Venting I feel trapped inside my body

[ashfall]

Warning: A whole lot of self-pity. I'm self-aware just in the mood to vent right now. Read at your own peril.

I really hate my body. I hate how it looks. I hate how it functions. I hate how terrible it is at everything. At this point, it doesn't even feel like mine anymore. Instead, it's just this shitty bag of flesh I have to puppet around to interact with the world. It's more like a prison and I'm trapped inside of it.

I have poland syndrome - it's a birth defect that ensures no one is ever going to find me attractive. When puberty hit I only grew one boob. I spent five years stuffing one side of my bra every day because they don't make bras for people with an A cup on one side and a D on the other. I pinned all my hopes on plastic surgery fixing it and spent ages saving up. Post-surgery and it still looks terrible. I avoid mirrors when I'm naked it's so bad. You can't see it until I take off my bra but one side is obviously fake and I now have a massive scar. Whenever anyone calls me pretty I feel like a complete fraud but I'm too embarrassed to ever tell anyone. I know if I ever actually get into a relationship I'll be rejected as soon as the guy sees me without a top on. I just know I'm going to be alone forever.

I have dyspraxia so I'm terrible at everything up to and including walking in a straight line without falling over. I'm so bad at sports and any kind of physical movement that I was literally picked after a kid with a broken arm in PE when I was in school. It takes me so long to pick up any kind of physical skill. I worked in a restaurant last year and likely would have been fired if they weren't so short-staffed because I kept dropping everything despite my best efforts. I made that Fawlty towers waitress look like a pro.

I'm always sick and I'm seriously underweight because of it. I get chronic headaches and migraines. I'm constantly in pain and I feel so trapped. God I hate my body so much. I don't have dysphoria or anything but when my anxiety gets really bad I feel almost itchy everywhere - like my skin doesn't fit right over my bones. I don't self-harm but in those moments all I want to do is kill myself as quick as I can with whatever's on hand. Like if I'm cooking I'll imagine cutting myself with the kitchen knives. Or if I'm in the shower I'll imagine smashing the glass and slitting my throat. Or if I'm on my way to work I'll think about jumping in front of the bus.

I do feel guilty because I know that my issues are nothing compared to other peoples'. I don't really have any right to complain when there are people with stuff like cancer and genuine disabilities out there. I can't help hating my body anyway though. I've tried surgery but it's never going to look good. I've tried physical therapy but I'm still bad at everything. And my immune system remains absolute shit so I keep looking like a walking skeleton. I feel so trapped and ctb is the only escape I can see.

Anyway, sorry about that. Rant over. If you made it all the way through that take an imaginary gold star.

 

[Starryeyes]

I do feel guilty because I know that my issues are nothing compared to other peoples'.

You are abusing yourself right there.
You have every right to complain about things that make your life feel unbearable. You said you have a birth defect. That's a lot to deal with. We are here for you to vent too. Please don't be sorry. We support your choices, no matter what they might be

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Personally I think the term "self-pity" exists to gaslight people into thinking they're bad for feeling bad about feeling bad. It's bullshit. You have every right to feel shitty about what you've had to go through, and every right to vent about it. Life is a game of dumb luck and I don't fault anyone for despairing over being dealt a less than ideal hand. Your struggles with your body sound extremely difficult, nobody should have to go through that. Just having a body alone is bad enough, but having one that doesn't work properly sounds like it would be a nightmare. Try to have some compassion on yourself, it won't make all your problems go away but acknowledging that your pain is REAL and that you're not weak for feeling bad sure makes life a whole lot more bearable.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Your complaints are completely valid. You found the right safe space to vent your grievances with life and we are glad to hear from you. Everyone has their issues be it mental, physical or environmental and comparing them to others' serves no purpose but to invalidate the extent of how they affect us and make us feel unnecessarily guilty for speaking up. I hope that you are able to feel at home herE. Wish you the best

 

[whywhywhy]

Hey ashfall, you are not alone I also lurk this forum sometimes feeling like an impostor since a lot of people who post here have terrible stories like abuse, being poor, being stuck paralysed in bed and other terrible medical issues. Hell I would say that syndrome is reason alone for you to be pissed at the world. In my case its pretty much my fault just having to deal with life without making any real friends and pretty much started losing interest in everything

I also think that people are more honest than you would think. If they are calling you pretty its probably for a reason. I believe there is a lot of good guys out there who wouldnt really care if your body isnt perfect, specially the older you get the less appearance matters imo. The only advice I can give is try not to reject people for fear of getting rejected or youll end up like me lol.

 

[FuneralCry]

Just because other people have it worse, doesn't mean we are not suffering. Somebody else will always have it worse, as in this life there is no limit as to how bad things can get. You should not feel guilty for being upset about your problems. This life is very unfair. It can be horrible being trapped in this human body as it can torture us. All humans are brought into this world just to suffer. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Noctis]

Nobody has it "worse". Perception is reality. Your reasons for being unhappy are just as valid as everyone else's.

You have nothing to apologize for in this space. You are unhappy and you need to vent without judgement and would like some support. That's what pretty much every single thread is.

By the way, I once dated a girl with one boob. She didn't have Poland Syndrome, but she did have a mastectomy years before I met her. I thought she was absolutely gorgeous, and I'm sure you are too.

 

[Somber]

You are absolutely in your right to vent your frustrations.

If you are just post surgery it'll need some time to normalize. That scar will dissipate over time and your body will adjust to the implant, making it look more natural. Nobody's breasts are perfectly symmetrical either, but If it turns out to remain unsatisfactory, talk to the surgeon (or another one) about corrections. Implants need to be replaced every so often anyway.

 

[little helpers]

just want you to know this:

anyone *pathologized* by our system and the society that runs under it, is a victim of ableism.

it doesn't matter if it's an actual pathology or not. in terms of social, medical, interpersonal trauma, your pain isn't *any less* real than people with cancer. it's all about *being pathologized*, and subsequently being subjected to ableist abuse.

and the feeling of shame, of self-blame takes over. oftentimes it can be an urge. our default pattern of thought. it's an internalization of how things have been, of what we've been told by others, in every chance possible with their words and actions, of who we supposedly are. "undeserving", "taking up space", "seeking attention". when you, we, us, are *none* of that.

this space here is open for you. as it has been for me, and many others. you deserve better.

 

[nautilus]

Sending you hugs. I absolutely understand what it is like to suffer from feeling so uncomfortable in your body. I really do, although perception can be a funny thing. However , in my case, I'm covered in scars and my body is ageing really badly. To say I feel trapped in it would be an understatement. So, I know its absolutely valid to feel this way. That said, I still wish you find a way to find peace with yourself - if possible.