no sense its all wrong and it makes me feel like im just faking everything for attention but attemtion from WHO ??? nothing makes sense i just dont understand how i can live the life i live and still feel this insane drive to kill myself

sorry for the venting post, i hate this so much, not being able to even understand myself makes me feel so stupid, i dont see why i havent just been fixed already when theres nothing objectively awful about my life

 

[flesh object]

I understand, sometimes we don't know what's truly bothering us until its too late, your issues and what is bothering you is very real, because it does affect your life and your emotions.

I used to be like that for a while, I believed that I was truly okay, I believed in a delusion I made myself, that my life wasn't that bad. I never really understood why I wanted to CTB until the past few years. I realized that my life was filled with trauma that has come back to haunt me because I pushed it away.

I don't know much about you, but you are not faking faking attention, because if you feel that way then you do, don't undermine and downplay your emotions.

I believe you

You have a lot of resources that you have, people that love you, and you should try to understand what you want, if that's support, recovery, or just a break.

i dont see why i havent just been fixed already when theres nothing objectively awful about my life

Change always starts with you, and I strongly believe you can do it.

Talking and understanding your emotions is a step towards recovery

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and hard to deal with being in that situation, I'm sorry that you suffer. But anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[toro]

I understand, sometimes we don't know what's truly bothering us until its too late, your issues and what is bothering you is very real, because it does affect your life and your emotions.

I used to be like that for a while, I believed that I was truly okay, I believed in a delusion I made myself, that my life wasn't that bad. I never really understood why I wanted to CTB until the past few years. I realized that my life was filled with trauma that has come back to haunt me because I pushed it away.

I don't know much about you, but you are not faking faking attention, because if you feel that way then you do, don't undermine and downplay your emotions.

I believe you

You have a lot of resources that you have, people that love you, and you should try to understand what you want, if that's support, recovery, or just a break.

Change always starts with you, and I strongly believe you can do it.

Talking and understanding your emotions is a step towards recovery

thank you for this reply, ive calmed down a lot since writing my initial post but i still dk if im eloquent enough right now to properly express how this message has done me complete wonders, i dont know what i want right now but i dont think i should force myself to rush into something, so maybe a break would be best and maybe a chat with my mum if i decide i want to retry recovery. thank you again for this, its helped me more than you can know ♡

 

[flesh object]

Of course, never rush into something, and i'm glad I could have helped you. Change starts with you, and most importantly, when you're ready.

 

[stermc]

It's sad to feel like this. I have a lovely family and nice circumstances in my life, still suicidal since I was a kid. But it's not our fault. We are sick, we are not choosing this. Don't blame yourself for something that you cannot control. A lot of the times the problem is within and not on the outside.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Love doesn't cure cancer; why should it be expected to cure depression or suicidal ideation? Being accused of ungratitude, either by yourself or others, is pure invalidation. It's okay to want more. Not feeling suicidal is certainly a reasonable thing to want.

 

[randy]

It's not your fault you feel this way. Be nice to yourself

 

[alice_0927]

Probably we are just stuck in the society ideas about being grateful. Why committing suicide is ungrateful?

 

[CTB Fella]

I have mental health issues/diagnoses, my nan who loves me, and that's about it.

I have money, not bad looking, and have many materialistic things.

However, depression and mental health disorders seriously fuck with your mind.

Thus, don't feel bad about how you feel, given your "situation."

Your feelings are valid, thus don't worry about how you "should" feel.

 

[unluckiestclover]

im so eughh stressed about this, i feel so ungrateful and awful for wanting to CTB considering the fact that i really do have a good life all things considered, my mother loves me, my father loves me, my whole family loves me and im in a safe and stable home environment but im still suicidal and wrong. i dont understand how i can have all these objectively good things and still feel this way and have to rely on medication to keep me from having a breakdown. i should be happy but every reminder that im loved makes me more upset because i just dont understand why i am like this in the first place !!!! it makes no sense its all wrong and it makes me feel like im just faking everything for attention but attemtion from WHO ??? nothing makes sense i just dont understand how i can live the life i live and still feel this insane drive to kill myself

sorry for the venting post, i hate this so much, not being able to even understand myself makes me feel so stupid, i dont see why i havent just been fixed already when theres nothing objectively awful about my life

it's not wrong to feel this way. sometimes, despite the best of circumstances, everything just feels wrong-- and that's alright. there are many reasons why you may be feeling this way (from a physical neurological issue to just repressed trauma), but whatever the case, nothing invalidates the experience you are having now. it's not 'wrong' and you are not 'faking it', your struggles are very real and that is okay. different people have different struggles, and deal with them differently. you are not in the wrong for feeling a certain way.

but regardless, the truth is-- change begins with you. i promise you that even though things are bleak right now, if you examine yourself and your thoughts, you can figure this out. you have some resources (like your family) at your hands already, and i genuinely believe you can get better. take care.